In awe

Tag: goals

  • Day662 Midlife crisis

    [updating a post written in 2023, might not have published back]

    oh no…January 2, I don’t have a new year resolution this year. I will resolve to be purposeful!

    This probably will be a weird post. I haven’t figured out what I want to do for this year.

    Last time I was in this state was back in 2016. I ended up buying a truck, fell in love with a woman, and somehow running a marathon (actual a 5k, but it led to signing up for a marathon). Then ended up going up a mountain like Moses, experienced a life changing event at a burning bush. No not like Moses, I did not lead his people out of Egypt afterward. I’m kind of seeing myself doing it again now.

    I still drive a truck! Loving it. People I knew started calling me Bear for my outdoors adventure image though I am nowhere near the macho-ness.

    Here am I now, what should I do?? I did all those things because they were new and hard and adventureous. They are no longer new to me now. I still love to spend time on the mountains.

    I am not into creating a new branding of myself. Usually though soul seeking time would result in remaking myself like back in 2016. Maybe I am pivoting to something new.

    I think it comes down to what is worthwhile to do. This time I think would be less dramatic. Actually, I kind of remake myself the past year.

    I need to realign my mission goal again. (I did during 2023, but it was not published).

    I still want to run across the continent. I do want to travel more. I do want to race more.

    The last few years were fun. I got myself to be an ultra marathon runner. And claimed the title of runner of the year in my running club.  It was fun. It took me longer to get where I am. I am still not very good at it but I can say, distances no longer scare me. Anything under 100 is doable. Anything over 100 is probably doable with some planning. The mystery is no longer there.  I am itching to try a 200 miler.

    It opens door to many races. What I really want to try is the Atacama Desert Crossing. I want to try some multi-day running adventures.

    Couple friends wanted to do Vol State or HOTS. Someone suggested the trilogy. I want to do the Tuscarora trail or something similar like the Mid state trail. Here I am dreaming.

    *Rim to Rim of the Grand Canyon. While driving up to Pennsylvania, my friend mentioned something she wanted to do is to hike from Rim to Rim of the Grand Canyon. I did something similar (I only hiked down to the River and back up) and at the time I was not an ultra runner yet. I don’t know if I can fit that into this year. It would be dope if I can do it. Saying this, because I would go just for a hike, even though truly I wanted to run across the Canyon and back in one day.

    Another thing I want to do this year is the Sierra Club One Day Hike (100K). I was interested in this before I was an ultra runner. At the time Hiking one day from DC to Harper Ferry seems interesting because it was impossible for me at the time. Of course if I get accepted, I would run this thing instead of hiking. Probably will take me 16 ish hours.

    I need to make more friends who is into what I am into. Meeting Caroline was something like that. We are both seeking to cross off 50 states marathon. She is like 10 states ahead in 2023. And she did it, finished all fifty states.

    Funny nothing much has changed since 2023.  My goals still are same today as two years ago. A lot of changes are in the air though, vaguely, my career, having a new roommate, moving to a new place, starting a new relationship, and future. Only till 2026 will we know.  My life might turn upside down.  I might have to put aside my personal goals for something bigger. Well I don’t have to have everything together. Once😀😛 I have a clearer picture, I will post again like I did in 2023, likely though it will be 2026 or 2027.  As I get older, pace slow down. I can’t accomplish as much as before, so 2023 goals are still 2025-2026 goals.

    A couple more resolutions

    *Be laser focused

    *overcoming my fear of starting new things

    My previous goals

    1. 2023 published version

    2. 2024 goals

    Last year, I was aiming for finishing the race called Western States.  It was everything to me.  This year, I get to cheer other people doing it. I really want to do it again or to be there.

  • [633][24.16] Midterm rewind

    Looking back at my last pause, [Day600], about six months ago, I don’t have much to say today.  This one won’t do justice compares to the previous one. Maybe because there is not much time separation.  I know I had a great six months, but it is too much to dive in. The next six months will be even more critical how my plan will turn out. So, I don’t want to brag too much of the first half of the year, fearing the second half I won’t able to reach as high as I did already.

    The year, or my training to be exact, started off slowly.  The main goal was to train for the Western States 100.  This race is in two weeks, depending when this post will be published.  The end is in sight. I have no idea how it will turn out but I was not as nervous as 6 months ago. At least I am confident I have a good chance of finishing it. (Race report will be posted soon)

    As for my other goals (races), I had done well.  I ran many races. Almost in my opinion, since I haven’t counted up, I ran as many races as my entire 2023 in the first half of 2024.  I am happy and as well as tired. More excited overall.  I was not going to go for the grand slam six months ago but as things played out, I am going for it now.  First of the four grand slam races is done.  So, I am going for it. 3 more will take place over the summer.

    My hardest race so far was the Massanutten 100 (MMT), not part of the slam.  Well it was my personal slam (or triple crown, C&O, MMT, and OD).  I trained for MMT last year and I did the same this year. The result was not as good as last year. It was unexpected.  I had the race locked in to finish with a good time but it slipped out of me at the final moment. I still finished but it was tough physically.  It took every ounce of me to reach the end. The race just wore me out.  We could blame the wet weather but to me I don’t think that affected me much during the race. My feet were fine.  I did not have blisters or anything, I was just out of energy. I even had a good crew helping me this year too. Anyway, I will leave the monday quarterbacking for another time. The full report of it already was written. I was grateful, I got it done and had a memorable time. And I was in good health.

    Other major races were, OD100, C&O100, and the Taiwan WJS Marathon. I did very well in all of them.  I ran a bunch of smaller races and training runs too. Unfortunately, many were forgotten at this point. They are written down somewhere, so I can always go back to read them, like Seneca, Bull Run Run, Naked Bavarian, and Mid-Maryland.

    My trip to Taiwan was memorable.  It was my second international marathon.  I was pleased how it turned out compares to my first international marathon.  I did not have a concrete plan six months ago (well I signed up the race in October), but glad everything fell into place.

    Running has kept me busy through the spring. I have not had any time to pause for planning, like what I will be doing next year or even for the fall.  As readers know, I paused my regular marathon race schedule, to make this year focusing on running 100 milers. So, I need to see how to line up my marathon races once again.  It feels like a big task.

    It is easy to pencil in races.  But my way of making decisions is I only run a race if I really have a strong emotional tie to it.  I need a strong draw from the race in order to sign up.  Getting this strong feeling is harder when I am distracted with many other races. Yes, it is a weird way of making decisions. The past six months, I had nothing but constant motion. And it is so little time left for soul searching decision, jk. Yes, making the decision of which races to run is a serious business for me each summer.

    Anyway, I have no further things to say.  I hope to build up my savings again for future trips.  I made a big travel over the spring to Taiwan (and Sydney). It is easy to spend money but took me a long time to save up.  I still want to travel more, such as to do the trek in Napal when I am still physically fit.  Grand Canyon, while I have been there couple times, I will want to go back there again, at least, to attempt the Rim to Rim (to Rim) hike/run in one day.  Not sure if this is a near term of a long term plan.  At first, I did not have anyone to do this with, but now, likely things are falling in place.  Yes, I need to get my finance and time available to do this.  The globe trekkers buddies were itching for a trip too.  I went with them to most of my international trips. Not sure if I will join them, though likely not.  I am nowaday prefer solo traveling.

    Those are some longer terms challenges.  My short term challenges are still the same: train and finish up the year races.  It is like an iceberg.  I did 3 big 100s but there were like 7 more.  I lost count.  My pacer at OD100, tried to help me count them, and came to about 7 races are left.

    Heart.  Passion.  Motivation.  I struggle with this in the past. When I am doing too much, I lost sight of the vision why I am doing them. Along with, I am losing the passion of doing things.  I only do things because I like doing them. And if the passion is not there, I don’t want to do it. I think that is the biggest issue for the next six months and the next year is to keep my passion up.

  • Day524 End of the year

    Last couple weeks, a recurrently theme and more like a question to myself, was what am I going to do next.

    I do know and at the same time not know. I could fake an answer, but I cannot to lie to myself.

    For running, I have a long to-do list. I always wish I could share it all. I call it my rainbow table because it is in multicolor of order of importance of which race I want to do. I do keep a year or two of races on here, though the list is not as pretty.

    While the list is like the most practical things of when the rubber meets the road, it sometimes does not immediately tell the bigger picture.

    That is – when I look at my list, instead of it giving me excitement, it sends me a feeling of dread and being overwhelmed. Maybe I am doing too much.

    I got to remind myself — The reason why we all do something is because we love it and passionate about something. At 50000 ft, I do love running. Even down to the street level, I do love it – like if there is a weekend 5k or 50k I do it.

    As a matter of fact, this coming weekend, there is a 50k, called Redeye, and I signed up. It is called Redeye because it will take place on New Year day, after a whole night of celebration, and the race assumes no one has time to sleep. I am running it like it is a local 5k. It is local to me. It will be on the same course as one I did my Devil Dog 100. I told my friend Caroline, I had that course memorized. My feet would know where to go. She was wondering if I am ready for it.

    The last few days, the top things on my mind is not so much if my body is ready for a race, which normally is, but much more what I am doing with myself on a more fundamental level.

    This kind of questions pops up to me from time to time, especially right after a big race. Just like last time back in May when I had soul searching questions, I’d reread my older blog posts. They helped. I reread last year vision statements (or new year resolutions – the ABC. They helped.

    What is ABC? it is not an accronym. It is just the name I gave to a series of blog posts at the beginning of 2022. The first one started with A, then B, so forth. I found time and again rereading them, reset me. They made me feel better. The gist of it is as follow.

    I realize something of what kept me going this year and the last few years is hope. My hope rests on that I will improve and I will get to do greater things even though I am not there yet.

    The fact is 2022 was not that great when I planned it. Nor has it been since the start of the pandemic. It is like I could not do anything. Now the pandemic is kind of over, I am asking what 2023 will be like. Could I plan to do something awesome? That I am kind of don’t know any more. Maybe I lost the meaning of what awesome is. Maybe that what 2023 is for me to find that out.

    This is what I thought awesome used to be.

    I mentioned some bigger things I wanted to do — some of them are near impossible, but some are definitely doable. I wanted to run across America, to run across Tennessee, to hike the Appalachian Mountain, to travel to Napal and do the trek there, to visit Alaska and paddleboat there, to run a marathon in Sydney, and maybe some day run around the world.

    Granted I am doing none of these next year or even the next few years. I haven’t done any of them this year or last year. The easiest on the list is probably going to Alaska or Sydney. I haven’t done them because of the cost.

    But I settled something closer to home. I am planning to do a marathon in Toronto. I signed up already. It is set in May. I got one of my friends, well Craw team member, (who lives near there) to join me. Caroline, also excited when I told this to her. Not sure if she is serious about following me to Toronto. I plan to mention the trip to the rest of my Craw team maybe, maybe, they would too, join me in Toronto.

    What is Craw? Craw is (or was) a virtual race in which we run around the world from the comfort of our home. We are about two weeks away from finishing. Since the theme is running around the world, we should at least do some traveling. I set Toronto my destination.

    Back to the bigger picture. When I wrote up my race recap (twice), I came to the question, what will I do next. My answer and I did not want to say at the time, was same old same old. Basically same as we always done. This year was like last year. Next year will be like this year. We race.

    I was asking myself where is my excitement now. Unlike 5 years ago, I was brimming with joy then. It was until I reread my vision statement. Yes, there are bigger goals out there. And doing these tiny goals maybe in some ways gets me to the bigger ones or at least kind of replace them. It is just like doing the Craw — none of us will ever get a chance to actually literally run around the world, but if we imagine it, we do and could run around the world even from our own home. Yes it is not the same, but the illusion could get you pretty close. Doing the small goals, we could imagine ourselves doing the bigger ones.

    I will leave it as that for now. I don’t have the answer. We try our best to find our next step.

    All said and done, I hope this helps me and others to come up with their new year resolutions. By the way, I need to think up some. Happy new year!

  • Day461 for the joy

    After couple weeks of running in bad weather and super cold temperature, for once we are back to decent running condition (today was 6 C when I went for my run). I think spring is near!

    I realized, I like running when it is super cold. Somehow it helped knowing it is super cold and to be prepared for it. Then it does not feel so bad once I started going.

    However, if the temperature is somewhat decent around maybe 50 F where it is neither cold or warm, somehow I don’t like running because I would be either underdressed and be cold, or I will be way overdressed and have to lug all the extra shirts and jacket around.

    I miss doing spontaneous blogging about my runs, because now I usually do a blog post once a week. The topic usually not immediately related to a run I just did but usually more abstract.

    Like tonight after work, I decided to run to a Vietnamese shopping center to get dinner. It was about 4.5-5 miles away. It was a good run and then I ran back. I felt the food was a good reward. Of course, I could have hopped into my car too, but choosing a run was so much more satisfying. The trail was dark but many others were also doing their night walk. It was safe. I wish to be able to do runs like that every day.

    Now about the previous post, I don’t intend to finish it at this time. I lost the train of thought on exactly how to go about it. In brief, I was trying to justify my running as something purposeful and meaningful. I still do – trying to see why what I am doing is so worthwhile.

    This I realized there might not be any meaning to it. I run just because I just do and enjoy doing it. I know it might have been partly an escape from reality — which is kind of true! Life is hard and boring. I do a 9-5 job. Many times I wish I rather be outside running during my working hours instead of sitting at my desk, doing almost meaningless repetitive tasks day after day.

    But as someone said to me recently, to “grow up!” and accept that such is life for everyone too and just endure it because it pays for my food and gives a roof over my head. The person’s point I think is don’t treat your main part (essential) of your life as play time and don’t confuse my play time (hobby) as work. Truth is I wish my running is my career.

    When I run I feel free from worries and everything about life. I would just run and not feel tired. I would and could run forever. Running is my reality — my true world and domain. Alright, I might got carry away a bit but indeed I love running.

    I admit maybe I am over doing it a little too much. In the last blog I was asking what it means to be great. We would think of being recognized for the work we did. Some run 5K, and if someone comes and run a 10K, that in comparison seems the longer distance is better. In a way, I have been climbing up to the marathon distance and then ultra marathon. Doing more and in a bigger scope is one way to be great or at least it gives the feeling of doing something more substantive. Maybe it is a fallacy. And I asked myself is there more? What do I want to do next?

    The reason why I seek to do more or the next level of difficulty is for the challenge and to find my motivation. After running a 100 mile last year, doing it again this year does not bring anything new to the table. I mean I still will enjoy doing it again, but it was not as challenging as when the 100 mile distance was unknown.

    So I was trying to determine in my heart, where am I going to stop.

    This is not so much a continuation of the last post, since I lost my interest/focus in it. I don’t have an answer to what I am seeking, but I am pressing ahead nonetheless having an inkling that this is the way.

    I think a lot about meaning and significance of my life goals especially why I run, virtually every time I step out my door. They tie into having a vision and mission statement. Whether I have one explicitly written out or left unsaid, we all have a kind of vision inside that we are driving toward – at least for me. It is important though our implicit or unstated vision should match our stated one.

    If I can summarize my vision, it is to seek the joy in experiencing the world through running in any conditions and anywhere at any time.

    It all started because I was being pointed out that I am exceedingly seeking my own joy over that of other people. Maybe so. I am very zealous of my free time. I was taking aback initially because it was morally not right. Now after thinking through, I don’t feel bad about it any more because we all do so. There is no requirement that we should live our life for other people. It is admirable some do seek for the betterment of others even with the sacrifice of their own. There is a balance somewhere. But each of us have our private goals. I always ask myself what am I willing to give up to obtain such and such.

    I have been running for 5 years. I dived headlong into this obsession. It took all my time. My time away from friends and family and even my former things I like (such as working on the computer, watching anime, and reading a good book). To me though, it is no longer a sacrifice. Initially it might have, but now I am more comfortable and prefer to be out on the roads at every opportunity I have. I enjoy being out on the road alone at night even if it is miserably cold at time. I admit nowaday it is an obsession (and even an unhealthy one). Everything now is measured by how much time I can spend on the course or how many races I am giving up if I do another thing. Races are my currency and language. I eat and breathe running.

    2. Identity. Who do we identify with. I like to be recognized by runners. Ya, he is an ultra runner will bring me joy. Maybe it is a little vanity. In reality whether people give me the recognition or not, I am a runner because of what I do. I don’t care whatever label is attached to me. A question shoyld ask myself is what the ultimate label I want to be identified with.

    3. Purpose. Some people finding having reason why we do something is important. A Mission statement usually give what and why. Say if I am going to Napal “to” climb the mountain, then the reason I am there is to do things I plan to do. Some purposes might be more intrinsic. I travel to see the world and people. My deeper goals usually left unsaid. I run because I feel good afterward. I usually don’t put that explicit reward in my statement. It is assume I am doing it to feel good. I also like to overcome tough challenges. Searching for that deeper reason maybe is beneficial. It could be the purpose will provide meaning too.

    growth. We do stuff hopefully it will change us in the process. Maybe growth is what we are after. Say if I hike across America, what do I hope to accomplish in the end? In the end, we hope to live a life with no regrets.

    time frame. I rush to do things because I feel I don’t have much time left. Each year is busier than the year before. I definitely know my energy is not unlimited. I hope get most things done within the next 10 years or so if I’m lucky. According to my plan, due to money problem, I can’t go out and spurt every single year. It requires being creative in how to budget. But if I take the conventional route, I can affort to do like 2-3 major things within the next 10 years.

    • Running in all 50 states. This is almost for sure
    • Running a 200 mile race. This is almost for sure now. I can see myself attempting it. It is a big potato but not too big
    • 7 continent race. hmm, this could be one of the three things I should do…probably the easiest of the big three
    • AT hike. It would be good if I get to do this. This is likely one of the big three and I am so nervous in pulling this off. This one resonates a lot. If I want to live a life with no regret, this is a must-do!
    • Running across ‘Murica. Definitely will be mind blowing. I can’t wrap my head at this time seeing myself doing this, but if I can have it as one of 3 things to do in my life, this would be it. Mind blowing great to pull this one off. I might want to do it twice (southern route and the northern route. Also the Let’s go South route!
    • Circum navigate/run across the globe. I have to leave now if this ever is a reality! because it takes about 10 years. if I really want to do the unthinkable, this is the one goal.

    An example on identity, the past week, something caused me to think of myself as an athlete. Sure a runner is an athlete but normally, I think of running is a hobby and an activity like walking or birdwatching not as intense as being an athlete. It is low stress and low commitment for me. Athlete to me means another level where people would admire because we want to see the performance and speed and prowness. Seeing myself as an athlete, changes how I train. And training is no longer optional.

    Sometimes we have check how do we identify ourselves. We might be surprised if we change the labels around.

    Long story ahort, is I am crystalizing what I want in life and pursuing after it. Sometimes, it might require making some unpopular choices.

    Not related but I want to tie in this extra part on finance. Unexpectedly my blog post on retirement attached way more traffic than my usual postings. Not sure whether they were bots or real readers. Somehow people like to read or find out how much to save for retirement! I guess it is not a surprise if I really think about it because I have the same question (if not for my privacy concern, I would even share my spreadsheets). Meanwhile, I was referred to another blog on the same topic. It is a very good post and I want to share it (note, usually I don’t post links, but this is an exception). I rather my visitors read this person’s article than mine.

    The author captures the life I want to live. Abandoning a stable job to live a life that is I think is more fulfilling. It is the idea of stop wasting your life away. You have to live your life now. The article has some solid partical tips to ease one’s anxiety concerning retirement. It can be found here – [https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-stop-worrying-about-the-future-and-start-living-your-life-now/]

  • Day281 Dream

    As I pondered on my mission statement, someone asked me what I think is missing in my life? This can be answered in many ways. It is hard to answer – I wish it is simple as a concrete ordered list of items. Deep down, I don’t really know the answer.

    There are people who are perfectly content of where they are in life. While life might not be perfect, they are happy of what they have or where they are.

    Not me though. I am not sure if I can ever find myself at peace with the way things are. Sometimes though I do get too tired and lazy and start accepting the status quo, but that is not who I am. I have been contending with myself and my environment since day 1. Things can’t stay the way they are. I measure myself by changes each year and positive changes over a period of time, which I called growth. My struggle and inner drive is probably the proof that I am alive.

    I wrote up a blog on this to answer this question, yet it remained unpublished (maybe some day I will). I wanted a rewrite, because while running an amazing thought came to me of how I will write this, unfortunately I forgot. Let this be a take two if you will. I don’t want to be too negative as one who is ungrateful of what the Creator has allotted to me.

    I know I am already part of the one percent by living in a developed nation, and not just any nation, but the world only superpower. In many metrics, we outshine the second place by huge margin (it is not a perfect nation, but we have done well in many ways, especially in term of wealth). On top of that I am much much well off than many in the nation already. I might not the one percentile in term of wealth (many of my peers are, or near there), but I live a much comfortable life, not having worry when my next meal will be or where I will sleep. All bills are paid on time and best of all, there is a lot of money left over for me to ‘spurt’ on vanity spending for example, on races and running shoes — stuffs I don’t need to survive.

    That said, I am not unhappy. There are something missing still. There are things I can have control over and there are things I have less to no control over. Obviously, we all fighting with the limited amount of time and money. I can only do so much in this amount of time. There is also talent. Say, even if I have eternity, I will not be a great musician, that is something I must accept.

    I wish to do better in life. 1. What this mean I strive to make more money still. Much much more. Humongous amount. I talk as much about money as I do with running. Stocks and investments and 401K are my lingo.

    2. A better job.

    3. A wife. I found love once. I used to believe it doesn’t exist. Then encountered it, but it was like a mirage. I am a changed man though. A lot can be said about it. I think it is most ironic facet of life. There is a blog I follow, I think it called something the brokenspecs, which captured this irony. It is not simple. I can’t wrap my mind around it.

    4. A house. I don’t really need one, but seeing other people buying, kinda make me go hmmm, why can’t I buy one too. Of course I can’t afford one yet with my salary.

    5. Adventures. Life would be dull if it is just work and paying off debts and on the weekend either endless chores and too tired to do anything else. Having a focus or cause to pursuit is what make life real and worth living. I don’t get it exactly what I want or need to be satisfied. Over the years I came up with two lists: The first one is my bucket list items [BL], and the second list is what I find delightful [JY].

    [JY] https://antin.blog/50-joyful-things/

    [BL] https://antin.blog/bucket-list/

    6. Religion. I am a religious guy in a way. I know I was taught that there is a god-shaped hole inside each of us, that can’t be filled but God himself. Whether this is true or not is religion. I wish it is true. The argument goes, if you have God then you don’t need anything. I am a simple guy, I can’t think too hard on these kind of things. I don’t think it is true. But by that argument, there are very few people who attain this, because most of us have ‘other’ goals in life than ‘seeking’ God. Any way, I think about this stuff a lot, and I probably not the first one in history to do so.

    I prefer focusing on item 5. I can say a lot on it. I like to travel. So I need more money for this. Hope to go around the World one day! I already did in an airplane, but you know that is not what I mean. I want to climb to the base camp of Mount Everest. Visit Nepal to do trekking. Climb Kilimanjero and touch its snow. Go to Galapagos islands. When I went to Chile, I didn’t get to go to the southern most point (they called it the end of the world), so I would like to go back there. Travel on the silk road. Plus many more places.

    Adventures – Trek. Hike the PCT, CDT, AT. Cross the USA continent, experience the Oregon Trail.

    Running. There is no end to this. Run marathons in all 50 states. Do some ultras and triathlon. Escape from Alcatraz seems interesting.

    Backpacking. Many adventures. Vermont. presidential traverse. Adirondacks: the great range traverse. White Mnt. camp in Alaska.

    Other sports. I wish to able to Kayak more. Bike more. Learn how to ski. I hear skiing is a lot of fun. Swim.

    Ya, we have only limited amount of time on hand. For me, I wish to do all these things within the next 10 years of life when my strength is still near my peak.

    That is what I am struggling each weekend.

  • God at war

    Couple days ago I put down in writing of the things I want to do in order to have what I think is a satisfying life. When I was younger, it wasn’t as

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  • What to do

    What are my goals for the next year? I think it is obvious that I want to run and hike as much

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