In awe

Nothing much happened for me last week. I might as well take the week off for a mental health break. And I did, from running that is.

I blame the booster shot. It made me super tired and unmotivated. I was better though by the end of the week but I did not run.

Running for me used to be effortless – well almost. This week, it was something more. I can’t find the joy in doing something I like so much in the past. I know it is ok to take a break from time to time. This time it was not a break I am looking for. It was a dread. It was a mental thing of unable to pull myself together. I can only describe it as a panic attack. It is weird to say it now but it felt like I was going to die if I even moved. So I stayed still, in my room, on my bed and time just flew away. The only thing I noticed was sunrise and sunset. I don’t think it was laziness.

By the end of the week (day 10 actually), I got down on my knee and prayed. This can’t go on I know. I need to live my life. Whether you believe it or not, I said I don’t know where the anxiety is coming from but it is paralyzing me and I couldn’t do anything worthwhile in this state. I had Lyme disease before when my body couldn’t run. This time, I know my body is able to run but my mind is jacked. My source of greatest joy became my fear. When I ran, I felt if my heart would crush me and the sky would fall. God answered. My fear (heaviness or whatever that is) was lifted. I could think clearly again. I could plan and go about my things.

I could write plenty about the Russian war that broke out this week. The only thing is if we really care about preventing it, we should have troops on the ground to fight alongside against the opponent force. Or if the Russians are right, join Russia’s side and bring it to a quick end. It is because our country lacks commitment that enboldens the invasion. That is my piece. If it’s sanctions, do it properly even if it hurts our economy, and be willing to accept that it hurts me more than it hurts you.

Enough on war, this week, I found a 200 mile race. It is out in Nebraska, in November, brrr. They say it is a good race for first timers. I am keeping my eyes on it. I won’t be brave enough to run it this year but maybe next or two years from now. This might be the race for me. Then I can claim the 200 mile feat.

Also I came across someone who tries to run from Florida to Canada. I learned there is another trail beyond the Appalachian Trail. From this I came across the trail race, Pinhoti 100. I am hooked. This might be my next 100 mile race.

The next 100 race is still up in the air. I likely will do the Outer Banks one, called the Blackbeard 100, because it is on my list “for a long time” (like maybe since last year). Blackbeard is a road race. Yet Pinhoti is on trail and I like trail racing over road running.

Next year’s schedule is a bit packed. I want to travel to see some mountains, specifically doing the Annapurna Trek in Nepal. I should not sign up for so many races. I feel a bit of cold feet on the trip at the moment. I’m not giving up on it yet but I am leaning of putting it off for another year. Don’t know why I’m feeling reluctant to commit, maybe the funding is not where I want it to be. In 2020 I saved a lot and was glad. 2021 I had a break even year. I made a lot of money but also spent a lot (20k+ went into investing, which I considered as spending). Otherwise if not for my spending/investing, I should have enough saved up for the trip by now. Ya, I am hoping to budget around 20k, I think 10k should be enough though. Sorry, first world problem. How much of that do I have? About a couple thousand I can spare at the moment, which is only enough for the airfare. But my car is about to be paid up and by summer, I should have money rolling in, if everything continues as now and by the time of next year, I should reach my funding goal.

Along the line, I came across a streamer and he is planning to walk across the US while eating Subway sandwiches or whatever the store has. I don’t want to give a shoutout being a shy person I am, but you can probably find him (or them) on twitch under Subway Sean if you google for it. He will start out in May, likely May 1. This kind of thing blows my mind. I really wish I could do that. I don’t know when I can get my own Tran-Con rolling. I would be sad if I die and have not done a transcontinental crossing on foot.

As for my life this week, I have nothing much to write about. The struggle is real. I have not run at all in the past week. I couldn’t focus much on anything. But guess what? Newport News Marathon is this Saturday. I will write about it in the next post or next next post (ya, usually now I wait two weeks to post something current).