In awe

TL;DR – some self talk to get me into training again. Goals for this year. The year is not over yet

Three weeks since I finished the 100 mile race, and I am in a rough stretch emotionally. It is expected as with any big race that there will be a big let down when the show is over and the limelight dims. It has been always like this. I am floundering.

I don’t have anything immediately to work toward. Life is back to the old grind. There is a sense I hate it here and want to break out. I need to do something different. I have been asking myself what am I trying to do again.

It was good to reread some of my older posts on here and I wrote down the exact things of what I wanted to do from past years, such as Resolutions, Unicorn goals, to this year ABC. They helped. For the past 6 years I have been trying to be a “better” runner. I mean I have been chasing the same goal the last six years and each year, I get a bit better. This year I really understood what that means, to be able to run faster, farther, stronger, longer in any conditions and at any time. I don’t have my mission statement on here but I found it written down in another place and after reading it, I am back on track. I am still shy to share my mission statement here. But this is a fresh breath at the moment when I found I have lost my direction. I felt I finally resurfacing again. MMT is not the end of things.

I reread some of my earlier goals too. They are not wrong. They were just a bit tame. In 2020, all I wanted to do was to run the C&O 100 because in my mind it was the one I could or need to do. Note in the end, I did not do it. I ran instead the Georgia GSER 100 (twice) and failing at that twice in 2020. It was only 2021, I sucessfully did a 100 mile at Raccoon100 and again at RimToRiver100. Anyway, they were my bigger goals then and that I thought they were unreachable. I still need to go back and finish these some day (I mean GSER 100 and C&O100, maybe by 2024).

This year and last year, I am getting clearer to what I wanted to do with my life especially after my mom’s illness and a big fight with my sister. Silly me to try to keep silent of what my goals are. Luckily, there were enough clues there to decipher what they were. Hey it has only been 5 months since the January 1st entry. If I myself don’t know what I want wjo would know? Yes, I wanted to achieve a bigger goal than to run another 100 mile since. Nope, it is not to run a 200 mile, though I am flirting with this. It is to run across America or one of those biggies. And especially I want to refocus on traveling to oversea. I want to travel to 10 places before I die. Don’t laugh. It is not as easy as you think. I don’t mean to travel to Europe and hit all ten at once. Back on topic, I see why I was reluctant to state this during the new year because there is no way for my brain to wrap around those big goals. Also I was afraid of failure. What worse than failure is I fear being laughed at when I fail, even though why would people laugh at me, right? Apparently this year I am been back to my old self of trying to lower the risk of failures and to stay safe! What MMT taught me is I can’t play it safe. Staying safe contributed to losing that race. I was keeping too safe most of the race. It almost got me completely to forget who I am and what I try to do.

I have put them in the back of my mind for over 6 months. Now they are coming back out. Basically what am I doing this year to make that goal a step closer? Nothing much so far, but it shouldn’t be like that.

I need to identify the things that are preventing me from achieving it. Here I am talking about the Nepal trip. If it is money, I need to get my finance in order. I certainly can save up 10-20 thousand dollars if I put my mind to it. I did succeeded in getting my bank account from zero to where it is today, but again I almost ruin my own goals by being distracted by many other things recently as I see my account again going down to the red. I blame Twitch for much of my overspending.

I have been watching SubwaySean on Twitch with his training and now he is over 1 month in walking across the US. There are 5 more months remain on his journey. He basically gives me a template to follow. This goal does not have to be 4 or 5 years away! It can be done now! It takes at least a few months of planning to get me off the ground.

I need to reset my internal compass. I have been at lost after my most recent race.

Thinking more on what I am trying to do for the rest of this year:

Finish this year! Run the marathons I need to run (MM and MI). Go to ME and MA next year. Get all the M states over with
-Run faster
-Finish CRAW / GVRAT virtual race
-evaluate how I can finish 50 states quicker. Yes go back to the planning board
-get Run across America on track, need an intentional planning session. I need to say to myself I am doing this
-get Annapurna Trip back on Track, seriously have that on my schedule, get the funding down. Six months ago I was hyped about this, because it will be either next spring or fall trip and it is coming up but I have done nothing. I have been waiting 5 years for this, but I have spent the funding that was saved on something else (twitch) this year and there is no room on the schedule for the trip, so I punted this to a later date (2024)
-Get MMT (23) back on track. Be intentional that I want this race next year
-Start training for OBX100, it won’t be like MMT. This one is all about speed
-Get Ontario/Toronto Marathon into view (May for the river front marathon) and some other international marathons down. This is a definite! Have a plan down for the next few years for my international races. I was hyped about this a few years ago. Get this project Rolling

AND don’t forget Cowboy200. Have to put on the big pants to think about attempting a 200 mile race and not shy away just because it is so “impossibly” hard. It is exactly the same process I started when I put 100 mile race on my radar in 2020. Make what is hard easier

Plus add the Chile desert run (Atacama Crossing). This is currently on my peripheral vision but unlike any other goals, this is what is stirring my heart at the moment, maybe if I am really serious, 2023 might be a possibility and if not 2024 or later

Also looking peripherally, Lake Tahoe was once what I wanted to do. FYI, there is still room for registration for this year run! Not sure if this race will make it onto my schedule next year. I think they called this TRT’ER. It was supposed to be this year but I don’t have the confident to tackle this yet. I am kind of want to do a 100 mile instead 50 mile version.

I have been thinking much about Grand Canyon run. That is another thing I want to do to cross the Grand Canyon twice in one day. They called it the R2R2R (rim to rim to rim). R2R2R has been on my mind for the last few years. I need to be serious to get it onto my calendar

As I start thinking more what is left for this year, TWOT, the wild Oak Run is on the peripheral too. I forgot about this but it is likely make it onto my calendar this year. There is plenty left to do for this year. TWOT is scarier than MMT. If you think MMT psyched me out, TWOT is so many times that. There are only a handful of finishers and some people took 40+ hours to finish this thing. But this race is in my backyard! I didn’t think it was that hard. I thought 35 hours were bad. The race starts 8 am on Friday and lasts to Sunday. It is four loop totalling 112 miles. This year will be held on October 28. Registration opens on June 14!

–Devil Dog. I should seriously train for this so I won’t DNF again. Be bold and aim for the 100 mile this time in this God forsaken forest. I wrote about my feeling for this race. It is indeed a devil race

Only thing that get me excited is how hard the fall season will be! MMT was hard! But the Devil Dog will be many times harder. I was there last year and know how brutal the course was. Also next year, it is likely I will do two 100 mile races in a row. Think big. So training for that will be a new height for me. Thinking of the challenges fire me up again.

I wrote up this entry at the beginning of the week. I don’t know why it is still that I am not motivated to run. I ran once during the week on one of the hotter days near midnight. It reminded me on another similar run in January at midnight on one of winter coldest night. I was hoping the contrast somehow will prompted me to start off the fall season training.

I am going to Worlds End to volunteer in a race this weekend. Hopefully, it will raise my spirit up and jump start my training.