In awe

Author: Antin

  • Day463 burning the midnight oil & BRR TR2

    This week was unproductive. There was a bit on my plate and I was worried over stuff at work. A few years ago, I wouldn’t believe I would have panic attacks because I was usually carefree happy go lucky. But now many little things would bother me and it is hard to focus at times and give me jump scares. I am upset with a bunch of stuff. Anyway, I didn’t get my runs in on the days I wanted this week. I just was not able to will myself.

    Countinuing where my blog left off, my last weekend started with the BRR training run #2. I arrived like an hour late and so I ran by myself. BRR – Bull Run Run 50 Mile is an ultra in my local area. When I first started running, BRR was scary for me. Ever since, I never signed up for the race. Besides they always sold out before I knew about it. This year was no difference. I missed the sign up. However, I have been going to their training runs, mostly for motivation and meeting local runners. They are the same people who put on the MMT 100 that I will be running coming May, so in my opinion, I should get to know them ahead of time. I think I might need a pacer and hopefully, I could find from these local runners someone who would fit my style. Usually anyone would do, but it would be nice to find someone who has a similar personality/pace – who clicks.

    I have trained on the Bull Run Trail on my own in the past and I was familiar with the portion closer to my house. I had a bad opinion of the trail because of the mud and that it is mostly flat.

    Little did I know on the other end (Fountainhead or really the start point) is unlike the part near where I live. I have never been to the Fountainhead side. It is not at all swampy and it is also super hilly. I had a blast on my run.

    At first, my intent was to run 20-30 miles for the training. By noon I was worn. I only did about 10-12 miles. It was alright. I called it a day. I got back to my car while other people were still out and about. Though I was late, I ran into many runners on the trail. I was shy so I didn’t meet up with them after the run. Pretty much for the rest of the day after I got home, I slept. This set up the pattern for the rest of the week — small runs and a lot of sleeping.

    Sunday: I had a 5K run. It was a good run. It was my first 5K in a long time. I was happy to finish under 30 minutes. I think my time was 28 or 29 minutes. It was slow in term that I had run a 5K between 24-25 minutes, but I felt this was the fastest I could muster in my current state. I started slow without a warm up. It was a cold Sunday, maybe at 30 F (it was snowing, and I thought the race would be canceled). Halfway through, I started hitting my pace, but I was unable to push harder – I felt I hit a limit.

    I stayed with the pace, then a guy caught up to me – he said I have been following you for a while and finally caught up. I was happy for him and cheered him on, though I know he was breathing kind of hard. I was not breathing heavily, moving at a leisure pace. We chatted. He said he hasn’t done any racing for two years. He did the Marine Corps and I said I did too. We came to a hill, and I was able to push a bit harder and he felt behind. We came to two more hills and before long I got to the finish. He came in about 10 seconds later. Not bad. He is maybe 10 years older than me, so that was really good for him. I didn’t tell him that I used to run even faster, and maybe he could also say the same thing too. Nothing to brag about but good to meet a light hearted fellow.

    I know I need to work on my speed this year. I really want to get my marathon time down to 4 hours and with an eye, hoping that one day to get it down to three hours. It is a far goal to BQ (Boston Marathon Qualified). Yes it is one of my impossible and secret goals, I don’t know if I could ever reach.

    Monday to Wednesday. I did not run. The weather was cold and I came home each night tired. I usually fell asleep by 9 pm. Normally 9 pm is when I go for my runs. My sleep pattern has changed this week. By sleeping early I usually became awake a few hours later. Now I am active in the early morning like from 3-5 am. And I sleep again once the sun is about to be up. Maybe I have to switch my run to the early morning instead.

    This coming weekend – I have a training run. This one is actually for my own race the MMT 100 in May. It is out in the middle of nowhere. Supposedly I should drive down on Friday night, camp out, and then run on Saturday, and maybe camp out again on Saturday night before coming home. I want to, but I haven’t had time to plan it properly. What likely will happen is I’ll wake up super early and do the drive out. The run is at 8 am. The drive is about two hours maybe three. Probably I need to wake around 3 am. Leave by 4 and I think I will make it.

    I am proud of myself to have finally nailed down my flight and hotel for the Grandma’s Marathon. The flight was about $50 cheaper than when I first searched for them two weeks ago. It is a direct flight takes 2 hours. I think it is pretty good. It is about maybe $100 more than last year, but I am willing to take it. As for the hotel, there are a lot of choices. There were none available at Duluth, but I am willing to take hotels in Minneapolis and make that long drive out and back (2.5 – 3 hrs drive). I think I have a decent hotel for $106 per night. I could stay in a motel for around $60-70, but usually the quality for those ones are bad. I would only take a motel if I have no choice. I prefer to stay in a bit at higher tier accommodation. I am happy with this choice too because I think I saved another $50, compared to when I last checked. It is near the airport. Usually I avoid hotels near the airport having had bad experiences before — bad services, but I am willing to gamble again. They say you pay for what you get and airport hotels are usually that.

    The race will be on Saturday. I will be flying in early Friday morning, run on Saturday and fly home on Sunday. This is for the race in June.

    Couple more weeks until my first marathon at Newport.

    There is not much to this report. I had a hard time coming up with what to write. My training has been bad but I also did a few decent runs. My sleep time is bad but I had enough I think, so I am not tired in the morning. I got a few race related stuff done, am happy to get them out of the way. All that is left is training. (While writing this up, I came across a race, hint I am interested – Pinhoti 100). And of course, did this all in the middle of the night. Another week has passed, looking toward a better week next week.

    TL;DR I slept a lot at odd hours and did not run. I was able to settle some of pre-race tasks

    meta: after writing this entry, I realized that my new weird sleeping hours and fatigue and anxiety could be due to the side effect of he vaccine booster shot taken last week. oh and the vivid dreams too, it all makes sense now.

  • Day462 up ahead – some decisions

    I was debating at the beginning of the week if I should sign up for some local races.

    The answer should have been a “quick, sign me up!” I don’t know any more. I am not what I once was. I am less incline to rush into a race even if it is free. By the way, BRR training #2 is scheduled to again. I did BRR#1 two weeks ago. Sign up (for the free training) opened this week, and I am on the fence. It is a race in April I didn’t sign up (and won’t-its full) except for its training runs.

    Back in October, I committed myself to a few bigger races already: One City Marathon, Salisbury Marathon, and Grandma’s Marathon. My other races this year will fall into places accordingly. After locking them, it has been a waiting game and training.

    I’m halfway through on my training for the first race, One City. Time passed surprising fast, the race day approaches, with couple weeks left. I wish I have 12 weeks instead of 8. I didn’t anticipate being injured after Devil Dog Ultra, and that set me back for about 8 weeks. I am not worry. I think I did some decent runs and more or less ready. My body finally recovered after the Devil Dog. I am not in tip top shape but I am sure I can pull off a marathon. My left knee is still acting weird from time to time (I lose balance every so often, like it just drops out on me – might be some ligament issue) but my left forefoot no longer hurts (initially I thought I had a fracture, because I pounded too hard in the race). Basically I can train harder and will be ready by race day, if not the first race, by the second race. There is just so much I want to write when I’m restricting once a week post. I figure I need to focus more on my training now such as working on specific skills – like having a plan and a way to chart my progress. Maybe more on this in a future post, hopefully by the 2nd race.

    This week I also signed up a 10K and a 5K. Yes, by the time the blog is posted, both would have already taken place or will be shortly. Since, I signed up late, the price increased to $60. I paid something around $67 after all the fees added on. Yep. It bothered me to have missed out on the early bird pricing. 5K and 10K races usually have been my bread and butter and they are exactly why I love about running before the pandemic – fast and hard running. Now, I have left so many of them slipped by. I think this will be my 2nd and 3rd local race since the beginning of the pandemic. They no longer attract me like they once did. I prefer now more longer and slower runs and running by myself in some remote places than racing.

    This week I also signed up a 50K in March, The Seneca Greenway. This is one of my favorite since the pandemic and I have been running it last two years in a row. This time would be my third year. It will be held the weekend after the One City Marathon. It will be a rough schedule to run two big races back to back with a week apart. I won’t recover in time but I know I can handle it.

    One City is less than a month away (first weekend of March). I am excited! I have been waiting for it at least for 3 years. Last two years were canceled due to the pandamic. This year is for real. We are doing it. I will write about it more the race arrives. I booked my hotel this week.

    About hotels and flights, things are so much more expensive this year! I tried to find a flight to MSP for the Grandma’s Marathon too and I was surprised by the prices! Hotels and everything are twice from what I paid a year ago granted this time is in high season, summer. The sticker shock is holding me back from booking them at this time. I know it will only get more expensive later but now I’m considering if there a way to reduce the cost. I might have to sleep on the side of the road! About the hotels, there are none left at Duluth, the race city! Apparently I didn’t receive the memo to book the hotel immediately after signing up the race as the race website advises (and by calling in). Now my plan is I would have to wake up in the middle of the night to make the drive from St Paul /Minn. I’m so tempted to go without a hotel and sleep in the car and then fly out as soon as after the race is done and will be a bit stinky as usual after a race.

    Can you believe, I haven’t run a single marathon this year and yet I am planning for next year? What brought this up was I want to travel to Toronto. And the best reason to travel is racing!

    I am thinking of going to Toronto (for either a marathon or ultra) for next year – as long as Covid is under control. I actually want to go this year but Covid means a lot hassle gerting tested to cross the border. This year, Toronto will have an in-person race, but I think it might be very strict crossing the border and back. If by flying, I will need to take the Covid PCR test and take another test to fly back. Hopefully by next year it would be less strict. Already heard on the news about protests and people are tired of covid measures. We Virginians already threw out the mask mandate (a change in the political climate here).

    I am eyeing one of three races in Toronto. I like to do the one in May, but it seems the organization is kind of weak compares to the one in October. The October one is a big downtown marathon with a lot of festivity. I know I will have a lot of crowd support. This used to be what I like, but now a day, I prefer more low key races and less fanfare. The third I am thinking of is at the Niagara Falls (around May or June) and it is an ultra. It is definitely my jam. I think it is on trail. They have various diatances. I don’t mind if it is even 100K. I am up for it. Here is the kicker, I want to do all three but from financial standpoint, I should choose one, so I am now unable to make up my mind. It is still early. It is for next year. I will sleep on it for now.

    I am excited to do an international debut! Ideally it should be a marathon. Hopefully, by next year things will become clearer.

    Also this week I am eyeing to sign up for Ann Arbor Marathon. It will be in October. I could do it this year, but I might be experiencing burn-out like last year by October. It might be wise to move it to 2023. If I do it this year, I would knock out two marathons. Ann Arbor would be my 10th marathon (10th state of 50). I’m still undecided on this race since airfares and hotels are so expensive.

    For the rest of the year, I am waiting for the registration for Iron Mountain Ultra to open. The Devil Dog Ultra also is on my target. I got to redeem myself for the DNF I received last year. I haven’t made up my mind to go for the 100k or go full blown and do the 100 mile. I failed at the 100k last year, so trying the 100k is a safer option. 100 mile is so much more tougher.

    Two other races opened up this past week, the Lake Ridge Ultra and Eastern Divide Ultta (EDU). Lake Ridge, I am like 99% will do. They have 6 hrs, 12 and 24 hours and last year was the first time I ran it. It is interesting to do a race based on time (ends when the time runs out) rather than distance.

    As for the EDU, this was my initiation to trail running and I always want to go back to give it a go a second time, but scheduling has been tough. This year is no different. The race date conflicts with two other races: Richmond Marathon and Stone Mill. I am undecided which one of three will win out.

    Indecision. I have a deferral ticket for the Richmond Marathon, but ultras have a bigger draw. Stone Mill Ultra and EDU conflict with it. Stone Mill is 50 mile. I run Stone Mill every year and would like to do it again. EDU is 50k ish. Stone Mill also costs less and is longer, 50 mi. EDU is not that much more either (maybe around $100 by the time if I decide to sign up).

    Non-race. The Marine Corps Marathon is open for sign up. I have a deferral ticket from last year. After thinking over it, I don’t feel ready to tackle it this year. It is just a 50k but it is a fast 50k. I ran it last time in 6 hours, just barely before their cut. I think I can repeat this but I am nervous too of what if I can’t. I realized I have gotten slower, way slower these last two years. Maybe training for all those ultras slowed me down. I want to say is city racing is no longer a draw to me. I plan to defer it to next year.

    Lastly, I set my eyes on two events for next year. One is Blackbeard 100 mile at Outer Banks and the other is trekking in Annapurna. Next year is the year to do one of my trekking trips. I am hyped for both of these. I have been working for years to do either of them.

    I rambled off about 10 or so races and likely lost all my audience. Racing and going to places is exciting. I don’t like doing the planning/details but they had to be done. This week, I had to plan for these races at least have them on my calendar. I put them on here so as to reinforce the dates into my head. I wrote them down in couple places. As for readers, don’t worry, I will write about them as they come.

    I am still struggling with motivation. Thinking about racing helps a bit. I actually don’t feel like posting this blog because it seems like a lot of speculations and nothing concrete, but ot has been what on my mind these two weeks.

    TL;DR Toronto is on my sight as well as Outer Banks and Annapurna for next year and maybe a couple more races for this year.

  • Day461 for the joy

    After couple weeks of running in bad weather and super cold temperature, for once we are back to decent running condition (today was 6 C when I went for my run). I think spring is near!

    I realized, I like running when it is super cold. Somehow it helped knowing it is super cold and to be prepared for it. Then it does not feel so bad once I started going.

    However, if the temperature is somewhat decent around maybe 50 F where it is neither cold or warm, somehow I don’t like running because I would be either underdressed and be cold, or I will be way overdressed and have to lug all the extra shirts and jacket around.

    I miss doing spontaneous blogging about my runs, because now I usually do a blog post once a week. The topic usually not immediately related to a run I just did but usually more abstract.

    Like tonight after work, I decided to run to a Vietnamese shopping center to get dinner. It was about 4.5-5 miles away. It was a good run and then I ran back. I felt the food was a good reward. Of course, I could have hopped into my car too, but choosing a run was so much more satisfying. The trail was dark but many others were also doing their night walk. It was safe. I wish to be able to do runs like that every day.

    Now about the previous post, I don’t intend to finish it at this time. I lost the train of thought on exactly how to go about it. In brief, I was trying to justify my running as something purposeful and meaningful. I still do – trying to see why what I am doing is so worthwhile.

    This I realized there might not be any meaning to it. I run just because I just do and enjoy doing it. I know it might have been partly an escape from reality — which is kind of true! Life is hard and boring. I do a 9-5 job. Many times I wish I rather be outside running during my working hours instead of sitting at my desk, doing almost meaningless repetitive tasks day after day.

    But as someone said to me recently, to “grow up!” and accept that such is life for everyone too and just endure it because it pays for my food and gives a roof over my head. The person’s point I think is don’t treat your main part (essential) of your life as play time and don’t confuse my play time (hobby) as work. Truth is I wish my running is my career.

    When I run I feel free from worries and everything about life. I would just run and not feel tired. I would and could run forever. Running is my reality — my true world and domain. Alright, I might got carry away a bit but indeed I love running.

    I admit maybe I am over doing it a little too much. In the last blog I was asking what it means to be great. We would think of being recognized for the work we did. Some run 5K, and if someone comes and run a 10K, that in comparison seems the longer distance is better. In a way, I have been climbing up to the marathon distance and then ultra marathon. Doing more and in a bigger scope is one way to be great or at least it gives the feeling of doing something more substantive. Maybe it is a fallacy. And I asked myself is there more? What do I want to do next?

    The reason why I seek to do more or the next level of difficulty is for the challenge and to find my motivation. After running a 100 mile last year, doing it again this year does not bring anything new to the table. I mean I still will enjoy doing it again, but it was not as challenging as when the 100 mile distance was unknown.

    So I was trying to determine in my heart, where am I going to stop.

    This is not so much a continuation of the last post, since I lost my interest/focus in it. I don’t have an answer to what I am seeking, but I am pressing ahead nonetheless having an inkling that this is the way.

    I think a lot about meaning and significance of my life goals especially why I run, virtually every time I step out my door. They tie into having a vision and mission statement. Whether I have one explicitly written out or left unsaid, we all have a kind of vision inside that we are driving toward – at least for me. It is important though our implicit or unstated vision should match our stated one.

    If I can summarize my vision, it is to seek the joy in experiencing the world through running in any conditions and anywhere at any time.

    It all started because I was being pointed out that I am exceedingly seeking my own joy over that of other people. Maybe so. I am very zealous of my free time. I was taking aback initially because it was morally not right. Now after thinking through, I don’t feel bad about it any more because we all do so. There is no requirement that we should live our life for other people. It is admirable some do seek for the betterment of others even with the sacrifice of their own. There is a balance somewhere. But each of us have our private goals. I always ask myself what am I willing to give up to obtain such and such.

    I have been running for 5 years. I dived headlong into this obsession. It took all my time. My time away from friends and family and even my former things I like (such as working on the computer, watching anime, and reading a good book). To me though, it is no longer a sacrifice. Initially it might have, but now I am more comfortable and prefer to be out on the roads at every opportunity I have. I enjoy being out on the road alone at night even if it is miserably cold at time. I admit nowaday it is an obsession (and even an unhealthy one). Everything now is measured by how much time I can spend on the course or how many races I am giving up if I do another thing. Races are my currency and language. I eat and breathe running.

    2. Identity. Who do we identify with. I like to be recognized by runners. Ya, he is an ultra runner will bring me joy. Maybe it is a little vanity. In reality whether people give me the recognition or not, I am a runner because of what I do. I don’t care whatever label is attached to me. A question shoyld ask myself is what the ultimate label I want to be identified with.

    3. Purpose. Some people finding having reason why we do something is important. A Mission statement usually give what and why. Say if I am going to Napal “to” climb the mountain, then the reason I am there is to do things I plan to do. Some purposes might be more intrinsic. I travel to see the world and people. My deeper goals usually left unsaid. I run because I feel good afterward. I usually don’t put that explicit reward in my statement. It is assume I am doing it to feel good. I also like to overcome tough challenges. Searching for that deeper reason maybe is beneficial. It could be the purpose will provide meaning too.

    growth. We do stuff hopefully it will change us in the process. Maybe growth is what we are after. Say if I hike across America, what do I hope to accomplish in the end? In the end, we hope to live a life with no regrets.

    time frame. I rush to do things because I feel I don’t have much time left. Each year is busier than the year before. I definitely know my energy is not unlimited. I hope get most things done within the next 10 years or so if I’m lucky. According to my plan, due to money problem, I can’t go out and spurt every single year. It requires being creative in how to budget. But if I take the conventional route, I can affort to do like 2-3 major things within the next 10 years.

    • Running in all 50 states. This is almost for sure
    • Running a 200 mile race. This is almost for sure now. I can see myself attempting it. It is a big potato but not too big
    • 7 continent race. hmm, this could be one of the three things I should do…probably the easiest of the big three
    • AT hike. It would be good if I get to do this. This is likely one of the big three and I am so nervous in pulling this off. This one resonates a lot. If I want to live a life with no regret, this is a must-do!
    • Running across ‘Murica. Definitely will be mind blowing. I can’t wrap my head at this time seeing myself doing this, but if I can have it as one of 3 things to do in my life, this would be it. Mind blowing great to pull this one off. I might want to do it twice (southern route and the northern route. Also the Let’s go South route!
    • Circum navigate/run across the globe. I have to leave now if this ever is a reality! because it takes about 10 years. if I really want to do the unthinkable, this is the one goal.

    An example on identity, the past week, something caused me to think of myself as an athlete. Sure a runner is an athlete but normally, I think of running is a hobby and an activity like walking or birdwatching not as intense as being an athlete. It is low stress and low commitment for me. Athlete to me means another level where people would admire because we want to see the performance and speed and prowness. Seeing myself as an athlete, changes how I train. And training is no longer optional.

    Sometimes we have check how do we identify ourselves. We might be surprised if we change the labels around.

    Long story ahort, is I am crystalizing what I want in life and pursuing after it. Sometimes, it might require making some unpopular choices.

    Not related but I want to tie in this extra part on finance. Unexpectedly my blog post on retirement attached way more traffic than my usual postings. Not sure whether they were bots or real readers. Somehow people like to read or find out how much to save for retirement! I guess it is not a surprise if I really think about it because I have the same question (if not for my privacy concern, I would even share my spreadsheets). Meanwhile, I was referred to another blog on the same topic. It is a very good post and I want to share it (note, usually I don’t post links, but this is an exception). I rather my visitors read this person’s article than mine.

    The author captures the life I want to live. Abandoning a stable job to live a life that is I think is more fulfilling. It is the idea of stop wasting your life away. You have to live your life now. The article has some solid partical tips to ease one’s anxiety concerning retirement. It can be found here – [https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-stop-worrying-about-the-future-and-start-living-your-life-now/]

  • Day460 content

    Expect great things and attempt great things. This is a quote from William Carey, a missionary, I wish to make it my own. I believe all great people have similar bigger than life vision for themselves and what they accomplish seems to us to be on another level.

    I’m no hero, but I have been thinking what can make me feel alive. I like to run, at least currently. I like making money. I am seeking thrill. If it is near having a chance of failure, it would get me excited.

    I have been thinking a lot on a vision/mission statement. At one point last year (and even the year before), I thought I had it. Then during the fourth quarter of last year, it was put to test and it made me doubt if my statement is realistic or practical.

    My original statement is to run is much and in as many places as possible in my life. It has been what I eat and breathe for the last few years.

    It is even my reason for existent. It sustained me when I don’t feel like running.

    There is though a short coming. It did not explain why I run and what it means for other people around me.

    A mission statement should give a purpose and inspiration to self (and others), such as why others should join or support me on my attempt.

    I went back to the drawing board. And I came away with a stronger resolve to attempt harder goals. Running just marathons has been a too narrow focus.

    It reaffirmed me that I definitely will go and do what my heart yearns. Those who know me, know that I have a few big goals in life, center around running 1. to run in all 50 states, 2. to hike the AT/PCT/CDT, and 3. to run across the US, lastly maybe to walk around the world. All these have in common of doing something physically hard. And I have been struggling of putting the dream to reality the last 5-6 years.

    I draw comparison to Pokemon. I am a bit older (at least “of age”) when Pokemon came out, but its motto is “got to catch them all”. The opening theme song sums it all up, I want to be the very best. Ashe wants to learn and train pokemons. Naruto wants to be Hokake. In One Piece, Luffy wants to be a pirate. I want to run.

    Not sure if I wrote about this, but it is likely I already had. Apologize in advance for being repetitive. After 400+ posts, I lost track on what I already posted or not.

    I came across a ytube video from TheStockGuy on about we only have about 300 days in our whole life we get to use it solely for ourselves. What he meant is most of our time from birth to the grave are doing many mundane things that we have not much say but are essential, like going to school or going to work, keeping up our body and doing choirs, eating/sleeping/and even sitting in traffic etc. even empty periods of not doing anything (vegging), and there is very little time left to do that we can use it for our own. His lesson is we should treasure a special time we can spend with our family and maximize that time.

    Most would say wait a minute, we got to have more time than just a year of our life for ourselves. What about when we retire shouldn’t there be plenty of time to do what we like?

    Well I am not sure if his math is correct, but I tend to believe him that we have very short time to do the things that count. We are indeed very “busy” but usually busy for something that in a long term perspective is of little value.

    I’ve heard of one of his examples whether it was from the same video or from another, that when you have the time to do the things you like, the people you want to be with is likely no longer be around. He was talking about spending time with one’s parent. The time and opportunity when both generations overlapped is very few and short. I can relate, that by the time I can travel/run, I might not have the health to so it.

    I’m not a sentimental person and I rarely spend my time with others, being an (or a maybe extreme) introvert. I am though like to think back on things. I tried to count up to 300 instances (this is without even considering whether my family was there) where it has been meaningful in my life, well, not all my life, but since when I started blogging on here. I know I have written 460 posts to-date, and at least some of them are significant or have recorded of a significant event.

    I had my work cut out because I maintain couple special pages like bookmarks, races I ran, and trips I had taken where I could assemble my information. The conclusion is I have a list about 60 things I have done or places I have been in the last 4-5 years. What surprised me is the list is rather short. I was hoping somewhere to maybe around 300.

    The math is probably right. I don’t do anything that exciting for the most part, maybe once a month I go somewhere. It means like 12 times a year, and if over 30-40 years, there maybe 300-400 things done that are noteworthy. This is if you really make that one a month time for yourselves.

    Maybe it is about the mentality. Looking back, even the last five years, if it not for the journaling, I would not have remembered much. I need to make a mental note to make every day special, and every month, and every year too, otherwise, time just goes by and I’ll be sitting here again next year thinking what did I do.

    Related to this is I forgot a lot already even of the things I wrote down. I know the original intent of this journal project is so that I won’t forget as I try to reach my goal of running marathons in all 50 states and other things.

    As you can see, I was not laser-focused in reaching my goal but had meandered through many things. I could blame the pandemic and also the lack of funding, etc. Still, I could have been more focused in deciding what things to do or places to go.

    So what!? Nothing. Life goes on regardless we mindful or not.

    I have no answer to my own question. I normally start the year expecting great things. I looked back the last five years and every year can be said is better than the one before. I am not purely seeking that this year will top or pop the year before, but wouldn’t it great if that happens? What am I expecting? What is different this year?

    I signed up for most of my races already except for maybe two or three left to do, waiting for the registrations to be open (Iron Mnt, Devil Dog, LakeRidge, maybe OGU, and maybe Ann Arbor Marathon). I know like 90% how the year will be like in term of scheduling. It just feels too normal almost like the year prior. In fact since the start of the pandemic every year seems the same.

    As I think about it, this new year indeed did not start with a bang. How can I improve on this.

    OK, to brighten things a bit, my running team for around the world (Craw), had just finished Region 8. We as a team, ran 20000 miles for a year and half, and there are only 4 regions remaining, about 10,000 miles to go. We hope to finish them this year. It is kind of cool.

    I want to leave a note to myself – I have been (or am pressured) trying to seek new things, as streamers call them — for contents/optics, maybe contents for my blog. In a sense too I am seeking contents for my life (not contentment but content) with me as the audience.

    The point is not to seek something outrageous like streamers would do, but something meaningful like sleeping on the back porch one winter night! I did that a few days ago while testing out a sleeping bag during the subzero temperature we had. What the point? Doing some quarky things.

    The blog is too long and I’m tired, so will have to continue on another day. Also I hit a writter block…what it means to be great/doing great things in my own word.

  • Day459 BRR Training Run 1

    I wasn’t even signed up for the BRR – Bull Run Run (50K), but I was at their first training run the past weekend.

    In our area there is a famous Civil War battlefield, actually there are a few, but Bull Run is probably more so because it was Confederate first victory and the Union retreated in disarray in our backyard.

    The race is not about a remembrance on the war or its history at least to my knowledge. It is just a run that happened near the famous battlefield. No race is held on the actual battleground itself (I think that is the National Park’s rule across the nation that forbids running or similar activities in a National Park or on a hallowed ground).

    The BRR will take place along the Bull Run Trail starting from Bull Run Park and along the namesake river. And I think it will be an out and back. I am not familiar with the details because I never got a chance to run it. I think that generally the direction.

    As for the trail, I have been training on it since last year for other races because it is the closest trail to my home, maybe about 4 miles away. To my joy, it is one of those trails that is not being “improved” on. All, if not all our urban trails are paved and widened so they are no longer are natural trails any more. I understand doing so allow greater access, but it takes away the joy of those who like the tough terrains. This one Bull Run Trail still has dirt and mud and all the nasty stuff (and feels authentic) and it is quite long (as least long enough for a 50K) and out of the way of development, so it gives the feel of being in the wild. Occasionally, we do see some houses or bridges.

    I have been eyeing and wanting to run the BRR (the race) when I first was interested in ultra/trail running, but the race is usually full by the time I find out about the sign up. As so, this year, I heard it is sold out. I have never gotten a spot. Also, back then I was nervous about doing it too and usually don’t pay a closer attention to the sign up date, because I think it was outside of my ability (I hadn’t run a 50K then). Now, my perspective has changed, after all I could run a 100k or more. I am no longer scared of a 50K. But BRR now has less a draw on me.

    I happened to saw their training run announced on Facebook, and no sign up was necessary. I jumped at the chance to run it with my local runners. A training run is almost like the real deal.

    My scheduling worked out. My other race, the Waterfall 50K was canceled for a 2nd time (a bit of a disappointment) but it opened up my Saturday.

    We had probably one of the coldest day this winter this Saturday. People said it was 16F but I think it was around 9F (-12C) when I started the run. The cold just sucked all the heat from me. I don’t remember if ever I was outside when it is this cold. Luckily it was not windy. I started at the trailhead near my home and ran to the training rally point, about 5 miles downstream. We were to meet at the Hemlock Overlook.

    I overestimated myself and did not arrive to the training place on time. Also initially I thought it was only 4 miles. I was dragging my feet somewhat in getting out the house, due to the cold, and I wanted to make sure I had everything for the day. Luckily another runner was also late. She came from Baltimore and had trouble finding parking. The group had left before she was ready. I ran with her till we caught the tailend of the group. It was good to have a companion.

    She ran at a much faster pace than I could keep up, so by 10 mile in, I needed a break, when we happened to be back at where my car was. Unbeknown to me the aid station was only maybe 3 miles further. I stopped at my car to change out my clothes and pants and lubed up. My shirts were soaked and the sweat on my hair was frozen. It was that cold. I got some rub burn I had to take care of – usually is the case when the clothes are wet. I felt better after changing and I ate some bread I had in the car.

    I caught back up with my new friend since she and her group stopped for a toilet break. On the way back, we stuck with her new group. Later though, one of the ladies was moving much slower, so I slowed down too and stayed with her. I became the group sweeper (meaning being last person). We got back to Hemlock and other people were waiting for us. We somehow took a longer route back (1.5 miles longer).

    My run continued into the afternoon because I wanted to add more miles. The day warmed up to 32. The ice on the ground melted and the trail became slushy and muddy. I finished with 27 miles. I originally intended to do a 50K (31 mi), but toward near the end I was low in energy and since it was not a race, there was no point to grind out another 4 miles to get the bragging right.

    Experience: I would say I enjoyed the training run maybe even more than if I run in the race itself. We had good support. People were nice. Even toward the end of the day, I was still meeting a few stragglers. Some started even later than me. I think it was special to bring out a bunch of ultra runners and it felt like a race day.

    I was not training for BRR since I did not secure a spot in the race. No one minded. The thing is we could just show up and do the training. I felt good to gather with other runners. I noted this is my first social run since the start of the pandemic.

    Note for self. I met an older lady during the BRR-TR who has done the MMT 100. Her advice to me is do all their training runs – especially the Chocolate Bunny (around Easter I think), which is a midnight run on the mountain. I think it is something I’ll be looking forward to do. This is important because from now on, all my trainings will focus toward the MMT.

  • Day458 big goal / maybe day 3 of the new year?

    This is probably a conclusion to the 3 day series of what I want to do this year. I struggled with motivation in the past and it hits hard especially after running a tough race. The last quarter of 2021, I literally gave up on my training. There were many reasons to why but one main one was finding the joy doing what I like to do.

    Usually though if I forced myself to go out and run, I would feel extremely good afterward. This was how I restarted my training this year. Running in itself is not a problem but starting off is.

    On a very cold night, it was near midnight, I haven’t run during the day though knowing I should. Usually, when I about to run, there are countless reasons of why I shouldn’t, like it is cold, I’m hungry, it is dark, it is late, I feel tired, I have better thing to do, or I like to veg and do nothing, etc. They are valid reasons too. I could either go to bed and wait till the next day. With me, if I stop, the next day becomes another day and I know I won’t get started. So I went out and finished the run around 2 in the morning especially on the night deemed the coldest night of this winter.

    I felt very good afterward. Exhilarating good. Good thing is I think the next day was either a weekend or a holiday. But I got my run in.

    This past week was mostly like that. I got home from work and though I did not want to go out but somehow I did. I did my run. It has been sort of consistent. One day run and one day rest and another day run.

    I came across during the last few weeks on how to find motivation from others (streamers). I took my inspiration from them because many times I see them doing seemingly no-end-toiling especially musicians and artists when they did their “performance” and no one gives a hoot. I was wondering if it even worths their time. Yet the answer is they enjoy what they are doing. So doing a 4 hour stream is not much a drag. In fact they are thrilled if even one person out there appreciates their work.

    Every time when I go out for a long run (2-3 hours) I think of them. Granted running 4 hours vs sitting at a desk for 4 hours requires much more energy. But I think the main thing I struggle with is not the energy but the will and desire. Seeing other professionals (streamers) doing it helps my mindset. When I get to that state, it becomes timeless and time does not matter and I could run till daybreak. The feeling that comes after is undescribeable. Yes, it is like breaking a dam. Though with my training, I try to control that dam and not break it until race day.

    On a bigger goal – I looked at my to-do bucket list, many of the items I am no longer as enthusiastic today to do them as when I first put them on my list. For example, I wanted to run in all fifty states in the US. A few years ago, it seemed so hard and impossible but now it is doable and I could theorectically finish it in a year or two in one big tour. I feel like it is such a drag out goal to only do a race or two at a time. I don’t know whether the challenge is no longer there or something deeper. I wanted to feel that initial excitement not knowing the endpoint but thrill to take them on.

    How to have a fulfilling life someone asked? I usually have no problem in finding meaning in my life. I think the answer though can help me find reason to tackle my to-do list. Someone said to have a fulfilling life is finding that something that resonates inside.

    Another person said, the key is constantly seeking something more challenging than what was done before.

    Initially, I ran a marathon because it was death-fearing (freaking) hard! I am a wimp – I think everything is impossibly hard. But now I did it, a marathon is still hard but it is no longer that line that keeps me “normal” and the other side, the scary unknown. I think, in order to keep the passion, is not just to run another marathon or 50 marathons. I have to seek something beyond that at a whole next level. I sound like an addict.

    I think what tired me out is doing relatively the same thing over. In the mind, I feel I get a handle of things. In order to do something exciting, I have to step out to the unknown. Often for me, it means something more dangerous.

    I’m not sure if that makes me a thrill seeker. I had step into the ultra marathon stage now, having done two last year. Looking back they were not that hard, they just need training and anyone can do it. So I have been flirting with the 200 mile race as well as running across the continent. I want a goal so big that I look at it, no way I can do that.

    Back to earth, I did some house keeping (boring task) with my races, by signing up, cleaning up my race schedule, etc. I set my sight on running the Blackbeard 100 miler in 2023. This race has been on my radar since it first announced a few years ago and I have been following it. At the time, it was completely out of my league, but now I think I can do it.

    The future is unknown. I wish I have a clear vision how I can get from here to there. Until next week then…life goes on meanwhile.

    oh, about the Waterfall 50K, it was canceled/postponed till next week because of snow in our area…it could have gone on, but no one likes being in the news of 100 runners and volunteers stuck/lost on the mountain and requiring rescue. The RD canceled it ahead of time.

  • Day457.9 WTF again

    Got to share…and can’t wait till next week or the next day. I just got accepted into the WTF race (waterfall 50K, waterfall is the nickname I think). The race is next weekend.

    Telling you guys, this race is old school. They don’t let you know until almost the day of. But it is free! Nothing beat a free ultra. You just got to be ready to run in any condition and at any time…

    Zippy! lets go…I did some training in the snow and ice today because we had a snow storm of the century the past week.

    I think I am ready to run up and down the 1000 ft frozen waterfall. I was there exactly a year ago when the race was canceled and treaded through ice and freezing river – A scary race. Icy and slippery rocks is no fun. frostbite and wet feet is real…ah let not think about it or else I might back out.

  • Day457 New year Day 2

    New Year Resolutions / What I want for Christmas

    Time goes by so fast. Couple months ago, I was training life-and-death for my biggest race at the time. I was in a rock and a hard place…due to many things coming together at the same time. Of course, I could just walk away and not run it. But the thought though was I’d rather run and suffer (or die trying) than not running it. Indeed it could have been bad.

    I did come away with a bit of pain. I am not sure if my legs would ever recover – at least any time soon without going through PT sessions.

    I was always a bit psychotic – extreme so to speak. I had to look up. Yes, I think I am a bit crazy. Now I am sitting in the comfy of my home, and happy I did it. There were so much happened between then. I did several other races. Wrote up reports on those.

    Every year between October to December, I lumped these months into one giant blob.

    I never really get around to asking what I want for Christmas. This year, it was a new computer. I reached a lot of personal goals. Yes, a lot of the goals were limited by my financial condition…like buying a fast bike. I held that off for a few years because money was not there. This year I actually could affort it finally! However, I did not go and purchase it, because I haven’t biked for nearly two years.

    For those who know me, I shop around a lot exploring all options, but in the end I usually don’t get anything (due to cost). Window shopping is my thing.

    I didn’t buy my bike or the computer. That was a long digression. Kinda. I had enough time to think on what I want, no not just the computer by something bigger.

    Resolution:

    1. run more. Run first thing in the morning
    2. run faster. 4:15 marathon…is that faster than last year?
    3. run farther
    4. run longer
    5. be more organized

    My resolution is different from last year or the year before. I am circling around the topic. Actually I wanted to have a blog post on identity.

    After 5 years of running, and in my 6th year now, my identity is tied to my running. If anything, I want to be identify as one who runs. Maybe now it is time for a rebranding: to man who travels.

    I actually don’t want to announce my goals or resolutions. Firstly, I read, once you announce your goals, it is twice as hard in getting them done because there is ton of blockers, trying to derail your plan. Second, I have not worked out the details. Third, I am a bit shy to share my goals to the world.

    My mom recent illness really helped me to clarify if I really want to pursuit my goals. During that time, I have been called selfish. It hit hard but I came away accepting the label. I am willing to achieve my goals above all else. My mom did not really get mad at me but she did mention later that my goal has to be balanced out with the needs of those around me. The answer is definitely yes I want to go for crazier goal in view of all that happened. TL;DR…I thought running 100 miles was crazy, I am ready for crazier thing.

    I might have flirted with the idea of hiking the appalachian trail or running across America or even traveling around the world. I have been and still is pushing it toward some distance future. What I want to say is, it is a step closer to reality today than six months ago.

    The issue has been how crazy can I get to do it. Now I think I am crazy enough to go for it. Why I am saying it is crazy? Because it requires a step of faith — like the bibical Abraham to leave his father’s house and go to a country he knew not. I am no Abraham. I don’t hear voices telling me to leave, but I am more convicted to leave now than six months ago.

    My biggest hold is and has been safety (financial security) at where I am now and it will definitely will scale if I don’t do anything crazy.

    The idea always have been make enough money then leave. It is the concept called Financial Independent F* Money. At least to have a way so I can come back and still have a job or some way to earn a living (like video blogging). It is always down to money, right? If we have enough money then we don’t have to work. I did some calculation – the only way I don’t have to work is when I retire at old age. I don’t have enough now to retire early. So basically I can’t do it in a conventional sense. For most people, the story ends here. Only way is to be unconventionally. Luckily, there are a few people who did just that and I can follow their footsteps (e.g. Cycling Jin – UniverseWithMe, who biked around the world the last 7-8 years and started out with literally nothing).

    I guess the biggest hurdle is always trying to convince myself.

    Have I mentioned before? I am thinking of retiring to a different country to a place that has a lower cost of living. How is this related? Well I plan to use the years remaining to visit those countries I plan to retire to. I have not fully thought out the idea yet, but yes there are a few youtube channels on this topic. Not trying to convince any one else or whether it is smart. It is something I want to do.

  • Day456 A new year

    A new year is a new beginning. Yes Day 1.

    I will eventually reset my blog to Day 1 maybe some day. Actually to those who didn’t know I have done so like 5 or 6 times already — not for this blog here but on 5-6 previous journals usually after about 500 ish days, I started to lose track and would restart. It is kind of my thing to see how long I can keep it up. It is not important to my readers to know.

    My new year has been quiet. Last year, … I don’t remember what I did. Usually, I think I go hiking or do a new year day race. I did not race this year. I slept in. Also usually on new year, I sign up for races. There were many races usually open after new year. I did not do so this year. Today I checked. Many races already had a waiting list — like the Rim to River 100 miler, which I kind of want to redo it, had over 100 people on its waiting list! If there is a race you really want to do, you have to set an alarm and sign up the moment the open. I am not one of those who like to be on a waiting list.

    Compare to last year, this year I did not have much momey on hand. Not that I did not do well, I did. I think I made more money than I ever did! The S&P had a whooping 27% increase — too bad I got in only at the end of the summer, so I got about half of that windfall. This is like closing your eyes and randomly throwing a dart and it hit the bulleye. I know, not the best way to do with your money. That is how I feel about the stock market. I opened another retirement account after watching a Youtuber talked about it (Graham Stephan). I also increased my contribution to my work retirement plan, so I have very little liquid cash on hand at the moment. So I am too poor to sign up for races.

    This brought me to topic I want to share. Nothing important like my running. In fact I celebrated Christmas and New Year by watching youtube and twitch. Youtube has been around for a long time and it has changed over the year. At one point, it was a best place to watch movies, but now they really has shut off all the illegal uploads. At one point it was my go to place for music and that too has been no good now since they want people to pay for their youtube music.

    What youtube for me now is live content and video premiers. Live content can be VOD (video on demand) from a streamer. I mean it is unedited videos – first hand POV video (point of view). Yes it is just as much as a time sink as any other media.

    Over this pademic I have grown to enjoy a dozen or so streamers. I wish I could list all of them here. I mostly enjoy artists – the art kind and also musicians. I started watching I believe in spring 2020. As now another year passed, many of the original people I followed had moved onto some other things.

    Many have returned back to their real world job. Streaming cannot support them full time. Only a few made it to the top. For many, it was not worth it. Still there are many small time streamers, and they do it because they enjoy in what they are doing.

    What I am trying to get at is life moves on. In a sense I am happy for them but it is also a lost to their “community” they established when they are no longer there.

    One of the streamers I watched, Technoblade, a youtuber, and considered as one of the best minecraft players, brought me sad news. Over the new years eve, he finally reached 10 million subscribers on his channel. It was a goal he set when he was 13 — that he wanted to be a youtuber and to reach 10 mil viewers/subscribers. That was a good news, but I also learned just a few days prior (though the news was out since end of summer) that he was diagnosed with cancer. They almost amputated his right arm during fall. He had not upload much. He still made a joke that he would not able to clap his hands when he reached 10 million. He did. Not sure now how his future in gaming be like. He is indeed entertaining just by listening to him talking, so he might be switching to something new in the future.

    I could go on and on how I got plugged into these communities. I don’t know much about them except their user id or their stream name, yet I felt connected to them with the stories of their life they shared to their viewers. Each of them are different, yet special.

    It reminds me I am not too different. In a sense, I am doing something similar. I am telling my story. I have my angle. I hope though I will be around for a while. Happy new year to all.

  • Day455 spontaneous

    Training has been hard…hard to get start again.

    Only way to be good at running/anything is to keep on training. The moment we stop training our body and muscles started to decline.

    I know all that.

    For me, there is never a good time to train. There is always something comes up and interferes.

    Only way to do it is to have it the first thing in the day before anything else. It means prioritizing.

    Or if not the first thing, willing to have it be the last thing before going to bed. Willing to do it no matter how tiring.

    Or have it in the planner. Set a time aside to have the run. It means to stick to the schedule. I used to follow the rule: no run means no dinner. This forces me to run early. Becuase we got to eat.

    I am mostly a night time trainerbecause that is when I have time. After all the work and a long day, getting myself out to run no question is hard. I forced myself out the door last week. At least I did it for two nights, Monday and Wednesday. One was near 2 am in the morning.

    It seemed harsh to train in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep, but I find myself feeling most free. There is a joy that I did not want to stop once started.

    It brought back my memory of my 100 mile race. Yes night time was the hardest time in the race, yet also the most peaceful to run. It was just you and the path without any distraction. All the scenery, cloud, tree, and even the path disappear. It is the lacking of sight that makes me really like night running.

    I only ran a total of 9 miles last week but the two evening runs were ones I enjoyed.

    I miss doing spontaneous run! It might have be guilted into it because I haven’t run for so long. Yet, not really feeling guilty once I started running.