I have been searching for a goal for this year. I am mixing the word goal, resolution, mission statement together here. I know they mean different thing and serve a purpose if they are treated separately.
Before the COVID19 epidemic, I was going through the motion with my runs. I had a plan or a set of plans to run my races. I find my ‘life’ and fulfilment through running, specifically in racing. I scheduled a bunch of them that should each build on top of one after another to get me to my big finale, the goal race in June. I thought I was on track. Things were set into motion. I have been doing this for the last 3 years. What could go wrong? You don’t need a plan when you are on autopilot.
COVID19 is a big hiccup in my plan though. 4 of 5 of my races were canceled. Yes all but one. I haven’t run or do the training on my own much since then. Tailspining still reeling from this. All my plans have gone out the window. Yes, I was caught unprepared. Dealing with the emotions from all this too. I experienced rage and depression – some say is the same thing on both sides of the coin. I was dealing with those. A dream crushed. An impossibility. madness. I experienced on some level the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and hopefully acceptance. We really have to call it out for what it is, so as to better cope with it.
While it is easy to just say do what you got to do, it is not. Not sure how I can ovetcome it. One way is to look at what do I really want.
Since the new year, I have been looking for something more for this year. It has been just a habit of mine to set a goal (resolution) for the year. I have been doing it for the last few years. I have trying to push myself to a new level.
The underlining theme is change and a change that leads to a transformation. I am no longer the same and I don’t want to be the same. Sometimes I just like the attention changes bring. But truly I want the good chamge. I seek changes because I am facing my limitation, inadequacy and maybe even something seriously wrong with me. I can’t stay like this any more or remain what I am now. It is the survival instinct to get out. Urgency to be different. Changes is needed to rise up to the challenge.
What I like to do is from time write/list out some of the things that give me joy (posted here), things like running in the rain, going camping in the dead of winter, or just taking a cold shower on a hot day. hmm. I see a pattern here with all being involve with wet and cold. I also like to make bucket lists (posted). What one thing I want to do before I die, I would ask myself. Of course to run in all fifty states for one. Many are frivolous and probably I won’t miss much if I don’t do them but some are really what I am passionate about, like run a 100 mile race, run across the US, hike the Appalachian Trail, and stuff like that. There are couple guys I followed on Youtube who have done or are doing some of the things I mentioned. They are ones for inspiration (Kerryward-fulltiltward is one).
Yet this few weeks, when I am in need of motivation, my list of things to do, did not provide me the uplifting I was looking for. They seem to be a scatter sort of disjointed things. Nor the heroes I look up to. They do say motivation got to come from within.
What dawn on me…ah maybe again from listening to Governor Cuomo briefing each day, while there is no one else to listen for inspiration since I can’t go to church any more at this time. As I mentioned somewhere, I like to listen to my pastor preaching (his live sermon) because he usually brings things to my mind that would make me think and get me going.
So Gov Cuomo said, we trying to do the achievable goals in NY, not his exact wording. He was explaining where he got the numbers of COVID ICU beds he will need at the peak of the epidemic. He said there are models out there used for the projection, some give a high number of beds what they will need and some the low numbers. New York will aim for somewhere in the middle. Because he knows if they shoot for the high model, it would be just an impossibilty to do, more like wishful thinking. We all try to reach a realistic and achievable goal. And it has to be within a specific time frame. He also said we don’t need the beds or ventilators two months from now. We need them now at the apex.
I do dream big. But sometimes I have to ground myself in reality. Like I can’t plan my yearly race expenses like I am a millionaire. I am not. That would be insane and unrealistic. Yet, there are goals that are hard, and might not be reachable at this point in time, but I can still see myself working toward it.
I want to work toward running in all 50 states and it is an achievable goal. Running across the US though is a bit unrealistic at this point in time. Running a 100 miles is hard but I can see myself doing it.
I am ending this blog post without finding that one goal that will get me going. Maybe I am thinking too hard on this mission statement. Maybe next time. It was a good brainstorming session.