Day385

closure maybe.

Being alive meaning having ambition and drive. I can do this and that. I have a trip this weekend and a race next week. I also have work to do before I leave. Work work. Company stuff. My mind immediately returned to reality after the burial of my grandmother. I took the day off but I could work too if I wanted to. That to me a different being alive and dead. We have our worries.

But for the last few days I have been lack of motivation to run. Not sure why. I am healthy and all. Just nothing there.

I was not there when grandmother’s passed on. I could have been there. I was only couple miles away. I had the feeling and prompting the night before. Anyway. What’s done is done. She has passed on. I have a kind of phobia for sickness and death.

We had a funeral yesterday. It was outdoor and we had two ministers with us. The rest who came were all family members. There were 25 of us. Plus a photographer/translator – a family’s friend. The service was conducted in chinese but translated to English for the youngers (us) who are not chinese proficient (plus a few of us or our spouses are not even chinese).

There is no profound truth about this whole death business as I spent the last week reflecting on it. We all will die one day. A good funeral is someone will remember you. My grandmother had a good and simple ceremony. There was not too emotional shown as we all know – she is indeed in a better place. She has been suffering with poor health for as long as I could remember 20+ years maybe? Death is a relief and she was shown mercy to have apparently a painless death.

We had the service. I am glad for Covid because we were restricted to only 25 people or else we would have the whole church there (200+). It was intimate. I hate crowd. But if I am dead, I won’t care what people say about me, whether good or bad. There was no eulogy given at my grandmother’s funeral — I think we were saving it for a memorial service that will take place at a later time due the covid pandemic happening now. Our service, everything included the burial was restricted to one hour. We stayed for two.

It was mainly for us who are living to reflect on the meaning of life and to go through the grieving process when the person you love is no more with you. It is an emptiness. My mom was saying even their dog senses grandma was no longer with them. The dog is moody.

2. It costs money. Our family through this had made arrangement on their own burial. It was a pratical decision and nothing morbid about it. I think we have like 6-8 burial plots. Those who are 60 and older did it. I don’t have my plot of land yet. They do not want to place much burden on their children.

3. I was thinking I have a lot of things and loose ends so to speak. If I die like suddenly or even if I have a week or two of advance notice like my grandmother did, still it is not enough time to get my crap together. No clue what it means to get ready for death. My grandmother did not have much but they have spent days going over her medications (now can be safely discarded) and her tons of papers and documents. They have been managing her affair but still, she has left behind tons of those.

Sad, when I heard of how my grandmother passed away. It was cheerful but sad. She was surrounded by family (night before and also at the moment of). Always someone was with her. However, the last two weeks, we could see she was growing weaker and her life was epping away. She slept and was not able to wake up. She was fully conscious probably to the moment of. Her breath became shallower and then stopped. We already arranged for hopice care so there wouldn’t be resusciatation. Her eyes were wet when family called her. We were almost certain she was gone. It could be just the brain auto-function when processing the sound. Yes, we did call the doctor who came and pronounced her dead. There was no struggle with her. They had everything ready though if need be – morphine and all kind of pain/muscle relaxant medications. She did not need any, except for one that clear the phlegm in her throat. She died peacefully. I wouldn’t able to stand watch the last moment struggle. Yet it was still sad to see that the life flowed out of a body.

4. Memorial. Death is laying down toils and suffering of this life and (hopefully) we go on to a better place. I guess this is the same message at all memorial services. We will be reunited with her there.

We sang traditional Amazing Grace. Not so much the words by the familar melody was comforting. I couldn’t even aware of what I was singing. I tried but the words did not register to brain. It was just blah, blah, blah. The next song In the Land By and By was more meaningful. There is a land where sorrow is no more when we wake up. Same the third song for closing was Because He Lives and empty grave is there to prove pretty much echoing the same message.

How to close this entry? We think of legacy. Will. Transfer of assets and heritage. Our family does not have much tangible items. What my grandmother left behind was her love, her strength, characters, and her faith. She has lived 87 years. It begs the question, what do we leave behind for others. Currently we (or me, really) don’t really care and do not think a lot about. The sad truth is I have nothing much. Maybe this blog. Sorry if this puts a damper to your day. Need content. clout. subscribe. 🙂

By Antin

There is nothing more I like than to run, hike, and be with one I love