In awe

Wow these were news that hit home on the day I got back from Sydney. The Baltimore bridge is no longer there. I am not sentimentally attached to it, being on it maybe once or twice in my life  but seeing it on the news the next day, was a OMG, what just happened. Those who watched the news knew all about it already. I won’t add more here.

A much bigger and personal news was my beloved mountain MMT is on fire. Not sure if it was accidental or part of a controled burn, but MMT (Massanuttan Mountain) has several wild fires raging from north to south. Before I went on my trip, I heard the forest service was trying to do a controlled burn on one of the peaks, maybe it went out of control. MMT training run No. 3 was rerouted due to it.  Basically, we have to stay away the whole area for now. Meaning, the Chocolate Bunny run (Easter midnight/sunrise celebration, MMT training run) was canceled.

There is a possibility the MMT race itself too might get canceled. We are standing by, once the fire is put out, and a call for trail maintenance put forth, we would fix up the trail for the race. It might be a tall task. OD100 sent out their assessment that their race will still be held since the burn area doesn’t affect their course. OD100 and MMT100 do share a similar course. MMT100 though mostly is on the MMT trail and does go through the fire area. I will be running in both events.

Instead of the Chocolate Bunny Run, I was invited to join the CAT runners (Charlottesville Area Trail) for their weekend run. I always want to run on the Priest and Three Ridges, having hiked and backpacked there many years ago (when I was 18) long before I was into trail running. It was be good to go back and see how things have changed. 

Initially, I wanted to write about it, but there was very little to share. My heart about the run was not in it. I got off work, packed, then went to the trailhead. It was a three hour drive. I got there around 2:30 am, which was perfect for me since I was still suffering insomnia from jetlag. Morning was night and night was morning to my body.

I was not sure where to park my car. The lot seemed small and full. I pulled into a space I found. Everything was quiet. I walked and hiked up a bit on the trail and then found a place to pee. I decided not to wander too far in case I might get lost, so I headed back to the car. I set alarm to wake me up later. About 5:30 other people arrived. Somehow everyone managed to fit their cars into the small lot. We ran. We finished pretty early. It was only 20-ish miles. I wanted a 30 mile day but I needed to use the restroom again, so I did not continue for climbing the Priest a second time as some of them did (it was a hill repeat day, 7000 ft) but went into town for food and to rest.

Afterward, I felt the Wild Oak Course would be a good follow up to the Priest since I didn’t want to do another loop at the Priest. The Wild Oak Trail was only an hour away and my favorite place to be. I celebrated Easter there (by tuning in to a church in Sydney). The night passed quietly, with a storm came at midnight but I slept through it.  The morning came. I wanted to start early so I could finish the run early, however, my legs were more tired than I anticipated.

After hiking up for a mile, I decided to trust my instinct to go back to my car. Wild Oak course would be a 20-mile loop (I was thinking of skipping Big Bald, and using the road to Camp Todd; this was Grindstone 100 training loop). I had a nagging feeling that it might not be a good idea to hike Wild Oak at this time. The good feeling was not there. Usually my gut feeling is right, and I told myself to trust it.  Nothing bad happened to me but I met a fisherman who said a tree has fallen over the main road and blocking access into deeper in the park. I felt better when I decided turn back. I was able to leave since I parked outside of it.

I am writing this because, normally, I like doing a big run. The day before, while the run was hard, I felt it was not enough. The next day, the run on Grindstone was supposed to be hard, but I did not have the mental prepareness to handle it. So, I canceled it. So I felt the trip was unfulfilling as I was leaving.

While driving back home, I stopped at Ashby Gap near Sky Meadow State Park, which was much closer to home and finished my 10 mile hike/run on the AT, by visited the Wiskey Hollow shelter. Someone wrote in the Logbook there “Happy Easter.”  I doubted they stayed there for the night. The hike on the AT felt very good. I guess I wanted to see people on the trail and Sky Meadow area was a better choice compares to the Wild Oak Trail. I still got a significant hill workout. The AT is never easy.

I have been trying to get back into my normal routine now I am back home. The marathon I did in Taiwan was such a high point, now everything else seems so normal. I have been asking myself what to do next. I do know what I wanted to do. I have a huge to-do bucket list, but none of the items seems inspiring at the moment. They were when I made them.

I want to feel goals with urgency. I want to do everything. Feed the fire.

Seven years ago, running in all 50 states seemed like a good goal, maybe because it was eternal or impossible to me at the time. Now, it is just tedious. Should I continue? I concluded, yes, as long as I still enjoy running marathons. And I do enjoy.

I am reading Into the Wild, and that kind of life excites me, it was a short one, but it fully embraced the ethos of pursuing ones ideal, and not many people live like that — walking the walk to the point of foolhardy  — he chose to go to Alaska during a winter with insufficient provisions and so ended being trapped and dying there, which might be too simplistic an explanation; surely he must have known the consequences and I am sure he did not want to die. My running is like that. I want something that I feel worth living for and worth the pursuit.

I need to do some soulsearching to find out what I really want. (Hint, a podcast I am listening, said try to ask yourself the 5 Why deep question, like why do I like running?, If my response is I feel good while doing it, then the next level, why does it makes it feel good. So usually by 5th level, you get to the motivation)