In awe

Category: Uncategorized

  • [627] My two cents

    I went and ran the Toronto Marathon last year. I already did my race report, but coming across another person’s report just brought back all the negativities about this race. 

    It was one of worst marathon experiences I had due to it being “disorganized” and we runners were blamed of causing it to go out of control (being mob ruled). I only had couple bad ones but none was at this level of failure as the Toronto Marathon. I guess that was one improvement that no one was being trampled and there’s no more stealing of supplies. Everything else though was still the same.

    The organizer vowed to do better.  And guess what?  This year is as chaotic as last year or maybe even worse, with many similar problems, such as traffic, the course crossing over on itself, several events mixing in, finish line mayhem, post race chaos (of not water or food given, the illogical setup of making runners enter a “small” building for food).

    And again, the organizer came out to apologize. Luckily, I am not running it again.

    Lack of bathrooms – was not a new issue.  We went into the mall too to use the facility.

    Buses – what. I didn’t know they had buses. Oh yeah, I did not ride them. I was lucky to be dropped off

    Traffic arriving at the start. Not a new issue. But many running it first time might need a bit of guidance to arrive early.  This could have communicated better to tell runners the time they needed to get to the start. When 10-20 thousand cars showing up at a place at a given time, there’s bound to be heavy traffic.

    My year when I ran it was not the first year they had issues. I read reviews prior doing the race, and heard about them. I ignored it at the time thinking there always will be complaints.  But when it is year after year, and the community at large is frustrated by it, something needs to change. Toronto is not the only big city that has a marathon. This stuff can be solved.

    When are they gonna learned. And why the city continues to issue them the permits to host such a race just baffled me.

    a race report (not mine) [https://runningmagazine.ca/the-scene/the-toronto-marathon-a-series-of-unfortunate-events/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR1pV3DM6dIAZfLMHNhFaO0NfTBvShpGUjcv_q-2Fm8y4gLAQ3LMquJP3lg_aem_AfpjT0YwcI8t2_5uHpDEgneQW6hvtGffOTMROpTUTMUXaJGNLfwD6mw0WExS3FA5a1w96OFSQ1nVnGxcUron2vZ7]

  • [Day593] News flash

    to blogosphere, there is no time for a long write up. I got picked in the Western States Lottery yesterday! It is an incredible honor. I am excited beyond words.

    Western States is like the Olympic for trail runners. It is America oldest 100 mile race.

  • MMT pre race [Day556]

    I have been a bit emotional as I stepped back on the MMT course the second time. I was not mad or disappointed the last time when I did not finish. I know I tried my hardest at the time. It is satisfying to be able to try it again.

    I have been giddy all year looking forward to this. I have done plenty of training runs. January, February, March, and April. Now finally it is time for the real deal.

    I know what to expect this second time around. I packed my drop bags, 10 of them for 9 dropbag stations (one station, Gap Creek we will pass by twice (there are total 15 aid stations)).

    I spent whole Thursday night preparing. I did not sleep until 3 AM. I finished packing by 1 AM actually, but by then I was not sleepy. I know I need all the rest I can get. It probably pre race anxiety. Some runners go for med to put the body out for the night.

    Friday. after work I drove to camp. It was exactly like last year. I was caught in the DC area traffic, but I used the Toll Road to bypass all the local traffic. Got to camp in time for the checking and dinner, but I missed the race briefing.

    I met a new friend Zheng. This is his first year running the MMT. He was the sweeper of the last miles last year. Apparently I didn’t see him in the last year race. I know I was one of the last few on the course.

    After dinner, I handed over my drop bags. They will be transported to various aid stations along the course the next day and will be available when I get there. I packed food, clothes, shoes, lubricant, wipes and various stuff. The race provides food, but sometimes it can get so crowded around the aid stations and there is no time to eat. Also the food the race provided many times would not be sufficient. As a runner, we learn to bring our own. The race provided food is supplemental only. I learned this the hard way last year. It is not that their food is not good or deficient, but that their purpose is to feed a lot of people in shortest amount of time, so it means to keep portions super small (finger food). The solution is to get a doggie bag and fill it up!

    The night settled in. I slept in the back of my car. It is a perfect day to sleep under the stars. I brought a tent but too lazy to set it up (and to put in away the next morning). I just climbed on the back of my truck, laid down some yoga mats and blankets and crawled in.

    I set an alarm for tomorow 4 AM. I made sure it is AM and not PM. Actually my watch is on military time this year so I will not mess up on the AM/PM thing. Last year, I messed up somehow and my alarm did not go off because I set it to PM. I almost missed the race. It was at the last moment I woke up in time and ran to the start line, which was only few hundred yards away.

    I had everything ready this year. Even if I missed my alarm, as long as I could wake up, I could run any time. My hydration pack is filled. My shoes are right next to me. I dressed in the clothes I will be running in and I am sleeping in them. They will be the same set for the next couple days.

    There are some annoying bugs. They don’t bite but they are crawling on me and are making me itchy. Soon I will get under my blacket and ignore the bugs.

    It got colder at night. Of course the night dew too made things wet. I had a tarp on top of my sleeping bag so it kept my blankets and sleeping bag dry.

    As you can see, I didn’t sleep too well. I checked my alarm every hour. Volunteers came a bit before 4 (maybe 3:30). A few early birds showed up and parking people were directing them how/where to park. I was awaken by then.

    I didn’t feel groggy. It is race day. I am exicited. Race report will be continued in a later post. (This post was written before I felt asleep and added the morning bit subsequently)

  • Day512 long format runs

    I was just thinking while showering, why I run 100 miles.

    This has been explored before. I can’t think of the post and too lazy to search, but I am sure I talked/wrote about this probably in one of my race reports, e.g. SM-2021. Intetestingly, here now on the eve of another Stone Mill Run, I reflect on why I’m doing this.

    I reread all my 100 mi race reports, and I didn’t mention it. Maybe it was assumed I know why I wanted to run long races before even signing up those big races. So here is it why I want to do them, kind of a summary.

    For the challenge. I like running long races because they are hard. Maybe I feel happy when I overcome them.

    Marathons no longer give me the same challenge like a 100 mile race does because with the time given in a marathon usually ranges from 6.5 hours to 7 hours, I can finish it without any worries. I run a marathon between 4.5-5 hours. Only on a very bad day do I need 5.5 hours. The chance of where I don’t finish is pretty small. So far, my record is perfect.

    I moved onto 50K and I ran 50 milers hoping they would be harder. They are a bit harder but 99% of the time, I would finish those just like I would for marathons.

    50K, I can run a 50K between 6-8 hours. My average is usually 7 hours. My most recent one on a moderately hard trail took me 8:45 hours and I finished just within the 9 hr cutoff, and that was an exception. I think most races give about 7-8 hours.

    Fifty mile runs are much harder. I have done about 5-6 of these, I am confident I could finish any of them. Not as much of a leeway as a marathon, but I have not had any 50 miler killing me unless it was the very first one. Running the distance is not a problem for me. I finish them usually between 12-13 hours. I did not finish a recent one (Iron Mountain) because the time limit was only 12 hours, but I was very close in getting it. I was 20 minutes late. Most 50 milers I did, gave about 13 hours. I think that is the norm. As you see, I am pushing against the cutoff but usually I could do it.

    I conclude that I could do a marathon or any distances up to 50 miles at any time. I could do them week after week without feeling too exhausting.

    I generally don’t run two races within a given weekend, but I did it before, a marathon on Saturday and another on Sunday.

    That is the reason, I want to attempt even longer distance, something that I can feel fear when I go into it. I mean I still get jittery when I do a marathon, but now about those 100 mile races, they are what I find challenging.

    A 100 mile run gives the feel of desperation because the likelihood of failure increases many times over. It is weird to say this, but I want to feel afraid of a race. If you ask me about MMT, yes that race scares the living shadow out of me. I wasn’t afraid at the time, but now if you ask me if I am ready to do it again, I would have to pause, and say, let me think about that. Because the chance of not finishing is real.

    There is the dread going into a race knowing likely you won’t make it out in time.

    To-date, I only completed 2 one-hundred-mile races out of 5 attempts (GSER 1 &2, RockyRaccoon, RimtoRiver, MMT). That’s a 40% chance. Not a good odd compares to my other shorter distance races. Of those two times I did finish, I swore I wouldn’t try again. I guess I am addicted to the pain, so I have signed up again and again. I think I mentioned the trick I did was to sign up for the next one before running the current one. It is really another level harder.

    No matter how confident I went in, in the middle of the race, there is a real temptation to tap out when you are offered a quick way to end it. I tapped out in the MMT and the Devil Dog. This is not the case for a marathon.

    The longer format also has a different feel besides fear. It feels almost magical and even mystical. Yes there is the desperation too but when you see the sunrise and later the sunset and you are not even halfway through, I feel a sense of largeness / and being in an epic adventure. There is an other worldly feeling. It is an awesome feeling. I’m sure probably from the runner high or something, but there is the mystery of running through the night and darkeness. Maybe it is a feeling of loneliness and abandonment when the rest of the world is asleep. In the end, might be a bunch of emotions mixing up due to fatigue as well as sense of accomplishment as I get near to the finish. A 100 mile let you experience all the emotions over a long period. It is certainly an unforgetable feeling to see both the sunset and the sunrise during the whole 24 hrs.

    Is there anything else? There are other things like having the bragging right of been there done that. Until I see the horizon, it was hard to say I am an ultra runner. I think I mentioned in some other post, about feeling belonging to a special group of people who did what I did. I did not get the same feel when I did a 50 mile as when I did a 100 miler. I have not done a 200 mile, so I don’t know how that feels. I can imagine how special that is. On one hand, there is nothing to brag about, but on another, it is a significant distance.

    Along with being proud about it, there is also a sense of friendship (community) shared between those who did the race or finished that distance. There is a wide range of difficulty in 100 mile races, but still it is like in the community, we know what it takes to finish one. In a sense, it can be said the same about those who did a marathon or even a 5K. It makes me realize there are people (like my mom) who dream if they could finish a 5k.

    There are probably other reasons like I just like being alone out there. I like to escape from my daily life and worries. I like to travel. I like to combine both things I like (hiking/camping with running). These are reasons I rarely think about but they are true of why I love the longer format so much. All the reasons are the same as given im a previous post on why I run – day502.

    It is also a privilege. I met other marathoners, like Sanjay from my recent marathon, when I asked if he is aiming for a 50 states quest. He said he is old and not like me. We joked a bit of him never too old. It is what I fear too that age is creeping up on me. It is a prvilege my body can still allow me to do things that I might not be able to do some day not too distance away.

    I haven’t even mentioned about the financial aspect. I could only do the things I do, because I have money side taken care of. Indeed, it is a priviledge. Plus time and opportunity. I think I mentioned somewhere, that I am glad to not being tied down by a family. Not that those having family can’t run, but it does make my training schedule a bit easier. All these factors remind me to always to be thankful, when I get to stand at the starting line of a race and even more thankful when I reach the end of it.

    What are we suppose to learn from it? I was asking myself, how can I do better? This year, I failed three different races, a 100K (devil dog), a 100 mile (MMT), and a 50 mile (Iron Mountain), which was my first time of not being able to finish a race. They have been analyzed in many posts. I write race reports.

    Yes, the races were hard to me. I was not adaquately trained. If I were a little stronger, etc. They were somehow beyond me. But have I considered what can I do differently next time to get them done? I wrote out a template in each of those reports, how I can tackle them next time. I even reassured myself, that I failed because I chose hard races that were designed to hit my limit.

    As far as (life) lessons I can draw from a race, this is a tough question. I don’t really have an answer. I want to run and forget about them. Maybe one day when I can no longer run, I then can sit down and think about it more. The answer has to do with bigger question of why I am doing this and what it means to finish or not finish. I am grasping straws here.

    I want to run even farther than a 100 mile. I know there are way longer distances out there. Some say, I haven’t really know what ultra distance is unless I try those longer ones. I have heard they are a world apart from the 100. I so far haven’t had the gut to step into a 200 mile world. I think once I did that, I would be fully initiated. Truth is I don’t know when I will be ready (initially I thought by next year, I should be ready). Many people are content to just stay at the 100 distance. Not sure if the 200 mile races are for me.

    There are longer distances than 200. I want to run across Tennessee in real life (I have done it virtually for three years in a row). I think once you step into a distance measures in weeks, it becomes something else. Las’ races like HOTs and LAVS are something I dream of doing.

    I also want to run/hike across the country. I wrote about this couple times this year. Initially it was my secret new year resolution (D479: self-talk), but now I believe I have to bring it a step closer to reality by having it in the open. Ultimately, I hope some day, I get to try running around the world (there are hundreds (maybe even thousands) others who attempted or finished). Just saying, I won’t be the first. I know the chance for me to do so is low, maybe very low, but still it is a dream if one day I can. It’s A bucket list thing — need to get luck (opportunity), ability, time and money together.

    For those who don’t follow my blog, yes, I am couple months away from finish a virtual version of running around the world, called the CRAW (it deserves a separate post). I know it is not the same but it is like maybe 1 percent of the real thing, and is many times easier because there is no logistics to handle, but it really expanded my horizon to sense the vastness of the distance. It allows me to see the distance in a more concrete term, to know, whether it can be realistically done. I think if in real life, it would take about 10 years to walk/run around the world (it took us 3 years with 10 people each doing a portion). It feeds my dream to do the real thing.

    The reason for running such long runs (multi day runs), no longer because of the physical challenge but for being a wanderlust. I feel the reason I would do something like that is to explore places and to go to places. Yes, running probably is least efficient way to accomplish it. The reason I would still choose running is to be out there as long as possible.

    Of course, I run long races, because I enjoy doing them. Even if I fail to finish, I found them to be exhilarating.

    PS. I just looked at a race Heart Land 100. They offer a 125 mi option and I am tempted to sign up for next year or one after. It is the wanderlust in me.

  • Day484 shooting breezes

    TL;DR bye to Techno, gambling in a raccoon game on Twitch, and I signed up for Cowtown

    Happy 4th for those in the States or abroad! Not technically the fourth yet, but a day or two won’t be much of a difference and I won’t wait till Monday to post my blog…I could, but why?

    First off, a salute to Technoblade, who passed away on June 30th due to cancer. I started to watch a bunch his videos during the start of the pademic and he became my hero for his exploits in Minecraft (mostly from the video Potato War). He appeared on my radar might have been due to youtube algorithm and also because Minecraft Monday, a series of minecraft competitions that happened at the beginning of the pademic. He gained a huge following because of it. Last summer, I was sadden when I learned he had cancer.

    I have moved on from watching Youtube videos to switching over to Twitch for real time streaming video since the past year.

    As I have nothing to post today, I scraped the bottom of the barrel and found this I wrote up a few weeks ago, not the actual post itself, but close enough. It was about gambling on a Twitch art channel (lunarniaa, check out her channel and art and her community of streamers). If those viewers found this post, they would be laughing their heads off of the time and energy I went through to get a win. I love them really, hence the amount of time I spent there. I figured it wouldn’t be that interesting if I posted the full writeup on the gamble thing so I didn’t post it.

    In brief, I have been spending my time of the last six months in the Twitch chat at the channel. She has a gambling game of guessing where the raccoon. Mostly I visit there to “gamba”, their term for gambling. She is an art illustrator and the raccoon game is just a mini game she played with her audience in the chat.

    We stop calling it gambling to be more wholesome because it is illegal in certain countries but call it the raccoon game now. We play it during the stream with points given to us based on the time duration we watch the channel, just like a loyalty point system. Points can also redeem awards from the artist, like a small sketch.

    I want a chibi head, a cartoon blowup head of your character (they call it OC, an original character sketch, that represents you, most people on Twitch would use an OC for their profile picture). Usually it takes maybe half a year of watching to earn enough points for the prize, currently is set at 100000 points. I get between 1000 to 2000 points per stream watched. So about 50-100 streams will make it, roughly 20 weeks (5 months) for me because I don’t watch every stream or stay for the full length (normally 3-4 hours). Yes, I would have gotten the chibi head by now if I didn’t gamble. Gambling is a way to gather points quicker as some believe. However, for many, their dreams come to an end each time they gamble. Mine too. I’m an enabler.

    It is a 50-50 chance game, like guessing head or tail of a coin toss. If it is purely random (RNG), then it does not matter of either choice because in the long run, your winnings or losings would even out, meaning zero payoff). However, some of us think it is ‘rigged’ because some people seem to always lose and others always win or we are just saying it to tease the host, Luna. Maybe it is a halo effect. We play because maybe we have better luck than others.

    I think it is just funny to laugh at other people’s bad luck / as well celebrating people’s good fortune. So what I thought was a smart thing to do is ‘reverse rigged’ it by creating a second account to always bet the opposite of what I would bet (I called hedging). This way one of the accounts will always ‘win’. I thought I was clever, but on the flip side, one account also always loses too, which I didn’t see it at the time. In short, it also didn’t prove the game was rigged, but I think it was funny for me to spend my thought and energy on the game to find the best strategy to beat the system. The post would have go into details of the wagers made. I thought I found a way (or strategy) to always win. And the game is usually played twice per stream and I thought I came with a strategy to bet like first round to test the water, and 2nd round to go all in. If it is a pure 50-50 chance, then it wouldn’t matter. As some people who played it already realized, the best thing to do regarding gambling is never to start, especially in real life (with real money)! You don’t lose what you didn’t bet.

    Am I getting a chibi? With both accounts combined I have around 90000 points and probably yes by the time this post goes out. Just a week more, or a quick gamba, and I’ll reach 100000 points needed for the chibi redeem! But I need someway to transfer the points from one account to another (without cheating, what!?, yes I could go into a game/poll where I know I can win, and there is only two people betting, me and my alt (alternate or backup account), and let either me or my alt win, but that would be pretty obvious).

    What this have to do with anything? Well nothing. There might be a little related to investing and that is more practical. At least I tell myself I am “investing” because I have a bit more knowledge than pure betting at chance. I could protect and limit my “risk”.

    I have so much more to say but I will leave it as that.

    —-

    I am in a middle of a season with all my hard races already passed. Fall races have not started yet. You can say I’m on a break. My training for last two weeks have been very little, like around 10 miles ish. Usually I put in around 50 miles or more per week. Not that my body is tired but mentally so.

    When this happened, like I feel unmotivated, I go to sign up for more races. As I was looking for races for next year, I decided to go to Texas for my next destination for my marathon. My goal is to run a marathon in all 50 states of the US. It has been slow going as I am distracted by a lot of other races.

    Then I came across the Cowtown Marathon. I read reviews on that and one of the bloggers on WP I followed also has done it. The price is just right for me and that sealed the deal for me. But guess what, during the checkout I found it offers an ultra marathon version and I couldn’t resist of not signing up for the ultra. Yep I will be going to Texas! But for an ultra again! What am I doing I asked myself. Was not going to Texas to cross off a marathon there for my 50 states goal? I guess I would have to go back for a marathon some other time. I got distracted, hopefully in a good way. Readers will have to wait till next year for the race report. This is what I mean, I pick races a year to two years ahead to do. Usually I don’t post something so far ahead because no one knows if I get to run it at all. Anyway, it is something for me to look toward.

    Ann Arbor is still up in the air for this year, but I don’t feel a strong desire to go there. I don’t like spending more than I should. Also I have enough races already. One more technically won’t break this camel’s back but I am on the fence, so likely will be a no-go.

    As in my last entry, nowaday, I am looking for the experience rather than running for running’s sake, not sure I’m making sense here. I had a good time when I went to Duluth, but as I also experienced the opposite at Worlds End, there is no gaurantee of having exact experience year after year. I’m sure Ann Arbor would put up a good race, but mentally I’m not hyped for it any more and I’m afraid to jink it.

    I also thought long and hard about MMT. I did not finish it (DNF) this year, and I’m hoping to redo at the next opportunity, and have been asking myself if I’m up to the task to do two 100 races in spring of next year. I think I can, but wisdom says to wait. I plan to sit out of the MMT next year, and fully commit to doing the OBX (Outer Banks) one. I will still attend its training runs (and the MMT Academy) and am willing to pace someone or volunteer at the event. The signup for MMT won’t open until fall, but I have my peace now.

  • Day467 slow week

    Maybe it is a pattern that after a big race, there is a big let down immediately after. I have been in a slump the last two weeks.

    My ability to run shouldn’t be a limiting factor, but my life has been hectic and what not. It got so bad that I haven’t run for two weeks.

    The only times I stopped running were for quarantine back in 2020. I took two weeks off then. Another time I stopped running was due to caring for my mom – that was right before the 100 mile race in West Virginia.

    This time I really messed up with my training for the next hundred miler. I should have been in my peak condition right now, but I am not. I think I am at maybe 10%. The race is maybe in 6 weeks. It is a bit late. I really bombed my February and March, the two crucial months.

    Not only that but a few days ago, it started on Wednesday, I had lower back pain. I had back pain in the past. It comes and goes. The pain was enough for me to keep me from running.

    The next morning though the pain shifted to my lower left thigh. It was as if someone stabbed me during the night in the back of my leg. I was hobbling around during the next day. Friday, it got a bit better. The pain went down to numbness. Still walking was difficult. Saturday I stayed home. The pain reduced a bit further. There were certain positions I could sit or lay down where I could be painfree now. Then came Sunday. I had a 10K race.

    A wise person would listen to their body but I am not one of them. I went to the course anyway. I paid for the race months ago and there is no way I would be giving up on it. Even if I couldn’t run it, I might be able to walk it. It might take me two hours but I will get it done.

    Before the race, I googled what was wrong with me with my conditions. I think I have an idea now. Of course I am not a doctor and the web and self diagnosis is not the most accurate thing. I think I had a high hamstring pulled. The conditions seem to match. They have a term for this. I realized I had this pain before. Some say it wouldn’t go away by resting and ice.

    Would I still going to run it or not? I could barely walk. I thought it was funny I was limping down the street while everyone was doing their warm up runs. I tried to stretch my hamstring, boy was that hurt. No worry. We would go slow.

    I chose to run. The first mile was like a 13 min pace and I was with all the slow people. Gradually I could go a bit faster and faster. The pain let up. I could go into a full sprint. Glory for now and pain later I said to myself. I could move at a 9 min pace (near my top speed) by mile 4. Mile 5 I started to get tired and my pace dropped back down to 9:30. I cruised to the finish passing a few other people on the way in.

    Now what? Don’t do what I did. Listen to your body. I don’t know if I will be able to move tomorrow. We will see.

    Fyi, I am not sure if I had covid or was it the side effect from the booster shot, but I had all of these:

    “Post-COVID-19 fatigue is more than just tiredness and can make you feel completely drained, exhausted, and generally unwell, which is common when your body is fighting a viral infection. You may also experience other symptoms such as: Weakness, Muscle and joint pain, Poor concentration, Sore throat, Headache,
    Disorientation.”

    Why did I not get tested? I forgot; it didn’t occur to me that it could have been covid. Only now as I am writing up this post, the light turned on. I could have the omicron. I should have gotten tested. Now it is too late, I already felt much better this week.

    I don’t know what will happen to me now in the weeks ahead. My conditions might take 6 more weeks to fix, but I definitely will make it worse with my running. There are exercises (stretches) I could do to strengthen my hamstring. Six weeks from now though would be my 100 mile race.

  • Day460 content

    Expect great things and attempt great things. This is a quote from William Carey, a missionary, I wish to make it my own. I believe all great people have similar bigger than life vision for themselves and what they accomplish seems to us to be on another level.

    I’m no hero, but I have been thinking what can make me feel alive. I like to run, at least currently. I like making money. I am seeking thrill. If it is near having a chance of failure, it would get me excited.

    I have been thinking a lot on a vision/mission statement. At one point last year (and even the year before), I thought I had it. Then during the fourth quarter of last year, it was put to test and it made me doubt if my statement is realistic or practical.

    My original statement is to run is much and in as many places as possible in my life. It has been what I eat and breathe for the last few years.

    It is even my reason for existent. It sustained me when I don’t feel like running.

    There is though a short coming. It did not explain why I run and what it means for other people around me.

    A mission statement should give a purpose and inspiration to self (and others), such as why others should join or support me on my attempt.

    I went back to the drawing board. And I came away with a stronger resolve to attempt harder goals. Running just marathons has been a too narrow focus.

    It reaffirmed me that I definitely will go and do what my heart yearns. Those who know me, know that I have a few big goals in life, center around running 1. to run in all 50 states, 2. to hike the AT/PCT/CDT, and 3. to run across the US, lastly maybe to walk around the world. All these have in common of doing something physically hard. And I have been struggling of putting the dream to reality the last 5-6 years.

    I draw comparison to Pokemon. I am a bit older (at least “of age”) when Pokemon came out, but its motto is “got to catch them all”. The opening theme song sums it all up, I want to be the very best. Ashe wants to learn and train pokemons. Naruto wants to be Hokake. In One Piece, Luffy wants to be a pirate. I want to run.

    Not sure if I wrote about this, but it is likely I already had. Apologize in advance for being repetitive. After 400+ posts, I lost track on what I already posted or not.

    I came across a ytube video from TheStockGuy on about we only have about 300 days in our whole life we get to use it solely for ourselves. What he meant is most of our time from birth to the grave are doing many mundane things that we have not much say but are essential, like going to school or going to work, keeping up our body and doing choirs, eating/sleeping/and even sitting in traffic etc. even empty periods of not doing anything (vegging), and there is very little time left to do that we can use it for our own. His lesson is we should treasure a special time we can spend with our family and maximize that time.

    Most would say wait a minute, we got to have more time than just a year of our life for ourselves. What about when we retire shouldn’t there be plenty of time to do what we like?

    Well I am not sure if his math is correct, but I tend to believe him that we have very short time to do the things that count. We are indeed very “busy” but usually busy for something that in a long term perspective is of little value.

    I’ve heard of one of his examples whether it was from the same video or from another, that when you have the time to do the things you like, the people you want to be with is likely no longer be around. He was talking about spending time with one’s parent. The time and opportunity when both generations overlapped is very few and short. I can relate, that by the time I can travel/run, I might not have the health to so it.

    I’m not a sentimental person and I rarely spend my time with others, being an (or a maybe extreme) introvert. I am though like to think back on things. I tried to count up to 300 instances (this is without even considering whether my family was there) where it has been meaningful in my life, well, not all my life, but since when I started blogging on here. I know I have written 460 posts to-date, and at least some of them are significant or have recorded of a significant event.

    I had my work cut out because I maintain couple special pages like bookmarks, races I ran, and trips I had taken where I could assemble my information. The conclusion is I have a list about 60 things I have done or places I have been in the last 4-5 years. What surprised me is the list is rather short. I was hoping somewhere to maybe around 300.

    The math is probably right. I don’t do anything that exciting for the most part, maybe once a month I go somewhere. It means like 12 times a year, and if over 30-40 years, there maybe 300-400 things done that are noteworthy. This is if you really make that one a month time for yourselves.

    Maybe it is about the mentality. Looking back, even the last five years, if it not for the journaling, I would not have remembered much. I need to make a mental note to make every day special, and every month, and every year too, otherwise, time just goes by and I’ll be sitting here again next year thinking what did I do.

    Related to this is I forgot a lot already even of the things I wrote down. I know the original intent of this journal project is so that I won’t forget as I try to reach my goal of running marathons in all 50 states and other things.

    As you can see, I was not laser-focused in reaching my goal but had meandered through many things. I could blame the pandemic and also the lack of funding, etc. Still, I could have been more focused in deciding what things to do or places to go.

    So what!? Nothing. Life goes on regardless we mindful or not.

    I have no answer to my own question. I normally start the year expecting great things. I looked back the last five years and every year can be said is better than the one before. I am not purely seeking that this year will top or pop the year before, but wouldn’t it great if that happens? What am I expecting? What is different this year?

    I signed up for most of my races already except for maybe two or three left to do, waiting for the registrations to be open (Iron Mnt, Devil Dog, LakeRidge, maybe OGU, and maybe Ann Arbor Marathon). I know like 90% how the year will be like in term of scheduling. It just feels too normal almost like the year prior. In fact since the start of the pandemic every year seems the same.

    As I think about it, this new year indeed did not start with a bang. How can I improve on this.

    OK, to brighten things a bit, my running team for around the world (Craw), had just finished Region 8. We as a team, ran 20000 miles for a year and half, and there are only 4 regions remaining, about 10,000 miles to go. We hope to finish them this year. It is kind of cool.

    I want to leave a note to myself – I have been (or am pressured) trying to seek new things, as streamers call them — for contents/optics, maybe contents for my blog. In a sense too I am seeking contents for my life (not contentment but content) with me as the audience.

    The point is not to seek something outrageous like streamers would do, but something meaningful like sleeping on the back porch one winter night! I did that a few days ago while testing out a sleeping bag during the subzero temperature we had. What the point? Doing some quarky things.

    The blog is too long and I’m tired, so will have to continue on another day. Also I hit a writter block…what it means to be great/doing great things in my own word.

  • Day458 big goal / maybe day 3 of the new year?

    This is probably a conclusion to the 3 day series of what I want to do this year. I struggled with motivation in the past and it hits hard especially after running a tough race. The last quarter of 2021, I literally gave up on my training. There were many reasons to why but one main one was finding the joy doing what I like to do.

    Usually though if I forced myself to go out and run, I would feel extremely good afterward. This was how I restarted my training this year. Running in itself is not a problem but starting off is.

    On a very cold night, it was near midnight, I haven’t run during the day though knowing I should. Usually, when I about to run, there are countless reasons of why I shouldn’t, like it is cold, I’m hungry, it is dark, it is late, I feel tired, I have better thing to do, or I like to veg and do nothing, etc. They are valid reasons too. I could either go to bed and wait till the next day. With me, if I stop, the next day becomes another day and I know I won’t get started. So I went out and finished the run around 2 in the morning especially on the night deemed the coldest night of this winter.

    I felt very good afterward. Exhilarating good. Good thing is I think the next day was either a weekend or a holiday. But I got my run in.

    This past week was mostly like that. I got home from work and though I did not want to go out but somehow I did. I did my run. It has been sort of consistent. One day run and one day rest and another day run.

    I came across during the last few weeks on how to find motivation from others (streamers). I took my inspiration from them because many times I see them doing seemingly no-end-toiling especially musicians and artists when they did their “performance” and no one gives a hoot. I was wondering if it even worths their time. Yet the answer is they enjoy what they are doing. So doing a 4 hour stream is not much a drag. In fact they are thrilled if even one person out there appreciates their work.

    Every time when I go out for a long run (2-3 hours) I think of them. Granted running 4 hours vs sitting at a desk for 4 hours requires much more energy. But I think the main thing I struggle with is not the energy but the will and desire. Seeing other professionals (streamers) doing it helps my mindset. When I get to that state, it becomes timeless and time does not matter and I could run till daybreak. The feeling that comes after is undescribeable. Yes, it is like breaking a dam. Though with my training, I try to control that dam and not break it until race day.

    On a bigger goal – I looked at my to-do bucket list, many of the items I am no longer as enthusiastic today to do them as when I first put them on my list. For example, I wanted to run in all fifty states in the US. A few years ago, it seemed so hard and impossible but now it is doable and I could theorectically finish it in a year or two in one big tour. I feel like it is such a drag out goal to only do a race or two at a time. I don’t know whether the challenge is no longer there or something deeper. I wanted to feel that initial excitement not knowing the endpoint but thrill to take them on.

    How to have a fulfilling life someone asked? I usually have no problem in finding meaning in my life. I think the answer though can help me find reason to tackle my to-do list. Someone said to have a fulfilling life is finding that something that resonates inside.

    Another person said, the key is constantly seeking something more challenging than what was done before.

    Initially, I ran a marathon because it was death-fearing (freaking) hard! I am a wimp – I think everything is impossibly hard. But now I did it, a marathon is still hard but it is no longer that line that keeps me “normal” and the other side, the scary unknown. I think, in order to keep the passion, is not just to run another marathon or 50 marathons. I have to seek something beyond that at a whole next level. I sound like an addict.

    I think what tired me out is doing relatively the same thing over. In the mind, I feel I get a handle of things. In order to do something exciting, I have to step out to the unknown. Often for me, it means something more dangerous.

    I’m not sure if that makes me a thrill seeker. I had step into the ultra marathon stage now, having done two last year. Looking back they were not that hard, they just need training and anyone can do it. So I have been flirting with the 200 mile race as well as running across the continent. I want a goal so big that I look at it, no way I can do that.

    Back to earth, I did some house keeping (boring task) with my races, by signing up, cleaning up my race schedule, etc. I set my sight on running the Blackbeard 100 miler in 2023. This race has been on my radar since it first announced a few years ago and I have been following it. At the time, it was completely out of my league, but now I think I can do it.

    The future is unknown. I wish I have a clear vision how I can get from here to there. Until next week then…life goes on meanwhile.

    oh, about the Waterfall 50K, it was canceled/postponed till next week because of snow in our area…it could have gone on, but no one likes being in the news of 100 runners and volunteers stuck/lost on the mountain and requiring rescue. The RD canceled it ahead of time.

  • Day442 races to come

    I can’t wait till the weekend to share! I just signed up for my races for next year and they are…

    1. One City Marathon (VA)

    2. Grandma’s Marathon, (MN)

    3. lastly as of now, Salisbury Marathon (MD)

    I am most hyped about the One City Marathon because I think I have been waiting for 4-5 years to do this one. Yes forever…

    The other ones are too. I just came back from a race in Minnesota so they recommended Grandma’s as a race to do…, so my hope is up.

    Salisbury, probably not as widely known as the first two, but local racers, at least a blogger I followed recommended it, and so I am doing it. Also, I have been to Salisbury a few times, so, kind of like the place. I ran there once for a half marathon long time ago, so feeling a bit of a nostalgia.

    Yup, I am poor now for the next few weeks