In awe

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  • Day461 for the joy

    After couple weeks of running in bad weather and super cold temperature, for once we are back to decent running condition (today was 6 C when I went for my run). I think spring is near!

    I realized, I like running when it is super cold. Somehow it helped knowing it is super cold and to be prepared for it. Then it does not feel so bad once I started going.

    However, if the temperature is somewhat decent around maybe 50 F where it is neither cold or warm, somehow I don’t like running because I would be either underdressed and be cold, or I will be way overdressed and have to lug all the extra shirts and jacket around.

    I miss doing spontaneous blogging about my runs, because now I usually do a blog post once a week. The topic usually not immediately related to a run I just did but usually more abstract.

    Like tonight after work, I decided to run to a Vietnamese shopping center to get dinner. It was about 4.5-5 miles away. It was a good run and then I ran back. I felt the food was a good reward. Of course, I could have hopped into my car too, but choosing a run was so much more satisfying. The trail was dark but many others were also doing their night walk. It was safe. I wish to be able to do runs like that every day.

    Now about the previous post, I don’t intend to finish it at this time. I lost the train of thought on exactly how to go about it. In brief, I was trying to justify my running as something purposeful and meaningful. I still do – trying to see why what I am doing is so worthwhile.

    This I realized there might not be any meaning to it. I run just because I just do and enjoy doing it. I know it might have been partly an escape from reality — which is kind of true! Life is hard and boring. I do a 9-5 job. Many times I wish I rather be outside running during my working hours instead of sitting at my desk, doing almost meaningless repetitive tasks day after day.

    But as someone said to me recently, to “grow up!” and accept that such is life for everyone too and just endure it because it pays for my food and gives a roof over my head. The person’s point I think is don’t treat your main part (essential) of your life as play time and don’t confuse my play time (hobby) as work. Truth is I wish my running is my career.

    When I run I feel free from worries and everything about life. I would just run and not feel tired. I would and could run forever. Running is my reality — my true world and domain. Alright, I might got carry away a bit but indeed I love running.

    I admit maybe I am over doing it a little too much. In the last blog I was asking what it means to be great. We would think of being recognized for the work we did. Some run 5K, and if someone comes and run a 10K, that in comparison seems the longer distance is better. In a way, I have been climbing up to the marathon distance and then ultra marathon. Doing more and in a bigger scope is one way to be great or at least it gives the feeling of doing something more substantive. Maybe it is a fallacy. And I asked myself is there more? What do I want to do next?

    The reason why I seek to do more or the next level of difficulty is for the challenge and to find my motivation. After running a 100 mile last year, doing it again this year does not bring anything new to the table. I mean I still will enjoy doing it again, but it was not as challenging as when the 100 mile distance was unknown.

    So I was trying to determine in my heart, where am I going to stop.

    This is not so much a continuation of the last post, since I lost my interest/focus in it. I don’t have an answer to what I am seeking, but I am pressing ahead nonetheless having an inkling that this is the way.

    I think a lot about meaning and significance of my life goals especially why I run, virtually every time I step out my door. They tie into having a vision and mission statement. Whether I have one explicitly written out or left unsaid, we all have a kind of vision inside that we are driving toward – at least for me. It is important though our implicit or unstated vision should match our stated one.

    If I can summarize my vision, it is to seek the joy in experiencing the world through running in any conditions and anywhere at any time.

    It all started because I was being pointed out that I am exceedingly seeking my own joy over that of other people. Maybe so. I am very zealous of my free time. I was taking aback initially because it was morally not right. Now after thinking through, I don’t feel bad about it any more because we all do so. There is no requirement that we should live our life for other people. It is admirable some do seek for the betterment of others even with the sacrifice of their own. There is a balance somewhere. But each of us have our private goals. I always ask myself what am I willing to give up to obtain such and such.

    I have been running for 5 years. I dived headlong into this obsession. It took all my time. My time away from friends and family and even my former things I like (such as working on the computer, watching anime, and reading a good book). To me though, it is no longer a sacrifice. Initially it might have, but now I am more comfortable and prefer to be out on the roads at every opportunity I have. I enjoy being out on the road alone at night even if it is miserably cold at time. I admit nowaday it is an obsession (and even an unhealthy one). Everything now is measured by how much time I can spend on the course or how many races I am giving up if I do another thing. Races are my currency and language. I eat and breathe running.

    2. Identity. Who do we identify with. I like to be recognized by runners. Ya, he is an ultra runner will bring me joy. Maybe it is a little vanity. In reality whether people give me the recognition or not, I am a runner because of what I do. I don’t care whatever label is attached to me. A question shoyld ask myself is what the ultimate label I want to be identified with.

    3. Purpose. Some people finding having reason why we do something is important. A Mission statement usually give what and why. Say if I am going to Napal “to” climb the mountain, then the reason I am there is to do things I plan to do. Some purposes might be more intrinsic. I travel to see the world and people. My deeper goals usually left unsaid. I run because I feel good afterward. I usually don’t put that explicit reward in my statement. It is assume I am doing it to feel good. I also like to overcome tough challenges. Searching for that deeper reason maybe is beneficial. It could be the purpose will provide meaning too.

    growth. We do stuff hopefully it will change us in the process. Maybe growth is what we are after. Say if I hike across America, what do I hope to accomplish in the end? In the end, we hope to live a life with no regrets.

    time frame. I rush to do things because I feel I don’t have much time left. Each year is busier than the year before. I definitely know my energy is not unlimited. I hope get most things done within the next 10 years or so if I’m lucky. According to my plan, due to money problem, I can’t go out and spurt every single year. It requires being creative in how to budget. But if I take the conventional route, I can affort to do like 2-3 major things within the next 10 years.

    • Running in all 50 states. This is almost for sure
    • Running a 200 mile race. This is almost for sure now. I can see myself attempting it. It is a big potato but not too big
    • 7 continent race. hmm, this could be one of the three things I should do…probably the easiest of the big three
    • AT hike. It would be good if I get to do this. This is likely one of the big three and I am so nervous in pulling this off. This one resonates a lot. If I want to live a life with no regret, this is a must-do!
    • Running across ‘Murica. Definitely will be mind blowing. I can’t wrap my head at this time seeing myself doing this, but if I can have it as one of 3 things to do in my life, this would be it. Mind blowing great to pull this one off. I might want to do it twice (southern route and the northern route. Also the Let’s go South route!
    • Circum navigate/run across the globe. I have to leave now if this ever is a reality! because it takes about 10 years. if I really want to do the unthinkable, this is the one goal.

    An example on identity, the past week, something caused me to think of myself as an athlete. Sure a runner is an athlete but normally, I think of running is a hobby and an activity like walking or birdwatching not as intense as being an athlete. It is low stress and low commitment for me. Athlete to me means another level where people would admire because we want to see the performance and speed and prowness. Seeing myself as an athlete, changes how I train. And training is no longer optional.

    Sometimes we have check how do we identify ourselves. We might be surprised if we change the labels around.

    Long story ahort, is I am crystalizing what I want in life and pursuing after it. Sometimes, it might require making some unpopular choices.

    Not related but I want to tie in this extra part on finance. Unexpectedly my blog post on retirement attached way more traffic than my usual postings. Not sure whether they were bots or real readers. Somehow people like to read or find out how much to save for retirement! I guess it is not a surprise if I really think about it because I have the same question (if not for my privacy concern, I would even share my spreadsheets). Meanwhile, I was referred to another blog on the same topic. It is a very good post and I want to share it (note, usually I don’t post links, but this is an exception). I rather my visitors read this person’s article than mine.

    The author captures the life I want to live. Abandoning a stable job to live a life that is I think is more fulfilling. It is the idea of stop wasting your life away. You have to live your life now. The article has some solid partical tips to ease one’s anxiety concerning retirement. It can be found here – [https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-stop-worrying-about-the-future-and-start-living-your-life-now/]

  • Day460 content

    Expect great things and attempt great things. This is a quote from William Carey, a missionary, I wish to make it my own. I believe all great people have similar bigger than life vision for themselves and what they accomplish seems to us to be on another level.

    I’m no hero, but I have been thinking what can make me feel alive. I like to run, at least currently. I like making money. I am seeking thrill. If it is near having a chance of failure, it would get me excited.

    I have been thinking a lot on a vision/mission statement. At one point last year (and even the year before), I thought I had it. Then during the fourth quarter of last year, it was put to test and it made me doubt if my statement is realistic or practical.

    My original statement is to run is much and in as many places as possible in my life. It has been what I eat and breathe for the last few years.

    It is even my reason for existent. It sustained me when I don’t feel like running.

    There is though a short coming. It did not explain why I run and what it means for other people around me.

    A mission statement should give a purpose and inspiration to self (and others), such as why others should join or support me on my attempt.

    I went back to the drawing board. And I came away with a stronger resolve to attempt harder goals. Running just marathons has been a too narrow focus.

    It reaffirmed me that I definitely will go and do what my heart yearns. Those who know me, know that I have a few big goals in life, center around running 1. to run in all 50 states, 2. to hike the AT/PCT/CDT, and 3. to run across the US, lastly maybe to walk around the world. All these have in common of doing something physically hard. And I have been struggling of putting the dream to reality the last 5-6 years.

    I draw comparison to Pokemon. I am a bit older (at least “of age”) when Pokemon came out, but its motto is “got to catch them all”. The opening theme song sums it all up, I want to be the very best. Ashe wants to learn and train pokemons. Naruto wants to be Hokake. In One Piece, Luffy wants to be a pirate. I want to run.

    Not sure if I wrote about this, but it is likely I already had. Apologize in advance for being repetitive. After 400+ posts, I lost track on what I already posted or not.

    I came across a ytube video from TheStockGuy on about we only have about 300 days in our whole life we get to use it solely for ourselves. What he meant is most of our time from birth to the grave are doing many mundane things that we have not much say but are essential, like going to school or going to work, keeping up our body and doing choirs, eating/sleeping/and even sitting in traffic etc. even empty periods of not doing anything (vegging), and there is very little time left to do that we can use it for our own. His lesson is we should treasure a special time we can spend with our family and maximize that time.

    Most would say wait a minute, we got to have more time than just a year of our life for ourselves. What about when we retire shouldn’t there be plenty of time to do what we like?

    Well I am not sure if his math is correct, but I tend to believe him that we have very short time to do the things that count. We are indeed very “busy” but usually busy for something that in a long term perspective is of little value.

    I’ve heard of one of his examples whether it was from the same video or from another, that when you have the time to do the things you like, the people you want to be with is likely no longer be around. He was talking about spending time with one’s parent. The time and opportunity when both generations overlapped is very few and short. I can relate, that by the time I can travel/run, I might not have the health to so it.

    I’m not a sentimental person and I rarely spend my time with others, being an (or a maybe extreme) introvert. I am though like to think back on things. I tried to count up to 300 instances (this is without even considering whether my family was there) where it has been meaningful in my life, well, not all my life, but since when I started blogging on here. I know I have written 460 posts to-date, and at least some of them are significant or have recorded of a significant event.

    I had my work cut out because I maintain couple special pages like bookmarks, races I ran, and trips I had taken where I could assemble my information. The conclusion is I have a list about 60 things I have done or places I have been in the last 4-5 years. What surprised me is the list is rather short. I was hoping somewhere to maybe around 300.

    The math is probably right. I don’t do anything that exciting for the most part, maybe once a month I go somewhere. It means like 12 times a year, and if over 30-40 years, there maybe 300-400 things done that are noteworthy. This is if you really make that one a month time for yourselves.

    Maybe it is about the mentality. Looking back, even the last five years, if it not for the journaling, I would not have remembered much. I need to make a mental note to make every day special, and every month, and every year too, otherwise, time just goes by and I’ll be sitting here again next year thinking what did I do.

    Related to this is I forgot a lot already even of the things I wrote down. I know the original intent of this journal project is so that I won’t forget as I try to reach my goal of running marathons in all 50 states and other things.

    As you can see, I was not laser-focused in reaching my goal but had meandered through many things. I could blame the pandemic and also the lack of funding, etc. Still, I could have been more focused in deciding what things to do or places to go.

    So what!? Nothing. Life goes on regardless we mindful or not.

    I have no answer to my own question. I normally start the year expecting great things. I looked back the last five years and every year can be said is better than the one before. I am not purely seeking that this year will top or pop the year before, but wouldn’t it great if that happens? What am I expecting? What is different this year?

    I signed up for most of my races already except for maybe two or three left to do, waiting for the registrations to be open (Iron Mnt, Devil Dog, LakeRidge, maybe OGU, and maybe Ann Arbor Marathon). I know like 90% how the year will be like in term of scheduling. It just feels too normal almost like the year prior. In fact since the start of the pandemic every year seems the same.

    As I think about it, this new year indeed did not start with a bang. How can I improve on this.

    OK, to brighten things a bit, my running team for around the world (Craw), had just finished Region 8. We as a team, ran 20000 miles for a year and half, and there are only 4 regions remaining, about 10,000 miles to go. We hope to finish them this year. It is kind of cool.

    I want to leave a note to myself – I have been (or am pressured) trying to seek new things, as streamers call them — for contents/optics, maybe contents for my blog. In a sense too I am seeking contents for my life (not contentment but content) with me as the audience.

    The point is not to seek something outrageous like streamers would do, but something meaningful like sleeping on the back porch one winter night! I did that a few days ago while testing out a sleeping bag during the subzero temperature we had. What the point? Doing some quarky things.

    The blog is too long and I’m tired, so will have to continue on another day. Also I hit a writter block…what it means to be great/doing great things in my own word.

  • Day459 BRR Training Run 1

    I wasn’t even signed up for the BRR – Bull Run Run (50K), but I was at their first training run the past weekend.

    In our area there is a famous Civil War battlefield, actually there are a few, but Bull Run is probably more so because it was Confederate first victory and the Union retreated in disarray in our backyard.

    The race is not about a remembrance on the war or its history at least to my knowledge. It is just a run that happened near the famous battlefield. No race is held on the actual battleground itself (I think that is the National Park’s rule across the nation that forbids running or similar activities in a National Park or on a hallowed ground).

    The BRR will take place along the Bull Run Trail starting from Bull Run Park and along the namesake river. And I think it will be an out and back. I am not familiar with the details because I never got a chance to run it. I think that generally the direction.

    As for the trail, I have been training on it since last year for other races because it is the closest trail to my home, maybe about 4 miles away. To my joy, it is one of those trails that is not being “improved” on. All, if not all our urban trails are paved and widened so they are no longer are natural trails any more. I understand doing so allow greater access, but it takes away the joy of those who like the tough terrains. This one Bull Run Trail still has dirt and mud and all the nasty stuff (and feels authentic) and it is quite long (as least long enough for a 50K) and out of the way of development, so it gives the feel of being in the wild. Occasionally, we do see some houses or bridges.

    I have been eyeing and wanting to run the BRR (the race) when I first was interested in ultra/trail running, but the race is usually full by the time I find out about the sign up. As so, this year, I heard it is sold out. I have never gotten a spot. Also, back then I was nervous about doing it too and usually don’t pay a closer attention to the sign up date, because I think it was outside of my ability (I hadn’t run a 50K then). Now, my perspective has changed, after all I could run a 100k or more. I am no longer scared of a 50K. But BRR now has less a draw on me.

    I happened to saw their training run announced on Facebook, and no sign up was necessary. I jumped at the chance to run it with my local runners. A training run is almost like the real deal.

    My scheduling worked out. My other race, the Waterfall 50K was canceled for a 2nd time (a bit of a disappointment) but it opened up my Saturday.

    We had probably one of the coldest day this winter this Saturday. People said it was 16F but I think it was around 9F (-12C) when I started the run. The cold just sucked all the heat from me. I don’t remember if ever I was outside when it is this cold. Luckily it was not windy. I started at the trailhead near my home and ran to the training rally point, about 5 miles downstream. We were to meet at the Hemlock Overlook.

    I overestimated myself and did not arrive to the training place on time. Also initially I thought it was only 4 miles. I was dragging my feet somewhat in getting out the house, due to the cold, and I wanted to make sure I had everything for the day. Luckily another runner was also late. She came from Baltimore and had trouble finding parking. The group had left before she was ready. I ran with her till we caught the tailend of the group. It was good to have a companion.

    She ran at a much faster pace than I could keep up, so by 10 mile in, I needed a break, when we happened to be back at where my car was. Unbeknown to me the aid station was only maybe 3 miles further. I stopped at my car to change out my clothes and pants and lubed up. My shirts were soaked and the sweat on my hair was frozen. It was that cold. I got some rub burn I had to take care of – usually is the case when the clothes are wet. I felt better after changing and I ate some bread I had in the car.

    I caught back up with my new friend since she and her group stopped for a toilet break. On the way back, we stuck with her new group. Later though, one of the ladies was moving much slower, so I slowed down too and stayed with her. I became the group sweeper (meaning being last person). We got back to Hemlock and other people were waiting for us. We somehow took a longer route back (1.5 miles longer).

    My run continued into the afternoon because I wanted to add more miles. The day warmed up to 32. The ice on the ground melted and the trail became slushy and muddy. I finished with 27 miles. I originally intended to do a 50K (31 mi), but toward near the end I was low in energy and since it was not a race, there was no point to grind out another 4 miles to get the bragging right.

    Experience: I would say I enjoyed the training run maybe even more than if I run in the race itself. We had good support. People were nice. Even toward the end of the day, I was still meeting a few stragglers. Some started even later than me. I think it was special to bring out a bunch of ultra runners and it felt like a race day.

    I was not training for BRR since I did not secure a spot in the race. No one minded. The thing is we could just show up and do the training. I felt good to gather with other runners. I noted this is my first social run since the start of the pandemic.

    Note for self. I met an older lady during the BRR-TR who has done the MMT 100. Her advice to me is do all their training runs – especially the Chocolate Bunny (around Easter I think), which is a midnight run on the mountain. I think it is something I’ll be looking forward to do. This is important because from now on, all my trainings will focus toward the MMT.

  • Day458 big goal / maybe day 3 of the new year?

    This is probably a conclusion to the 3 day series of what I want to do this year. I struggled with motivation in the past and it hits hard especially after running a tough race. The last quarter of 2021, I literally gave up on my training. There were many reasons to why but one main one was finding the joy doing what I like to do.

    Usually though if I forced myself to go out and run, I would feel extremely good afterward. This was how I restarted my training this year. Running in itself is not a problem but starting off is.

    On a very cold night, it was near midnight, I haven’t run during the day though knowing I should. Usually, when I about to run, there are countless reasons of why I shouldn’t, like it is cold, I’m hungry, it is dark, it is late, I feel tired, I have better thing to do, or I like to veg and do nothing, etc. They are valid reasons too. I could either go to bed and wait till the next day. With me, if I stop, the next day becomes another day and I know I won’t get started. So I went out and finished the run around 2 in the morning especially on the night deemed the coldest night of this winter.

    I felt very good afterward. Exhilarating good. Good thing is I think the next day was either a weekend or a holiday. But I got my run in.

    This past week was mostly like that. I got home from work and though I did not want to go out but somehow I did. I did my run. It has been sort of consistent. One day run and one day rest and another day run.

    I came across during the last few weeks on how to find motivation from others (streamers). I took my inspiration from them because many times I see them doing seemingly no-end-toiling especially musicians and artists when they did their “performance” and no one gives a hoot. I was wondering if it even worths their time. Yet the answer is they enjoy what they are doing. So doing a 4 hour stream is not much a drag. In fact they are thrilled if even one person out there appreciates their work.

    Every time when I go out for a long run (2-3 hours) I think of them. Granted running 4 hours vs sitting at a desk for 4 hours requires much more energy. But I think the main thing I struggle with is not the energy but the will and desire. Seeing other professionals (streamers) doing it helps my mindset. When I get to that state, it becomes timeless and time does not matter and I could run till daybreak. The feeling that comes after is undescribeable. Yes, it is like breaking a dam. Though with my training, I try to control that dam and not break it until race day.

    On a bigger goal – I looked at my to-do bucket list, many of the items I am no longer as enthusiastic today to do them as when I first put them on my list. For example, I wanted to run in all fifty states in the US. A few years ago, it seemed so hard and impossible but now it is doable and I could theorectically finish it in a year or two in one big tour. I feel like it is such a drag out goal to only do a race or two at a time. I don’t know whether the challenge is no longer there or something deeper. I wanted to feel that initial excitement not knowing the endpoint but thrill to take them on.

    How to have a fulfilling life someone asked? I usually have no problem in finding meaning in my life. I think the answer though can help me find reason to tackle my to-do list. Someone said to have a fulfilling life is finding that something that resonates inside.

    Another person said, the key is constantly seeking something more challenging than what was done before.

    Initially, I ran a marathon because it was death-fearing (freaking) hard! I am a wimp – I think everything is impossibly hard. But now I did it, a marathon is still hard but it is no longer that line that keeps me “normal” and the other side, the scary unknown. I think, in order to keep the passion, is not just to run another marathon or 50 marathons. I have to seek something beyond that at a whole next level. I sound like an addict.

    I think what tired me out is doing relatively the same thing over. In the mind, I feel I get a handle of things. In order to do something exciting, I have to step out to the unknown. Often for me, it means something more dangerous.

    I’m not sure if that makes me a thrill seeker. I had step into the ultra marathon stage now, having done two last year. Looking back they were not that hard, they just need training and anyone can do it. So I have been flirting with the 200 mile race as well as running across the continent. I want a goal so big that I look at it, no way I can do that.

    Back to earth, I did some house keeping (boring task) with my races, by signing up, cleaning up my race schedule, etc. I set my sight on running the Blackbeard 100 miler in 2023. This race has been on my radar since it first announced a few years ago and I have been following it. At the time, it was completely out of my league, but now I think I can do it.

    The future is unknown. I wish I have a clear vision how I can get from here to there. Until next week then…life goes on meanwhile.

    oh, about the Waterfall 50K, it was canceled/postponed till next week because of snow in our area…it could have gone on, but no one likes being in the news of 100 runners and volunteers stuck/lost on the mountain and requiring rescue. The RD canceled it ahead of time.

  • Day457.9 WTF again

    Got to share…and can’t wait till next week or the next day. I just got accepted into the WTF race (waterfall 50K, waterfall is the nickname I think). The race is next weekend.

    Telling you guys, this race is old school. They don’t let you know until almost the day of. But it is free! Nothing beat a free ultra. You just got to be ready to run in any condition and at any time…

    Zippy! lets go…I did some training in the snow and ice today because we had a snow storm of the century the past week.

    I think I am ready to run up and down the 1000 ft frozen waterfall. I was there exactly a year ago when the race was canceled and treaded through ice and freezing river – A scary race. Icy and slippery rocks is no fun. frostbite and wet feet is real…ah let not think about it or else I might back out.

  • Day457 New year Day 2

    New Year Resolutions / What I want for Christmas

    Time goes by so fast. Couple months ago, I was training life-and-death for my biggest race at the time. I was in a rock and a hard place…due to many things coming together at the same time. Of course, I could just walk away and not run it. But the thought though was I’d rather run and suffer (or die trying) than not running it. Indeed it could have been bad.

    I did come away with a bit of pain. I am not sure if my legs would ever recover – at least any time soon without going through PT sessions.

    I was always a bit psychotic – extreme so to speak. I had to look up. Yes, I think I am a bit crazy. Now I am sitting in the comfy of my home, and happy I did it. There were so much happened between then. I did several other races. Wrote up reports on those.

    Every year between October to December, I lumped these months into one giant blob.

    I never really get around to asking what I want for Christmas. This year, it was a new computer. I reached a lot of personal goals. Yes, a lot of the goals were limited by my financial condition…like buying a fast bike. I held that off for a few years because money was not there. This year I actually could affort it finally! However, I did not go and purchase it, because I haven’t biked for nearly two years.

    For those who know me, I shop around a lot exploring all options, but in the end I usually don’t get anything (due to cost). Window shopping is my thing.

    I didn’t buy my bike or the computer. That was a long digression. Kinda. I had enough time to think on what I want, no not just the computer by something bigger.

    Resolution:

    1. run more. Run first thing in the morning
    2. run faster. 4:15 marathon…is that faster than last year?
    3. run farther
    4. run longer
    5. be more organized

    My resolution is different from last year or the year before. I am circling around the topic. Actually I wanted to have a blog post on identity.

    After 5 years of running, and in my 6th year now, my identity is tied to my running. If anything, I want to be identify as one who runs. Maybe now it is time for a rebranding: to man who travels.

    I actually don’t want to announce my goals or resolutions. Firstly, I read, once you announce your goals, it is twice as hard in getting them done because there is ton of blockers, trying to derail your plan. Second, I have not worked out the details. Third, I am a bit shy to share my goals to the world.

    My mom recent illness really helped me to clarify if I really want to pursuit my goals. During that time, I have been called selfish. It hit hard but I came away accepting the label. I am willing to achieve my goals above all else. My mom did not really get mad at me but she did mention later that my goal has to be balanced out with the needs of those around me. The answer is definitely yes I want to go for crazier goal in view of all that happened. TL;DR…I thought running 100 miles was crazy, I am ready for crazier thing.

    I might have flirted with the idea of hiking the appalachian trail or running across America or even traveling around the world. I have been and still is pushing it toward some distance future. What I want to say is, it is a step closer to reality today than six months ago.

    The issue has been how crazy can I get to do it. Now I think I am crazy enough to go for it. Why I am saying it is crazy? Because it requires a step of faith — like the bibical Abraham to leave his father’s house and go to a country he knew not. I am no Abraham. I don’t hear voices telling me to leave, but I am more convicted to leave now than six months ago.

    My biggest hold is and has been safety (financial security) at where I am now and it will definitely will scale if I don’t do anything crazy.

    The idea always have been make enough money then leave. It is the concept called Financial Independent F* Money. At least to have a way so I can come back and still have a job or some way to earn a living (like video blogging). It is always down to money, right? If we have enough money then we don’t have to work. I did some calculation – the only way I don’t have to work is when I retire at old age. I don’t have enough now to retire early. So basically I can’t do it in a conventional sense. For most people, the story ends here. Only way is to be unconventionally. Luckily, there are a few people who did just that and I can follow their footsteps (e.g. Cycling Jin – UniverseWithMe, who biked around the world the last 7-8 years and started out with literally nothing).

    I guess the biggest hurdle is always trying to convince myself.

    Have I mentioned before? I am thinking of retiring to a different country to a place that has a lower cost of living. How is this related? Well I plan to use the years remaining to visit those countries I plan to retire to. I have not fully thought out the idea yet, but yes there are a few youtube channels on this topic. Not trying to convince any one else or whether it is smart. It is something I want to do.

  • Day456 A new year

    A new year is a new beginning. Yes Day 1.

    I will eventually reset my blog to Day 1 maybe some day. Actually to those who didn’t know I have done so like 5 or 6 times already — not for this blog here but on 5-6 previous journals usually after about 500 ish days, I started to lose track and would restart. It is kind of my thing to see how long I can keep it up. It is not important to my readers to know.

    My new year has been quiet. Last year, … I don’t remember what I did. Usually, I think I go hiking or do a new year day race. I did not race this year. I slept in. Also usually on new year, I sign up for races. There were many races usually open after new year. I did not do so this year. Today I checked. Many races already had a waiting list — like the Rim to River 100 miler, which I kind of want to redo it, had over 100 people on its waiting list! If there is a race you really want to do, you have to set an alarm and sign up the moment the open. I am not one of those who like to be on a waiting list.

    Compare to last year, this year I did not have much momey on hand. Not that I did not do well, I did. I think I made more money than I ever did! The S&P had a whooping 27% increase — too bad I got in only at the end of the summer, so I got about half of that windfall. This is like closing your eyes and randomly throwing a dart and it hit the bulleye. I know, not the best way to do with your money. That is how I feel about the stock market. I opened another retirement account after watching a Youtuber talked about it (Graham Stephan). I also increased my contribution to my work retirement plan, so I have very little liquid cash on hand at the moment. So I am too poor to sign up for races.

    This brought me to topic I want to share. Nothing important like my running. In fact I celebrated Christmas and New Year by watching youtube and twitch. Youtube has been around for a long time and it has changed over the year. At one point, it was a best place to watch movies, but now they really has shut off all the illegal uploads. At one point it was my go to place for music and that too has been no good now since they want people to pay for their youtube music.

    What youtube for me now is live content and video premiers. Live content can be VOD (video on demand) from a streamer. I mean it is unedited videos – first hand POV video (point of view). Yes it is just as much as a time sink as any other media.

    Over this pademic I have grown to enjoy a dozen or so streamers. I wish I could list all of them here. I mostly enjoy artists – the art kind and also musicians. I started watching I believe in spring 2020. As now another year passed, many of the original people I followed had moved onto some other things.

    Many have returned back to their real world job. Streaming cannot support them full time. Only a few made it to the top. For many, it was not worth it. Still there are many small time streamers, and they do it because they enjoy in what they are doing.

    What I am trying to get at is life moves on. In a sense I am happy for them but it is also a lost to their “community” they established when they are no longer there.

    One of the streamers I watched, Technoblade, a youtuber, and considered as one of the best minecraft players, brought me sad news. Over the new years eve, he finally reached 10 million subscribers on his channel. It was a goal he set when he was 13 — that he wanted to be a youtuber and to reach 10 mil viewers/subscribers. That was a good news, but I also learned just a few days prior (though the news was out since end of summer) that he was diagnosed with cancer. They almost amputated his right arm during fall. He had not upload much. He still made a joke that he would not able to clap his hands when he reached 10 million. He did. Not sure now how his future in gaming be like. He is indeed entertaining just by listening to him talking, so he might be switching to something new in the future.

    I could go on and on how I got plugged into these communities. I don’t know much about them except their user id or their stream name, yet I felt connected to them with the stories of their life they shared to their viewers. Each of them are different, yet special.

    It reminds me I am not too different. In a sense, I am doing something similar. I am telling my story. I have my angle. I hope though I will be around for a while. Happy new year to all.

  • Day455 spontaneous

    Training has been hard…hard to get start again.

    Only way to be good at running/anything is to keep on training. The moment we stop training our body and muscles started to decline.

    I know all that.

    For me, there is never a good time to train. There is always something comes up and interferes.

    Only way to do it is to have it the first thing in the day before anything else. It means prioritizing.

    Or if not the first thing, willing to have it be the last thing before going to bed. Willing to do it no matter how tiring.

    Or have it in the planner. Set a time aside to have the run. It means to stick to the schedule. I used to follow the rule: no run means no dinner. This forces me to run early. Becuase we got to eat.

    I am mostly a night time trainerbecause that is when I have time. After all the work and a long day, getting myself out to run no question is hard. I forced myself out the door last week. At least I did it for two nights, Monday and Wednesday. One was near 2 am in the morning.

    It seemed harsh to train in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep, but I find myself feeling most free. There is a joy that I did not want to stop once started.

    It brought back my memory of my 100 mile race. Yes night time was the hardest time in the race, yet also the most peaceful to run. It was just you and the path without any distraction. All the scenery, cloud, tree, and even the path disappear. It is the lacking of sight that makes me really like night running.

    I only ran a total of 9 miles last week but the two evening runs were ones I enjoyed.

    I miss doing spontaneous run! It might have be guilted into it because I haven’t run for so long. Yet, not really feeling guilty once I started running.

  • Day454 WTF stop cussing

    Finally after all the training and races, I did not run much since. I guess it was a well needed rest for my mind and body.

    I went into running as a recreation to get away from the stress at work, but running had taken over my life and itself became a stressor. Kind a is. I need to be chill from my running.

    During the past five years, I had only stopped running four times. The first was when I got Lyme disease in 2018? The second and third time was when I came back from Atlanta last year during Covid, I did two self imposed quarantine with each one for 2 weeks. I went to Atlanta twice that summer, so took a two-week break each time. They were the longest pause from running I ever did. This compares to when I “ran” even when I had Lyme disease. The last two months (~10 weeks) had been my longest break since I started running. Sure, I ran three ultras during the same time frame, with one of them being the biggest race in my life (West Virginia Rim to River).

    The Last two weeks, I have been hampered with an injury, the same one I had during the last race at The Devil Dog. I did not go see my doctor but I think I pulled my left hamstring.

    Besides the injury, it was mostly other factors. I was busy with work at Work and have been putting in longer hours. Also the sun is setting so early now and I don’t have much desire to run after dark. All excuses I know.

    What I actually wanted to write is I have been watching a lot of youtube and twitch tv. One of the few that strikes my fansy is study/practice or working streams. I like watching professional artists or musicians honing their craft. True, many of them are boring to watch, but they put such long hours into their practice doing seemingly over and over again the same thing yet with a passion. Then comes the performance. We all like to watch their final masterpieces.

    I am fascinated because I want to emulate their passion into my running. I run usually only about an hour every day but these artists they could put on hours end whenever they pick up their brushes. I’m ranting here. I have been thinking at what point do I give up in my training to save my body or at what point I push through my training knowing I will injure myself even more. Convention wisdom is to listen to your body and rest.p

    If I am doing a once in a life time race, like a 200 mile race and I am like 90% done, I think I would risk injuring myself even permanently by pushing through. This Question came up often during races – like in my last race, I carried some painkillers on me. I could have taken them to shut off the feedback loop so I could push on. However, doing that is usually a bad idea because it means pushing beyond what the body or muscle is capable. It was not a temptation for me though at least during the last race to resort to painkillers. I pretty sure I was done running that day.

    What’s next? My mom called and was surprised I had no more races until next year like in March or April. I had never so long a break! I did not realize races stress me out until I realize I’m are free from them!

    So my itchy trigger happy fingers saw a race (two in fact) posted on Facebook yesterday and so I signed up. They said it is free! Who doesn’t like free races? I am not technically in the race yet. This race/organization is a bit weird, like old school weird. The race director picks who get to run it. The application process is just name, age, and email. They only allow 50-60 people. So, I don’t know if I get approved. I haven’t read the fine print yet. The race name is WTF50 (waterfall 50K). It was canceled or somehow I did it on my own last year. Yes, the day I went was snowing and I ran on a creek with snow and ice and water. It was really a WTF* moment. It was one of crazy things I did. I got a speeding ticket on that day too. Hopefully this year will be better.

    Second one? On the same weekend they (same organization) also have the Massanutten Academy Training Run/Camp #1. Also about 50K distance. I also want to run it. I signed up for Massanutten 100 mile race for next year and they say absolutely should do the training run.

    I better get some training for my two training runs. Yes the training run (WTF) is as hard as the Massanutten race itself. Merry Xmas.

  • Day453 Devil Dog / DNF

    In a race, it is given that we want to finish. Otherwise, it is just a training run. To me a race is the real deal and mainly the reason for me to run it – to prove myself of reaching a certain level or besting a course. Also the feeling on race day is different from on a regular training run because we spend months preparing for and anticipating it.

    Having finished so many races sometimes I forgot that in some races I might not finish no matter what our effort and planning we put in it. It is an inherent risk. We face the dreaded word of DNF – did not finish in our race result. It goes down in the record forever. True, some people don’t give a hoot about it. For me, it matters some. No one truly wants to run a race and to DNF it (unless it is the Barkley).

    Before running a big race, there is always the anxiety if I can do it, but usually once I get on the course, the feeling will go away and you rely on your training and experience to get you through.

    In Devil Dog, I never believe I would not finish it. I had done the mini 50K version last year and was familiar with the course. There is no reason of not finishing unless some freak accident occurs.

    I started the day perfect. We had great weather on race day – like those once in a century type of warm and mild day in December in the Washington DC area (around high 50s F, 10-12C). I woke up early at 2:00 AM that morning, having only slept for couple hours but I was not tired. I was excited in fact, and felt experienced and ready. I left the house around 3:30 AM. We had to park our cars at a remote lot and were shuttled into the race location due to the lack of parking spots (none), with the first shuttle running at 4 AM. I was there around 4:30 am and waited till 5:15-5:30. Race was supposed to start at 6. The race director graciously delayed the start by half an hour due to buses running late, so we had plenty of time to get ready once arrived. I just walked around the area until the time for the race to start. It was like a foreshadowing but I put the feeling aside.

    Devil Dog was to be my last “big” race for this year. I signed up when it was first open, maybe back in July. To me though, it was not that big. I felt given with my ability, even if I walk it, I would able to finish within the time allowed.

    I always believe, even if I don’t run it, I could walk to the finish. That has always been my belief in many races. Of course, I picked my races that allowed me to do just that. You can usually tell from the average pace of the last person from previous year and ask yourself if I can do that.

    Those who have been following know I ran a lot of races this year. 5-6 big races. I held myself back on most of them so that I could do the West Virginia Rim to River. I ran it and was satisfied with it. It had its struggles and in the end, they were overcome. After that, there were a few left over races, Stone Mill, JFK, and the Devil Dog. I really wanted to do all of them. I was feeling up to the task.

    I knew from a planning perspective, that I would not have the time to train it like a big race since it came immediately after the West Virginia race and the Stone Mill race. I had only couple weeks to train for it.

    The race had both the 100K and 100 mile runners together. Dual event on the same course and same starting time. For the 100K, the course consisted of 3 loops with the first loop being 3 miles longer. The 100 mile people run 5 loops (I guess without the 3 ish extra miles in the first loop).

    The whole race was all about struggling with my body. It was ugly, and rough and I was grinding out the time. Very soon into it, I was asking how much longer. It was not a good sign. The race had a 20 hour limit. It was a long race. Three hours into it, I already hit my limit, and I started walking for the next 10 hours. I don’t mind walking, but even with that, my legs started acting up. By the 12 hours, walking was difficult and I only wished to reach to the aid station so I could turn in my bib. I reached the aid station by 13 hours and was convinced, there was no way I wanted to be out on the course any longer. Simple as that, and turned in my bib to the race staff.

    For me, things started not going well by 17 miles (around 11 AM). It was not even a third of the way. It was too early in the race, but I hit the proverbial wall and had to start walking. I did not expect to be this tired this early. We were not even halfway in.

    Nothing I do could bring me back into my pace. I felt exhausted (not mentally) but physically the longer I stayed on the course. Even walking was hard. Every step was an effort. I got slower and slower. I kept on grinding it out. I run ultras so I know, what is normal tireness and this kind of abnormal wearying walk. I finished the first loop of 23 miles in 6 hours. Timewise, wasn’t too bad. If I could recover and would still able to finish the race. I was 30 people ahead of last person, but it was a bit concerning that this might be a DNF race for me. My second loop was much much longer, maybe around 8 hours. All those I passed earlier passed me back. I did not mind. I just want to finish (at least just this loop). I did not recover enough, but actually my strength continued to sap. I came in 15 minutes before the loop cut off, and probably was in the last place by now. However, we had to keep 7 hours on the last loop to finish within the final cut off and that what we had left on the clock.

    My left knee (especially the back of it) was bothering me. I felt it was swollen. I could hardly bend it. It was dangerous going down hills because I had no control over my legs, especially the left foot. Going uphill was not an issue for me, just downhill was hard. There were a few steep hills that gave me concern.

    My many falls in the West Virginia still fresh on my mind. I did not want a repeat. I felt this time if I fall I would definite injure myself and probably severely. In the West Viriginia race, while I fell a lot but I was not as tired at the time and was responsive and quick with my feet to allow me to do all kind of acrobatic stunts and not get hurt. In this race, I did not have the same fine control over my feet. I did not want to temp fate.

    In Devil Dog, I spent about 10-13 hours on the course contemplating if I were going to be DNF’ed. I had a sinking feeling when I stepped on the course. One was due to my lack of training the past 8 weeks. During the race, it was more and more apparent as the hours flew by that this race would be one I had to walk away before reaching the end.

    I ran significantly less the weeks leading up and it was frustrating with myself and my environment (a series of unexpected events). I was dealing with some conflict with family members and it really messed everything up in term of training. I am not blaming others but myself. Running is my (life) goal and the abrupt halt got me all worked up. And it was a feedback loop. Not running created more anxiety and it created more demotivation from running. I know it is my running problem and I got to be tough to face it and overcome.

    And I have been doing poorly overcoming my distractions that got in my way of my training. Not gonna lie.

    Surprisingly when I turned in my bib (a formality in a race to declare one’s intention of forfeiting a race) they said I was the first to do so (though not to me, but I overheard it), e.g. to give in so early. Yes, no one expected us to quit in the 100K since the whole race is gear to the 100 mile. We 100K seemed to have it easy. No feeling was hurt. I have been running for over 5 years and can take the blunt truth. I had been thinking all about it the whole day! I took it as a matter of fact. Later though many other 100k runners too DNF’ed, I guess at later aid stations. For the 100 mile runners, the drop out rate was near 50% (very high/we were on exactly the same race course). I did not need companions to make me feel better but it also was good to know later that I was not the only one. There was one who finished the course but was 4 minutes late, so still received a DNF in the result. I salute the person having perservered through the whole thing. Surely it is a heart break for the runner.

    I decided to call it a quit. It was not because the math says it is impossible, but I know my body could not take many more steps if I had gone on. I was doing maybe a hour a mile at the last mile. There were 20 miles more to go. The thing with this loop is the first half of the loop is easier than the second half of the loop. I felt I might make it halfway through, but it means I would be stuck out there midway at 2 AM in the morning (or they cut me at midnight), but still, being out in the cold was not fun. Why put myself through more torture, since one false step might mean face planting on the trail. I quit at 7 instead of at midnight.

    Looking back is 20-20. Whether I would have done differently, I don’t know. I might still have signed up and run it all the same if I know I was going to DNF.

    Just saying running sometimes requires a good state of mind. Running is battling of the mind and the body. I guess having a schedule would help! The past two months, I have anything but a normal schedule. That is another aspect if I want to be a good runner, I have to overcome it and find time for training in the midst of a busy schedule and many demands.

    The fact of life is things never get less busy. I have been running for 5 years and attest to this. You have to carve out time for training. While people sleep, I run. It was never easy. I looked back at my medals, finishing was only the top of an iceberge hiding all the countless hours of training.

    To me, I did poorly in the Devil Dog was because my lapse in training at the final weeks. I need to get my running consistency back up.

    My whole race experience of the Devil Dog seemed to sum up to this as well — I was stuck early and the whole race was how to get myself unstuck and maintain a consistent pace. It was a lost cause in the end.

    Nutrition, hydration, shoes were ok. I did get a bit of blisters being developed on my right little toe, but I took care of it at mile 20 and it was good till end of the race by applied salve, bandaged it and changed shoes and socks. Sleep was ok – I guess if I did the 100 mile, lack of sleep might become a problem.

    As for how I will do better next year, train on the course itself, and get use to the race course. I felt certain part of my muscles were not used to going so many ups and downs and walking on one’s toes. I am a big hill climber but not the little ones. You would think, if I can climb big hills I could do the little hills. Apparently they are not the same. I got to say, it is not an easy course, but it is not extremely hard that should cause a DNF. My DNF was wholely on my part for easing the training for the last few months.

    Hmm, also use all three drop bag locations. For me, since it was a 100K, I felt I only needed one location because I would come around to it every 5-6 hours. But there were times I wish I could drop off a jacket or pick one up sooner and not have to wait till I reach that 20 mile mark. I felt definitely, if I am to run it again, utilize all three drop points.

    Final words. Those who haven’t run it and want to do it, go for it. The race is good. Course is challenging and we had great volunteers. The race organization is well run. Don’t rely on buses. Camp out if able to, and have a crew, though not having one is not a problem either.