When I have too much time on my hands, I start to think of existential questions. Why am I running? Maybe that stems from my recent question what (races) am I running?
I like the why part. I think of it a lot, like every year at about this time. Because I don’t feel like running. I lost my mojo. Signup season is upon us, and it especially hard to find why I choose one race over another or why I run again.
The thing is, if I don’t want to do it. Then don’t. Bit if I signed up, then I must put in the work to get to the end. There’s no half measure.
I seem to have a harder time in picking a race this year. Generally I want to run all the races. But time and money constraints do exist. Last year, I have 10 times the budget. I could go wild. Not this year. I am already 1.5k deep in the hole after a day of signing up (1st world problem). Then how do I choose to pick one race over another is an interesting question to me.
The answer is I don’t know. I go by ‘feel’. I hate it because, sometimes I feel very strongly about doing a race but another time I feel strongly not doing a race.
It might be some ethical issue. Some say a race organization is ‘bad’ such as they brought out smaller local races. They say the corporal world is here to take away the mom-and-pop ones (name unsaid, because I am running some big corps races). You won’t get the same experiences, some say. Indeed. But I still begrudgingly take part in the Big Corporation races next year. Its inevitable.
This post is not about corporate races over smaller races.
Going to go into note taking form. I write because I am trying to find solution to a problem. I seem to lost sight of the big picture of why I run each year and I need some. It happens every year during the “slow” season.
My identity is tied to the things I do. The things I do also bring a lot of satisfaction. This year has been very busy. I tried to achieve something I thought was not possible. It was a shooting the moon thing (Western States race and the whole grand slam thing, plus many races I did). In the end I did reach my goal. All fine and happy.
However, I can’t do that in every race or every season. There are things that only happen once. I can’t repeat the same next year.
By definition, trying very best is the very best. It hard to believe I will even exceed the very best the following year. Well maybe. We only dream we can reach an even greater height.
Yesterday, I look at my race plan. It seems scattered all over the place. What the story I am trying to accomplish? In a sense trying to “run every race, every where, whenever” no limit. That has been my motto since I started running. It has been my guiding light in how I signed up races. I was over joy last few years, I made several friends who share the similar take, of taking running to the extreme. We eat, sleep, dream and walk with running. There is never an end. Even the day we die, we will die running is our hope. On a side note, My first
This year, one of my running friends past away. Our running club wrote/posted a very nice article of his impact to those who ran with him!
As I think of next year races, I want to reach something of value. We could run tons of race, but sometimes they ended up being hollow. There should be a race I would want to remember. Occasionally, there are races that are like that, I do it and forget. But then there would be one race that change everything. This year, Western States was like that for me, a race that set me on the path for a grand slam. One race that defines me and everything.
I got a clearer sense now than a couple weeks ago. At first I was trying to do another slam (the midwest slam. I think I can do it, because it should be easier than the slam I did this year. So I was arranging my schedule to fit their races in. Then I asked myself do I really want to that those races all at once, in one go, just for a bragging right? Deep down is no. I don’t carw about the bragging right. I want something that is meaningful. Something that challenge me to the next level, but not something superficially hard for the hard sake.
There is no desire for me to the slam, or even the every first race (The Mohican). I want a race that speaks to me (calling me to run it). I don’t sense it here for the midwest slam, maybe but two races. I would like to do the Burning River and the Indiana Trail 100. It is a weird way to sign up a race, but yes, that is my way. I need a deep down conviction to do it. Almost all races I do, kind of speak to me and they draw me to them. A weird way to make a decision.
So, I was facing like 20+ races, and I could not hear their voices over one another and it was very chaotic. Some races have a deadline pressure to sign up before they are filled (Eastern States almost is full, though only opened two weeks ago). Some have scheduling conflict. Some are too far away or too expensive to do.
In the end, I asked myself, what do I really want. I wanted something simple and easy. I like doing marathons. So I should go back to my root of running marathons and running just for “fun”.
I asked a friend if they have trouble deciding which races to run. They said no. They just do it, easy. There is no agonizing over months and weeks of should I do this over that.
I think for me, since I reached kind of stage where I was in the spotlight of becoming a runner people admire. There is a certain expectation of the next level I have to reach, to keep up with my wow factor. I think I was caught up to it just a bit when I ran Wasatch. I glad I finished but it was not fun to be under the pressure for pressure sake. So when I do the slam for next year, there is no need to go through the insanity. Once was enough.
I was thinking of trying couple harder races like the Bear or the Big Horn, or The Utimate Ultra Mountain Trail Run in Europe, everyone is taking about. It seems to be a natural progression pf doing harder and harder thing. Then I said, wait a minute. I don’t have to give into the pressure. I don’t have to be an over achiever!
One of the best moment I had was at the Burning River this year, when I ran with a 75 year old (Mr Randy). He teased me of being a show off of wearing the 100 mile shirt I got from the weekend before. We both finished the race together. The achievement really belonged to the man who still is doing such a big run, and not me. I had a blast to have been able to finish with him and to share in his spotlight. I think a good race is like that, where my finishing time and ranking doesn’t matter, but that I made good friends along the way.
I am still an overachiever, no doubt about that. Recently, I tried very hard in finishing a race that ended up back fire. I was stressed about it and temper flew. Then I asked myself, did I really enjoy such behavior of flying off my handlebar. It was just a race. So what if I did not finish it. There’s always next year! Indeed, I am doing it again.
In awe 