In awe

Category: life

  • Day468 – life goes on

    I’m ok. Nothing much to write about.

    Briefly, back/leg is still giving me problem. I am improving. Maybe 10% better than last week. Not a huge jump but the pain has lessened to an inconvenience numb. Probably seeing a doctor is the right course of action. The Sunday 10K didn’t aggravate the injury. I could do a bit of hamstring exercises without having an intense pain.

    Unrelatedly I updated my site to the next layout wordpress twenty twenty-two (swiss). My WP phone app got updated as well. It looks good. Has a bug or two. One such is the header section of a page is new, and the phone app has no corresponding page to edit the header. I eventually figured where to change it. It is not that easy and it is tucked in some menu. I truly believe in separation of content and page style and templating. They have put the header content in the template section (CSS bit) as I understand it. No biggie. I found the place to change it. Anyway, I hate technology but then again I always like the next gizmo. I got myself to blame for tinkering around.

    Life has been ok. A bit busy. Not much time to run. Not that my body is able to. But time is indeed lacking.

    I gained weight.

    I am going to a training run this weekend. Nothing to brag about. The mileage will be high, around 33 miles. I am in a not so good condition to train, but I will go. We will see how I do.

  • Day465 and so it begins

    Nothing much happened for me last week. I might as well take the week off for a mental health break. And I did, from running that is.

    I blame the booster shot. It made me super tired and unmotivated. I was better though by the end of the week but I did not run.

    Running for me used to be effortless – well almost. This week, it was something more. I can’t find the joy in doing something I like so much in the past. I know it is ok to take a break from time to time. This time it was not a break I am looking for. It was a dread. It was a mental thing of unable to pull myself together. I can only describe it as a panic attack. It is weird to say it now but it felt like I was going to die if I even moved. So I stayed still, in my room, on my bed and time just flew away. The only thing I noticed was sunrise and sunset. I don’t think it was laziness.

    By the end of the week (day 10 actually), I got down on my knee and prayed. This can’t go on I know. I need to live my life. Whether you believe it or not, I said I don’t know where the anxiety is coming from but it is paralyzing me and I couldn’t do anything worthwhile in this state. I had Lyme disease before when my body couldn’t run. This time, I know my body is able to run but my mind is jacked. My source of greatest joy became my fear. When I ran, I felt if my heart would crush me and the sky would fall. God answered. My fear (heaviness or whatever that is) was lifted. I could think clearly again. I could plan and go about my things.

    I could write plenty about the Russian war that broke out this week. The only thing is if we really care about preventing it, we should have troops on the ground to fight alongside against the opponent force. Or if the Russians are right, join Russia’s side and bring it to a quick end. It is because our country lacks commitment that enboldens the invasion. That is my piece. If it’s sanctions, do it properly even if it hurts our economy, and be willing to accept that it hurts me more than it hurts you.

    Enough on war, this week, I found a 200 mile race. It is out in Nebraska, in November, brrr. They say it is a good race for first timers. I am keeping my eyes on it. I won’t be brave enough to run it this year but maybe next or two years from now. This might be the race for me. Then I can claim the 200 mile feat.

    Also I came across someone who tries to run from Florida to Canada. I learned there is another trail beyond the Appalachian Trail. From this I came across the trail race, Pinhoti 100. I am hooked. This might be my next 100 mile race.

    The next 100 race is still up in the air. I likely will do the Outer Banks one, called the Blackbeard 100, because it is on my list “for a long time” (like maybe since last year). Blackbeard is a road race. Yet Pinhoti is on trail and I like trail racing over road running.

    Next year’s schedule is a bit packed. I want to travel to see some mountains, specifically doing the Annapurna Trek in Nepal. I should not sign up for so many races. I feel a bit of cold feet on the trip at the moment. I’m not giving up on it yet but I am leaning of putting it off for another year. Don’t know why I’m feeling reluctant to commit, maybe the funding is not where I want it to be. In 2020 I saved a lot and was glad. 2021 I had a break even year. I made a lot of money but also spent a lot (20k+ went into investing, which I considered as spending). Otherwise if not for my spending/investing, I should have enough saved up for the trip by now. Ya, I am hoping to budget around 20k, I think 10k should be enough though. Sorry, first world problem. How much of that do I have? About a couple thousand I can spare at the moment, which is only enough for the airfare. But my car is about to be paid up and by summer, I should have money rolling in, if everything continues as now and by the time of next year, I should reach my funding goal.

    Along the line, I came across a streamer and he is planning to walk across the US while eating Subway sandwiches or whatever the store has. I don’t want to give a shoutout being a shy person I am, but you can probably find him (or them) on twitch under Subway Sean if you google for it. He will start out in May, likely May 1. This kind of thing blows my mind. I really wish I could do that. I don’t know when I can get my own Tran-Con rolling. I would be sad if I die and have not done a transcontinental crossing on foot.

    As for my life this week, I have nothing much to write about. The struggle is real. I have not run at all in the past week. I couldn’t focus much on anything. But guess what? Newport News Marathon is this Saturday. I will write about it in the next post or next next post (ya, usually now I wait two weeks to post something current).

  • Day463 burning the midnight oil & BRR TR2

    This week was unproductive. There was a bit on my plate and I was worried over stuff at work. A few years ago, I wouldn’t believe I would have panic attacks because I was usually carefree happy go lucky. But now many little things would bother me and it is hard to focus at times and give me jump scares. I am upset with a bunch of stuff. Anyway, I didn’t get my runs in on the days I wanted this week. I just was not able to will myself.

    Countinuing where my blog left off, my last weekend started with the BRR training run #2. I arrived like an hour late and so I ran by myself. BRR – Bull Run Run 50 Mile is an ultra in my local area. When I first started running, BRR was scary for me. Ever since, I never signed up for the race. Besides they always sold out before I knew about it. This year was no difference. I missed the sign up. However, I have been going to their training runs, mostly for motivation and meeting local runners. They are the same people who put on the MMT 100 that I will be running coming May, so in my opinion, I should get to know them ahead of time. I think I might need a pacer and hopefully, I could find from these local runners someone who would fit my style. Usually anyone would do, but it would be nice to find someone who has a similar personality/pace – who clicks.

    I have trained on the Bull Run Trail on my own in the past and I was familiar with the portion closer to my house. I had a bad opinion of the trail because of the mud and that it is mostly flat.

    Little did I know on the other end (Fountainhead or really the start point) is unlike the part near where I live. I have never been to the Fountainhead side. It is not at all swampy and it is also super hilly. I had a blast on my run.

    At first, my intent was to run 20-30 miles for the training. By noon I was worn. I only did about 10-12 miles. It was alright. I called it a day. I got back to my car while other people were still out and about. Though I was late, I ran into many runners on the trail. I was shy so I didn’t meet up with them after the run. Pretty much for the rest of the day after I got home, I slept. This set up the pattern for the rest of the week — small runs and a lot of sleeping.

    Sunday: I had a 5K run. It was a good run. It was my first 5K in a long time. I was happy to finish under 30 minutes. I think my time was 28 or 29 minutes. It was slow in term that I had run a 5K between 24-25 minutes, but I felt this was the fastest I could muster in my current state. I started slow without a warm up. It was a cold Sunday, maybe at 30 F (it was snowing, and I thought the race would be canceled). Halfway through, I started hitting my pace, but I was unable to push harder – I felt I hit a limit.

    I stayed with the pace, then a guy caught up to me – he said I have been following you for a while and finally caught up. I was happy for him and cheered him on, though I know he was breathing kind of hard. I was not breathing heavily, moving at a leisure pace. We chatted. He said he hasn’t done any racing for two years. He did the Marine Corps and I said I did too. We came to a hill, and I was able to push a bit harder and he felt behind. We came to two more hills and before long I got to the finish. He came in about 10 seconds later. Not bad. He is maybe 10 years older than me, so that was really good for him. I didn’t tell him that I used to run even faster, and maybe he could also say the same thing too. Nothing to brag about but good to meet a light hearted fellow.

    I know I need to work on my speed this year. I really want to get my marathon time down to 4 hours and with an eye, hoping that one day to get it down to three hours. It is a far goal to BQ (Boston Marathon Qualified). Yes it is one of my impossible and secret goals, I don’t know if I could ever reach.

    Monday to Wednesday. I did not run. The weather was cold and I came home each night tired. I usually fell asleep by 9 pm. Normally 9 pm is when I go for my runs. My sleep pattern has changed this week. By sleeping early I usually became awake a few hours later. Now I am active in the early morning like from 3-5 am. And I sleep again once the sun is about to be up. Maybe I have to switch my run to the early morning instead.

    This coming weekend – I have a training run. This one is actually for my own race the MMT 100 in May. It is out in the middle of nowhere. Supposedly I should drive down on Friday night, camp out, and then run on Saturday, and maybe camp out again on Saturday night before coming home. I want to, but I haven’t had time to plan it properly. What likely will happen is I’ll wake up super early and do the drive out. The run is at 8 am. The drive is about two hours maybe three. Probably I need to wake around 3 am. Leave by 4 and I think I will make it.

    I am proud of myself to have finally nailed down my flight and hotel for the Grandma’s Marathon. The flight was about $50 cheaper than when I first searched for them two weeks ago. It is a direct flight takes 2 hours. I think it is pretty good. It is about maybe $100 more than last year, but I am willing to take it. As for the hotel, there are a lot of choices. There were none available at Duluth, but I am willing to take hotels in Minneapolis and make that long drive out and back (2.5 – 3 hrs drive). I think I have a decent hotel for $106 per night. I could stay in a motel for around $60-70, but usually the quality for those ones are bad. I would only take a motel if I have no choice. I prefer to stay in a bit at higher tier accommodation. I am happy with this choice too because I think I saved another $50, compared to when I last checked. It is near the airport. Usually I avoid hotels near the airport having had bad experiences before — bad services, but I am willing to gamble again. They say you pay for what you get and airport hotels are usually that.

    The race will be on Saturday. I will be flying in early Friday morning, run on Saturday and fly home on Sunday. This is for the race in June.

    Couple more weeks until my first marathon at Newport.

    There is not much to this report. I had a hard time coming up with what to write. My training has been bad but I also did a few decent runs. My sleep time is bad but I had enough I think, so I am not tired in the morning. I got a few race related stuff done, am happy to get them out of the way. All that is left is training. (While writing this up, I came across a race, hint I am interested – Pinhoti 100). And of course, did this all in the middle of the night. Another week has passed, looking toward a better week next week.

    TL;DR I slept a lot at odd hours and did not run. I was able to settle some of pre-race tasks

    meta: after writing this entry, I realized that my new weird sleeping hours and fatigue and anxiety could be due to the side effect of he vaccine booster shot taken last week. oh and the vivid dreams too, it all makes sense now.

  • Day462 up ahead – some decisions

    I was debating at the beginning of the week if I should sign up for some local races.

    The answer should have been a “quick, sign me up!” I don’t know any more. I am not what I once was. I am less incline to rush into a race even if it is free. By the way, BRR training #2 is scheduled to again. I did BRR#1 two weeks ago. Sign up (for the free training) opened this week, and I am on the fence. It is a race in April I didn’t sign up (and won’t-its full) except for its training runs.

    Back in October, I committed myself to a few bigger races already: One City Marathon, Salisbury Marathon, and Grandma’s Marathon. My other races this year will fall into places accordingly. After locking them, it has been a waiting game and training.

    I’m halfway through on my training for the first race, One City. Time passed surprising fast, the race day approaches, with couple weeks left. I wish I have 12 weeks instead of 8. I didn’t anticipate being injured after Devil Dog Ultra, and that set me back for about 8 weeks. I am not worry. I think I did some decent runs and more or less ready. My body finally recovered after the Devil Dog. I am not in tip top shape but I am sure I can pull off a marathon. My left knee is still acting weird from time to time (I lose balance every so often, like it just drops out on me – might be some ligament issue) but my left forefoot no longer hurts (initially I thought I had a fracture, because I pounded too hard in the race). Basically I can train harder and will be ready by race day, if not the first race, by the second race. There is just so much I want to write when I’m restricting once a week post. I figure I need to focus more on my training now such as working on specific skills – like having a plan and a way to chart my progress. Maybe more on this in a future post, hopefully by the 2nd race.

    This week I also signed up a 10K and a 5K. Yes, by the time the blog is posted, both would have already taken place or will be shortly. Since, I signed up late, the price increased to $60. I paid something around $67 after all the fees added on. Yep. It bothered me to have missed out on the early bird pricing. 5K and 10K races usually have been my bread and butter and they are exactly why I love about running before the pandemic – fast and hard running. Now, I have left so many of them slipped by. I think this will be my 2nd and 3rd local race since the beginning of the pandemic. They no longer attract me like they once did. I prefer now more longer and slower runs and running by myself in some remote places than racing.

    This week I also signed up a 50K in March, The Seneca Greenway. This is one of my favorite since the pandemic and I have been running it last two years in a row. This time would be my third year. It will be held the weekend after the One City Marathon. It will be a rough schedule to run two big races back to back with a week apart. I won’t recover in time but I know I can handle it.

    One City is less than a month away (first weekend of March). I am excited! I have been waiting for it at least for 3 years. Last two years were canceled due to the pandamic. This year is for real. We are doing it. I will write about it more the race arrives. I booked my hotel this week.

    About hotels and flights, things are so much more expensive this year! I tried to find a flight to MSP for the Grandma’s Marathon too and I was surprised by the prices! Hotels and everything are twice from what I paid a year ago granted this time is in high season, summer. The sticker shock is holding me back from booking them at this time. I know it will only get more expensive later but now I’m considering if there a way to reduce the cost. I might have to sleep on the side of the road! About the hotels, there are none left at Duluth, the race city! Apparently I didn’t receive the memo to book the hotel immediately after signing up the race as the race website advises (and by calling in). Now my plan is I would have to wake up in the middle of the night to make the drive from St Paul /Minn. I’m so tempted to go without a hotel and sleep in the car and then fly out as soon as after the race is done and will be a bit stinky as usual after a race.

    Can you believe, I haven’t run a single marathon this year and yet I am planning for next year? What brought this up was I want to travel to Toronto. And the best reason to travel is racing!

    I am thinking of going to Toronto (for either a marathon or ultra) for next year – as long as Covid is under control. I actually want to go this year but Covid means a lot hassle gerting tested to cross the border. This year, Toronto will have an in-person race, but I think it might be very strict crossing the border and back. If by flying, I will need to take the Covid PCR test and take another test to fly back. Hopefully by next year it would be less strict. Already heard on the news about protests and people are tired of covid measures. We Virginians already threw out the mask mandate (a change in the political climate here).

    I am eyeing one of three races in Toronto. I like to do the one in May, but it seems the organization is kind of weak compares to the one in October. The October one is a big downtown marathon with a lot of festivity. I know I will have a lot of crowd support. This used to be what I like, but now a day, I prefer more low key races and less fanfare. The third I am thinking of is at the Niagara Falls (around May or June) and it is an ultra. It is definitely my jam. I think it is on trail. They have various diatances. I don’t mind if it is even 100K. I am up for it. Here is the kicker, I want to do all three but from financial standpoint, I should choose one, so I am now unable to make up my mind. It is still early. It is for next year. I will sleep on it for now.

    I am excited to do an international debut! Ideally it should be a marathon. Hopefully, by next year things will become clearer.

    Also this week I am eyeing to sign up for Ann Arbor Marathon. It will be in October. I could do it this year, but I might be experiencing burn-out like last year by October. It might be wise to move it to 2023. If I do it this year, I would knock out two marathons. Ann Arbor would be my 10th marathon (10th state of 50). I’m still undecided on this race since airfares and hotels are so expensive.

    For the rest of the year, I am waiting for the registration for Iron Mountain Ultra to open. The Devil Dog Ultra also is on my target. I got to redeem myself for the DNF I received last year. I haven’t made up my mind to go for the 100k or go full blown and do the 100 mile. I failed at the 100k last year, so trying the 100k is a safer option. 100 mile is so much more tougher.

    Two other races opened up this past week, the Lake Ridge Ultra and Eastern Divide Ultta (EDU). Lake Ridge, I am like 99% will do. They have 6 hrs, 12 and 24 hours and last year was the first time I ran it. It is interesting to do a race based on time (ends when the time runs out) rather than distance.

    As for the EDU, this was my initiation to trail running and I always want to go back to give it a go a second time, but scheduling has been tough. This year is no different. The race date conflicts with two other races: Richmond Marathon and Stone Mill. I am undecided which one of three will win out.

    Indecision. I have a deferral ticket for the Richmond Marathon, but ultras have a bigger draw. Stone Mill Ultra and EDU conflict with it. Stone Mill is 50 mile. I run Stone Mill every year and would like to do it again. EDU is 50k ish. Stone Mill also costs less and is longer, 50 mi. EDU is not that much more either (maybe around $100 by the time if I decide to sign up).

    Non-race. The Marine Corps Marathon is open for sign up. I have a deferral ticket from last year. After thinking over it, I don’t feel ready to tackle it this year. It is just a 50k but it is a fast 50k. I ran it last time in 6 hours, just barely before their cut. I think I can repeat this but I am nervous too of what if I can’t. I realized I have gotten slower, way slower these last two years. Maybe training for all those ultras slowed me down. I want to say is city racing is no longer a draw to me. I plan to defer it to next year.

    Lastly, I set my eyes on two events for next year. One is Blackbeard 100 mile at Outer Banks and the other is trekking in Annapurna. Next year is the year to do one of my trekking trips. I am hyped for both of these. I have been working for years to do either of them.

    I rambled off about 10 or so races and likely lost all my audience. Racing and going to places is exciting. I don’t like doing the planning/details but they had to be done. This week, I had to plan for these races at least have them on my calendar. I put them on here so as to reinforce the dates into my head. I wrote them down in couple places. As for readers, don’t worry, I will write about them as they come.

    I am still struggling with motivation. Thinking about racing helps a bit. I actually don’t feel like posting this blog because it seems like a lot of speculations and nothing concrete, but ot has been what on my mind these two weeks.

    TL;DR Toronto is on my sight as well as Outer Banks and Annapurna for next year and maybe a couple more races for this year.

  • Day461 for the joy

    After couple weeks of running in bad weather and super cold temperature, for once we are back to decent running condition (today was 6 C when I went for my run). I think spring is near!

    I realized, I like running when it is super cold. Somehow it helped knowing it is super cold and to be prepared for it. Then it does not feel so bad once I started going.

    However, if the temperature is somewhat decent around maybe 50 F where it is neither cold or warm, somehow I don’t like running because I would be either underdressed and be cold, or I will be way overdressed and have to lug all the extra shirts and jacket around.

    I miss doing spontaneous blogging about my runs, because now I usually do a blog post once a week. The topic usually not immediately related to a run I just did but usually more abstract.

    Like tonight after work, I decided to run to a Vietnamese shopping center to get dinner. It was about 4.5-5 miles away. It was a good run and then I ran back. I felt the food was a good reward. Of course, I could have hopped into my car too, but choosing a run was so much more satisfying. The trail was dark but many others were also doing their night walk. It was safe. I wish to be able to do runs like that every day.

    Now about the previous post, I don’t intend to finish it at this time. I lost the train of thought on exactly how to go about it. In brief, I was trying to justify my running as something purposeful and meaningful. I still do – trying to see why what I am doing is so worthwhile.

    This I realized there might not be any meaning to it. I run just because I just do and enjoy doing it. I know it might have been partly an escape from reality — which is kind of true! Life is hard and boring. I do a 9-5 job. Many times I wish I rather be outside running during my working hours instead of sitting at my desk, doing almost meaningless repetitive tasks day after day.

    But as someone said to me recently, to “grow up!” and accept that such is life for everyone too and just endure it because it pays for my food and gives a roof over my head. The person’s point I think is don’t treat your main part (essential) of your life as play time and don’t confuse my play time (hobby) as work. Truth is I wish my running is my career.

    When I run I feel free from worries and everything about life. I would just run and not feel tired. I would and could run forever. Running is my reality — my true world and domain. Alright, I might got carry away a bit but indeed I love running.

    I admit maybe I am over doing it a little too much. In the last blog I was asking what it means to be great. We would think of being recognized for the work we did. Some run 5K, and if someone comes and run a 10K, that in comparison seems the longer distance is better. In a way, I have been climbing up to the marathon distance and then ultra marathon. Doing more and in a bigger scope is one way to be great or at least it gives the feeling of doing something more substantive. Maybe it is a fallacy. And I asked myself is there more? What do I want to do next?

    The reason why I seek to do more or the next level of difficulty is for the challenge and to find my motivation. After running a 100 mile last year, doing it again this year does not bring anything new to the table. I mean I still will enjoy doing it again, but it was not as challenging as when the 100 mile distance was unknown.

    So I was trying to determine in my heart, where am I going to stop.

    This is not so much a continuation of the last post, since I lost my interest/focus in it. I don’t have an answer to what I am seeking, but I am pressing ahead nonetheless having an inkling that this is the way.

    I think a lot about meaning and significance of my life goals especially why I run, virtually every time I step out my door. They tie into having a vision and mission statement. Whether I have one explicitly written out or left unsaid, we all have a kind of vision inside that we are driving toward – at least for me. It is important though our implicit or unstated vision should match our stated one.

    If I can summarize my vision, it is to seek the joy in experiencing the world through running in any conditions and anywhere at any time.

    It all started because I was being pointed out that I am exceedingly seeking my own joy over that of other people. Maybe so. I am very zealous of my free time. I was taking aback initially because it was morally not right. Now after thinking through, I don’t feel bad about it any more because we all do so. There is no requirement that we should live our life for other people. It is admirable some do seek for the betterment of others even with the sacrifice of their own. There is a balance somewhere. But each of us have our private goals. I always ask myself what am I willing to give up to obtain such and such.

    I have been running for 5 years. I dived headlong into this obsession. It took all my time. My time away from friends and family and even my former things I like (such as working on the computer, watching anime, and reading a good book). To me though, it is no longer a sacrifice. Initially it might have, but now I am more comfortable and prefer to be out on the roads at every opportunity I have. I enjoy being out on the road alone at night even if it is miserably cold at time. I admit nowaday it is an obsession (and even an unhealthy one). Everything now is measured by how much time I can spend on the course or how many races I am giving up if I do another thing. Races are my currency and language. I eat and breathe running.

    2. Identity. Who do we identify with. I like to be recognized by runners. Ya, he is an ultra runner will bring me joy. Maybe it is a little vanity. In reality whether people give me the recognition or not, I am a runner because of what I do. I don’t care whatever label is attached to me. A question shoyld ask myself is what the ultimate label I want to be identified with.

    3. Purpose. Some people finding having reason why we do something is important. A Mission statement usually give what and why. Say if I am going to Napal “to” climb the mountain, then the reason I am there is to do things I plan to do. Some purposes might be more intrinsic. I travel to see the world and people. My deeper goals usually left unsaid. I run because I feel good afterward. I usually don’t put that explicit reward in my statement. It is assume I am doing it to feel good. I also like to overcome tough challenges. Searching for that deeper reason maybe is beneficial. It could be the purpose will provide meaning too.

    growth. We do stuff hopefully it will change us in the process. Maybe growth is what we are after. Say if I hike across America, what do I hope to accomplish in the end? In the end, we hope to live a life with no regrets.

    time frame. I rush to do things because I feel I don’t have much time left. Each year is busier than the year before. I definitely know my energy is not unlimited. I hope get most things done within the next 10 years or so if I’m lucky. According to my plan, due to money problem, I can’t go out and spurt every single year. It requires being creative in how to budget. But if I take the conventional route, I can affort to do like 2-3 major things within the next 10 years.

    • Running in all 50 states. This is almost for sure
    • Running a 200 mile race. This is almost for sure now. I can see myself attempting it. It is a big potato but not too big
    • 7 continent race. hmm, this could be one of the three things I should do…probably the easiest of the big three
    • AT hike. It would be good if I get to do this. This is likely one of the big three and I am so nervous in pulling this off. This one resonates a lot. If I want to live a life with no regret, this is a must-do!
    • Running across ‘Murica. Definitely will be mind blowing. I can’t wrap my head at this time seeing myself doing this, but if I can have it as one of 3 things to do in my life, this would be it. Mind blowing great to pull this one off. I might want to do it twice (southern route and the northern route. Also the Let’s go South route!
    • Circum navigate/run across the globe. I have to leave now if this ever is a reality! because it takes about 10 years. if I really want to do the unthinkable, this is the one goal.

    An example on identity, the past week, something caused me to think of myself as an athlete. Sure a runner is an athlete but normally, I think of running is a hobby and an activity like walking or birdwatching not as intense as being an athlete. It is low stress and low commitment for me. Athlete to me means another level where people would admire because we want to see the performance and speed and prowness. Seeing myself as an athlete, changes how I train. And training is no longer optional.

    Sometimes we have check how do we identify ourselves. We might be surprised if we change the labels around.

    Long story ahort, is I am crystalizing what I want in life and pursuing after it. Sometimes, it might require making some unpopular choices.

    Not related but I want to tie in this extra part on finance. Unexpectedly my blog post on retirement attached way more traffic than my usual postings. Not sure whether they were bots or real readers. Somehow people like to read or find out how much to save for retirement! I guess it is not a surprise if I really think about it because I have the same question (if not for my privacy concern, I would even share my spreadsheets). Meanwhile, I was referred to another blog on the same topic. It is a very good post and I want to share it (note, usually I don’t post links, but this is an exception). I rather my visitors read this person’s article than mine.

    The author captures the life I want to live. Abandoning a stable job to live a life that is I think is more fulfilling. It is the idea of stop wasting your life away. You have to live your life now. The article has some solid partical tips to ease one’s anxiety concerning retirement. It can be found here – [https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-stop-worrying-about-the-future-and-start-living-your-life-now/]

  • Day457 New year Day 2

    New Year Resolutions / What I want for Christmas

    Time goes by so fast. Couple months ago, I was training life-and-death for my biggest race at the time. I was in a rock and a hard place…due to many things coming together at the same time. Of course, I could just walk away and not run it. But the thought though was I’d rather run and suffer (or die trying) than not running it. Indeed it could have been bad.

    I did come away with a bit of pain. I am not sure if my legs would ever recover – at least any time soon without going through PT sessions.

    I was always a bit psychotic – extreme so to speak. I had to look up. Yes, I think I am a bit crazy. Now I am sitting in the comfy of my home, and happy I did it. There were so much happened between then. I did several other races. Wrote up reports on those.

    Every year between October to December, I lumped these months into one giant blob.

    I never really get around to asking what I want for Christmas. This year, it was a new computer. I reached a lot of personal goals. Yes, a lot of the goals were limited by my financial condition…like buying a fast bike. I held that off for a few years because money was not there. This year I actually could affort it finally! However, I did not go and purchase it, because I haven’t biked for nearly two years.

    For those who know me, I shop around a lot exploring all options, but in the end I usually don’t get anything (due to cost). Window shopping is my thing.

    I didn’t buy my bike or the computer. That was a long digression. Kinda. I had enough time to think on what I want, no not just the computer by something bigger.

    Resolution:

    1. run more. Run first thing in the morning
    2. run faster. 4:15 marathon…is that faster than last year?
    3. run farther
    4. run longer
    5. be more organized

    My resolution is different from last year or the year before. I am circling around the topic. Actually I wanted to have a blog post on identity.

    After 5 years of running, and in my 6th year now, my identity is tied to my running. If anything, I want to be identify as one who runs. Maybe now it is time for a rebranding: to man who travels.

    I actually don’t want to announce my goals or resolutions. Firstly, I read, once you announce your goals, it is twice as hard in getting them done because there is ton of blockers, trying to derail your plan. Second, I have not worked out the details. Third, I am a bit shy to share my goals to the world.

    My mom recent illness really helped me to clarify if I really want to pursuit my goals. During that time, I have been called selfish. It hit hard but I came away accepting the label. I am willing to achieve my goals above all else. My mom did not really get mad at me but she did mention later that my goal has to be balanced out with the needs of those around me. The answer is definitely yes I want to go for crazier goal in view of all that happened. TL;DR…I thought running 100 miles was crazy, I am ready for crazier thing.

    I might have flirted with the idea of hiking the appalachian trail or running across America or even traveling around the world. I have been and still is pushing it toward some distance future. What I want to say is, it is a step closer to reality today than six months ago.

    The issue has been how crazy can I get to do it. Now I think I am crazy enough to go for it. Why I am saying it is crazy? Because it requires a step of faith — like the bibical Abraham to leave his father’s house and go to a country he knew not. I am no Abraham. I don’t hear voices telling me to leave, but I am more convicted to leave now than six months ago.

    My biggest hold is and has been safety (financial security) at where I am now and it will definitely will scale if I don’t do anything crazy.

    The idea always have been make enough money then leave. It is the concept called Financial Independent F* Money. At least to have a way so I can come back and still have a job or some way to earn a living (like video blogging). It is always down to money, right? If we have enough money then we don’t have to work. I did some calculation – the only way I don’t have to work is when I retire at old age. I don’t have enough now to retire early. So basically I can’t do it in a conventional sense. For most people, the story ends here. Only way is to be unconventionally. Luckily, there are a few people who did just that and I can follow their footsteps (e.g. Cycling Jin – UniverseWithMe, who biked around the world the last 7-8 years and started out with literally nothing).

    I guess the biggest hurdle is always trying to convince myself.

    Have I mentioned before? I am thinking of retiring to a different country to a place that has a lower cost of living. How is this related? Well I plan to use the years remaining to visit those countries I plan to retire to. I have not fully thought out the idea yet, but yes there are a few youtube channels on this topic. Not trying to convince any one else or whether it is smart. It is something I want to do.

  • Day456 A new year

    A new year is a new beginning. Yes Day 1.

    I will eventually reset my blog to Day 1 maybe some day. Actually to those who didn’t know I have done so like 5 or 6 times already — not for this blog here but on 5-6 previous journals usually after about 500 ish days, I started to lose track and would restart. It is kind of my thing to see how long I can keep it up. It is not important to my readers to know.

    My new year has been quiet. Last year, … I don’t remember what I did. Usually, I think I go hiking or do a new year day race. I did not race this year. I slept in. Also usually on new year, I sign up for races. There were many races usually open after new year. I did not do so this year. Today I checked. Many races already had a waiting list — like the Rim to River 100 miler, which I kind of want to redo it, had over 100 people on its waiting list! If there is a race you really want to do, you have to set an alarm and sign up the moment the open. I am not one of those who like to be on a waiting list.

    Compare to last year, this year I did not have much momey on hand. Not that I did not do well, I did. I think I made more money than I ever did! The S&P had a whooping 27% increase — too bad I got in only at the end of the summer, so I got about half of that windfall. This is like closing your eyes and randomly throwing a dart and it hit the bulleye. I know, not the best way to do with your money. That is how I feel about the stock market. I opened another retirement account after watching a Youtuber talked about it (Graham Stephan). I also increased my contribution to my work retirement plan, so I have very little liquid cash on hand at the moment. So I am too poor to sign up for races.

    This brought me to topic I want to share. Nothing important like my running. In fact I celebrated Christmas and New Year by watching youtube and twitch. Youtube has been around for a long time and it has changed over the year. At one point, it was a best place to watch movies, but now they really has shut off all the illegal uploads. At one point it was my go to place for music and that too has been no good now since they want people to pay for their youtube music.

    What youtube for me now is live content and video premiers. Live content can be VOD (video on demand) from a streamer. I mean it is unedited videos – first hand POV video (point of view). Yes it is just as much as a time sink as any other media.

    Over this pademic I have grown to enjoy a dozen or so streamers. I wish I could list all of them here. I mostly enjoy artists – the art kind and also musicians. I started watching I believe in spring 2020. As now another year passed, many of the original people I followed had moved onto some other things.

    Many have returned back to their real world job. Streaming cannot support them full time. Only a few made it to the top. For many, it was not worth it. Still there are many small time streamers, and they do it because they enjoy in what they are doing.

    What I am trying to get at is life moves on. In a sense I am happy for them but it is also a lost to their “community” they established when they are no longer there.

    One of the streamers I watched, Technoblade, a youtuber, and considered as one of the best minecraft players, brought me sad news. Over the new years eve, he finally reached 10 million subscribers on his channel. It was a goal he set when he was 13 — that he wanted to be a youtuber and to reach 10 mil viewers/subscribers. That was a good news, but I also learned just a few days prior (though the news was out since end of summer) that he was diagnosed with cancer. They almost amputated his right arm during fall. He had not upload much. He still made a joke that he would not able to clap his hands when he reached 10 million. He did. Not sure now how his future in gaming be like. He is indeed entertaining just by listening to him talking, so he might be switching to something new in the future.

    I could go on and on how I got plugged into these communities. I don’t know much about them except their user id or their stream name, yet I felt connected to them with the stories of their life they shared to their viewers. Each of them are different, yet special.

    It reminds me I am not too different. In a sense, I am doing something similar. I am telling my story. I have my angle. I hope though I will be around for a while. Happy new year to all.

  • Day454 WTF stop cussing

    Finally after all the training and races, I did not run much since. I guess it was a well needed rest for my mind and body.

    I went into running as a recreation to get away from the stress at work, but running had taken over my life and itself became a stressor. Kind a is. I need to be chill from my running.

    During the past five years, I had only stopped running four times. The first was when I got Lyme disease in 2018? The second and third time was when I came back from Atlanta last year during Covid, I did two self imposed quarantine with each one for 2 weeks. I went to Atlanta twice that summer, so took a two-week break each time. They were the longest pause from running I ever did. This compares to when I “ran” even when I had Lyme disease. The last two months (~10 weeks) had been my longest break since I started running. Sure, I ran three ultras during the same time frame, with one of them being the biggest race in my life (West Virginia Rim to River).

    The Last two weeks, I have been hampered with an injury, the same one I had during the last race at The Devil Dog. I did not go see my doctor but I think I pulled my left hamstring.

    Besides the injury, it was mostly other factors. I was busy with work at Work and have been putting in longer hours. Also the sun is setting so early now and I don’t have much desire to run after dark. All excuses I know.

    What I actually wanted to write is I have been watching a lot of youtube and twitch tv. One of the few that strikes my fansy is study/practice or working streams. I like watching professional artists or musicians honing their craft. True, many of them are boring to watch, but they put such long hours into their practice doing seemingly over and over again the same thing yet with a passion. Then comes the performance. We all like to watch their final masterpieces.

    I am fascinated because I want to emulate their passion into my running. I run usually only about an hour every day but these artists they could put on hours end whenever they pick up their brushes. I’m ranting here. I have been thinking at what point do I give up in my training to save my body or at what point I push through my training knowing I will injure myself even more. Convention wisdom is to listen to your body and rest.p

    If I am doing a once in a life time race, like a 200 mile race and I am like 90% done, I think I would risk injuring myself even permanently by pushing through. This Question came up often during races – like in my last race, I carried some painkillers on me. I could have taken them to shut off the feedback loop so I could push on. However, doing that is usually a bad idea because it means pushing beyond what the body or muscle is capable. It was not a temptation for me though at least during the last race to resort to painkillers. I pretty sure I was done running that day.

    What’s next? My mom called and was surprised I had no more races until next year like in March or April. I had never so long a break! I did not realize races stress me out until I realize I’m are free from them!

    So my itchy trigger happy fingers saw a race (two in fact) posted on Facebook yesterday and so I signed up. They said it is free! Who doesn’t like free races? I am not technically in the race yet. This race/organization is a bit weird, like old school weird. The race director picks who get to run it. The application process is just name, age, and email. They only allow 50-60 people. So, I don’t know if I get approved. I haven’t read the fine print yet. The race name is WTF50 (waterfall 50K). It was canceled or somehow I did it on my own last year. Yes, the day I went was snowing and I ran on a creek with snow and ice and water. It was really a WTF* moment. It was one of crazy things I did. I got a speeding ticket on that day too. Hopefully this year will be better.

    Second one? On the same weekend they (same organization) also have the Massanutten Academy Training Run/Camp #1. Also about 50K distance. I also want to run it. I signed up for Massanutten 100 mile race for next year and they say absolutely should do the training run.

    I better get some training for my two training runs. Yes the training run (WTF) is as hard as the Massanutten race itself. Merry Xmas.

  • Day452 Retirement/Investment

    I went down this rabbit hole before. How much do I need to save now to retire some day? Which requires me to ask how much do I need in the future. This is probably my second blog post on this topic (retirement and minimal spending). What I suggested before was am extreme look but it is neither wise nor practical.

    Whatever, you read here, take it with a grain of salt because I’m not a financial advisor. They are just some thoughts I have.

    I spent some time (like over two weeks) calculating. My conclusions from the excercise are as follow:

    1. it takes a lot to save now for a small future amount. Like for me, saving a 20% income now will get me a 70% income at retirement. Plus ton of assumptions that might not be true 20-25 years from now. In a sense that is a good deal right, you have 3.5x the output? But it doesn’t feel that way. It feels you put in a lot now and get very little back. No one wants a 30% pay reduction. And saving 20% feels like a big cost.

    2. it is obvious the more being saved the better

    3. what is not obvious is we assume income just comes in, with very little work. It requires some financial knowledge like which stocks or mutual funds to invest in. That’s work.

    4. kind of follow from 3, retirement is not the end of work but is a new beginning or transition to a new form of work, generally this is investment. You got to learn how investment works to get the most from it

    5. I think a false conception I had before was saving for retirement is like putting money in a piggy bank and at the time of retirement, you spend from it. Money will run dry one day with this kind of thinking. There is no big enough piggy bank even of one saves 100% of present salary. The reason is we likely live longer than our working life could save. Also there is something calls inflation. Though most understand that they expect their money to make more money (e.g. to invest). One has to have to knowledge and actively manage it, otherwise, money will disappear.

    My point is it is okay not having a big enough balance, if one knows how to generate income from somewhere

    6. financial experts think we don’t save enough, which is true if only looking at just the saving side. The reason is people have various other source of assets other than a retirement saving account. Mainly it is their house. 49% millenials own a house or condo. They can down size when they retire. Also real estate is an investment because the price of property appreciates (and at recent times, greatly).

    7. Not sure how many do this, I think a lot do. When people retire they move to a state that has a lower cost of living. People move to Florida not just because of the warmer climate but because the state has no income tax. Wait, retire people has no earned income! or so we think. A lot of retirement incomes are still taxable!

    8. The more extreme type, like me, would consider moving to a different country. In my travel, I saw other countries generally have a lower cost of living. I have only been in Chile and Peru, (and Australia and Canada as well, but those places are not “cheap” to retire to). I felt I could live in the cheap places. There are popular destinations, like Taiwan, Thailand, and other asian countries or eastern european countries.

    9. Use the time now to prepare for retirement, means more than purely setting aside the money. It means learning a new skill and language to adapt to the life after retirement. Why skills? Mainly for me, financial/investment skills are what I need to be good at, for others it might be starting a second career like a business or be an artist or musician or a writer (or a blogger or streamer). I read writers don’t retire because they love what they do.

    10. I delved into life expectancy too and its calculation. I don’t think it matters but many retirement planning guides think it is important. My advice is whatever the life expectancy is, add a few more years.

    —-

    Long form for those who care to read.

    The deal with retirement is you never know exactly how much to save today. Generally, the more the better. The flip side of the question is how little is too little? I ran the numbers, to save 3% or less per year of my present salary is too little for me, though some (maybe many) of my coworkers are saving just that because that is the maximum our company used to match to our contribution (but they have stopped matching the last two years). 9% is the national average for my age of those who do have a retirement plan. I watched a video from the MoneyGuy, and they showed saving about 20-25% of ones income is preferred (with their math, not saying they are wrong, but whether it is realistic for everyone). The FIRE people (financial independence retiring early / young) aim to save 50% or more to retire as soon as possible. There are people who could do it. There is a range because everyone accept or see the risk differently.

    For a while, I was aiming for that the FIRE goal, though I never got up to the 50%. What is FIRE? There is a movement to save a whole lot so one can retire young. It stands for Financial Independence Retiring Early. This year got me into investing apart from my workplace retirement plan (and I opened a Roth IRA and a Robinhood account). I came away that investing and retirement is really the same.

    My personal advice (imho) is fund it up to the tax benefit limits the government sets (for 401K and IRA) and you are likely good. The reason is that will give the greatest tax benefits. However, not many normal people will or could do it. I myself have not “maxing” it either.

    Most retirement planning videos don’t look at the cost of saving. Imagine if you are making $50,000, it means saving $25,500 away (based on my age and tax limits), and that is more than 50% going toward retirement. Even if one is making $100,000, it is still a lot to save 25% for retirement.

    The biggest challenge for people and myself too is people don’t have that humongous amount of “left over” money for retirement. Obviously it is a tradeoff – how much money is needed today vs how much is needed in the future. So the question is how to balance that?

    For that I do not have answer what is the right amount. I think as a society, in the macro economic sense, people are making the most logical choice, and are at a perfect equilibrium of how much we should be saving.

    I used to base my saving off the social security taxes as a ballpark estimate of how much to save. My rationale, though flaw, is the government set 12.4% as a society of how much set aside for caring for the elderly, so I should copy and set aside that amount and I will be “minimally” set. The problem is social security was never a retirement plan, though we all think it is. By copying its number, I am building on that false assumption and it might not work. There is no underlining reason why 12.4% is the ideal amount. I was really into finding that “minimal” number to save.

    A way to balance the tradeoff is a need to understand the risks and benefits. How much I put away now will give me such and such benefit (and what implicit costs). As for me, like I only am getting 70% of my income in the future, that seems like a “lost” or disinsentive to save and it takes a lot now to get there. The risk is, at least one of them, will I live to enjoy it. I haven’t seen many videos or blogs talking about the risks or tradeoffs of oversaving/undersaving and how to measure that risk.

    A take away for me is we think of retirement as to work now, play later, especially for those who follow the FIRE movement! In a sense, it is a motivation to save. But if over doing it, you end up giving up or limitting what you can do while you are young. Some think I don’t spend it now, I will spend it later but there are certain things we can only do them now (say I put off that ice cream now and eat two in the future, but what if there is no ice cream). For me, it is running.

    Also, some (of my peers) can expect having an inheritance that help them in their retirement, which most likely will be houses/land, everyone biggest asset. It is a taboo to talk about our parents like we expect them to die so we can have their assets. It is not a definite retirement strategy but that is something that could help. Sure it has risk that the inheritance is split among sibblings and their parents might live for a long time well into your own retirement.

    In conclusion, there is no magic number to how much to save. We looked at it from a tax perspective. I threw out some numbers. There are guides available online. In the end, it is really a gut feeling. Many I know, don’t save (or have very little saving for retirement, at 3% or less per year) and this reflects our society, and I think they should be fine as our parents were (at least for now). As for my running friends – I think they are a poor lot, races drain their finances, yet they might be living the best of life and making the best choice. So don’t judge.

  • Day450 R-21.11 review

    It’s day 450, by design I have to be introspective. Last review Day400, was at the beginning of the year. I already wrote all I did couple weeks (hello4) ago of all the cool races I ran this year, so I won’t repeat. Two 100 mile races, Rocky Raccoon and Rim to River, bookended the year. They were the reason I called this year a pop-off year for running. In between I also did some ultras I thought I did not have the ability to run.

    I felt thankful and fortunate and relieved to have done them. I was not fast. I saw some who did not finish. I ran with some of them at their pace. Most of the time I was at the cutoff and it could have been me being cut. I enjoyed all the races. If I did not run them, I would not have known I was capable to do them.

    Originally, I wanted to look back at them in a holistic way, maybe to draw some lessons or something profound from all these races. There are probably some lessons hidden or a common theme ran through them. There were friendship made along the way and moments I did not want to forget. They are now past. I am okay with not to focus on them and let them pass. All honor and glory burried in the sand of time.

    I want to say: Running was my life in 2021 and has been so for the past few years (more on this in a future blog; I wrote one up, but it was not ready to be published).

    Some asked me, how many marathons did I run this year? I don’t know. There is a page somewhere that tracks this, but off the top of my head, I don’t. A lot I think. Though I don’t really chasing after races now. I enjoy as much or even more just a long weekend run around my neighborhood. The distance no longer scares me. Long runs are cool and always what I look toward to at the end of each week — that pretty much what quarantine of 2020 taught me. 2021 was pretty much the same but in hyper drive.

    One word if I can sum up 2021, would be racing. I run races all the time but this year even though I ran so many races, the intensity of the schedule felt normal. I adapted to the intensity. Couple years ago, a schedule like now would be considered overloaded. Now, it seems there are not enough races to pack my weekends.

    I tried to run an ultra back to back for the first time, doing what I did when I ran marathons back to back (and earned myself a spot in the marathon maniacs club, back in 2018). So last weekend, a week following finishing the Rim to River 100, I signed up and ran the Stone Mill 50 (I hope to write a report on it). I thought I would die in Stone Mill but in the end, I ran a faster time than last year and I felt great afterward. No cramping no exhaustion. The body felt normal. I wanted to run another 50 mile this weekend (JFK), but common sense prevailed and also I wanted to show respect to my two friends who were running it by cheering them. I really believe I could have done three ultras in a row.

    The biggest struggle I had this year was trying to find balance between running and everything else. Work was nonnegotiable. Sleep/rest was also pretty much nonnegotiable – you could cheat one night or one week but it always comes back to bite you with unwanted down time. I rather stick to a regular schedule. You can’t cheat your body.

    The flashpoint came when my mom was sick and needed 24 hr care. I was in the midst of my final training for the 100 mile race. There is always another race to run but I had invested so much in it. Downtime came when you are least expected. In this instance, I was not the one who got sick but my family. It was a forced downtime nonetheless. In the end, I did run it at the expense of being hated/frowned upon by those who did not undestand why I chose racing over family. I did not understand fully myself. I took the plunge and hope for the best. But that what it is. By the way, she is doing much better and can now live independently again.

    I dodged a bullet that everything worked out in the end and I had a story to tell. But it could have been the other narative.

    What for next year? I will run more races. Maybe even more than this year (schedule). My goal is to run in an even longer distance race. I am seeking (to reach) the next level, whatever that is.

    Other than running, I spent lot of time on twitch (tv), and playing games. Yes this year, I got hook into gaming and twitch. Where did I find time for them right? or the money! I quit my gym membership (and dropped a phone plan) for twitch and gaming. Toward the end of the year, I also spent more time with investing in stocks and thinking/planning for retirement. I traded the money I set aside for a racing bike and a gaming computer to fund my retirement account! I think it was worth it but I had a bit of a regret too.

    For readers, what this post is about? who’s know. Maybe it is a preview for my next blog. We all have our own life to live and choose our action with the choices presented. That is pretty much 2021 for me, I chose certain actions and those were the results. There were surely other stuffs happened except they didn’t leave as strong an impression as racing, especially the 100 mile race, which was the central focus for me.

    Is that how I want 2022 to be? I will need to think more on this. Maybe it is a good post for the new year.

    A future post will dive in depth on this subject, maybe the struggle, the balance, and the rationale. I wrote a lot already, but I felt I only scratch the surface. Happy Thanksgiving!